


Love Will Remember You

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-01-23 19:57:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12515364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: Baby if I break downWill you catch my tearsBefore they hit the ground?Baby if I open my mouthAnd let my darkest memories come outI need you to stick around





	1. Chapter 1

His eyes feel heavy, probably due to the many sleepless nights. His hair is sticking onto his forehead, the damp ambiance hanging in this bar has the sweat trickling down. This is not a place he’d usually go to, but his friends are worried about him, so he decided to say screw it and mingle with some people who have no clue about what he wants and needs; setting himself up for inevitable failure.   
  
He rubs his hand over his face, filling his lungs with the much-needed air, before exhaling deeply, the smell of alcohol and smoke flying up his nostrils rapidly.   
  
His first drink had barely been handed to him when he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, followed by seductive voice in his ear. “Is this seat taken?”   
  
He knows what the universal meaning of that statement is and it makes him nauseous to think about.

_Yes, he’s alone, no he isn’t taken_.

His hand gestures to the empty seat next to him. “Go ahead.”

It came out firmly and cold to his own ears and reminded him of how incredibly awful he’s gotten at this.  
  
“I don’t think I’ve seen you here before”, she speaks confidently, her brown eyes staring mischievously into his and he knows exactly what she’s here for and if he wasn’t a 38-year-old freshly divorced guy, he would’ve taken her home. No questions asked.

“Attentive, huh?”

The almost model-looking woman in front of him bites her lip and seems to contemplate her next words carefully, yet surprisingly edgy.

“I won’t take it personal if you’re not interested. There’s no need to be an ass about it.”

He hadn’t even realized how roughly the words had escaped him and he shook his head, frustrated.

“God I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for...”, he waves a hand between them, “whatever this is.”

“You’re not ready to have a drink with me?”

The misty lighting in the bar combined with this woman’s proximity makes him a bit lightheaded and thus he’s unable to detect her hint of sarcasm. She doesn’t speak until she’s faced with his confused expression looking back at her.

“I’m just messing with you. It’s okay.” She stands up as she re-adjusts her short dress that hiked up even further and it’s the first time he even took notice of all the curves she had on display. She sticks out her hand, waiting for him to shake it. “My name’s Abby.”

He shakes it firmly. “Blake.”

“Nice to meet you, Blake. Take care of yourself.”

It’s not until she’s undoubtedly out of earshot, that he lets out a throaty sigh. His first night back out as a single man and he’s already managed to royally screw up. The woman who identified herself as Abby usually would’ve been his type; she seemed fun and light-hearted and just wanted to have a good time. It probably wouldn’t have been anything serious, he could’ve taken her home, they could’ve had their way with each other for a couple hours and pretend like nothing had happened the next morning. It could’ve been light and easy, but it’s not what he wants. Tear-stained memories weighing heavy on his heart, the bitter aftertaste of dying love and infidelity still lingering on his tongue. No, he’s not in a place where he can give someone a piece of himself in the name of light-hearted fun. He doesn’t think he’s able to give anything of himself at all, but when he does, it will be heavy and crucial.

He’s about to motion for the bartender to come over and close his tab, when a petit-looking blonde takes the seat next to him. She doesn’t even seem to take notice of him, but something about her takes his breath away entirely. She’s wearing loose jeans and an open side tank-top that reveals her lacy black bra underneath. He remains seated on the barstool, his gaze fixated on her every movement.

She goes to make what seems like small talk with the bartender for a little while, before finally acknowledging him for the first time since she sat down next to him. Her lips form a small smile, that turns into a full on grin when she realizes he’s staring.

He reaches for his glass then and leans forward, motioning for her to do the same. He doesn’t know where his sudden confidence comes from, but he desperately wants to get to know her. Get closer.

When she seems intrigued enough, he speaks. “What are you drinking?”  
  
There’s something playful in her smile as she momentarily traps her finger between her lips. She does it so quick, it’s almost a reflex and he’s pretty sure she wasn’t even trying to be seductive, but an overwhelming sense of desire rushed over him at the moment.   
  
“Whatever you’re buying.”   
  
Her voice brings him back down to Earth and he smirks at her witty reply. He motions for the bartender once again and orders them both an Old Fashioned.

“Interesting.” She hums as he slides the drink over to her.

“What’s that?”

She turns to face him a bit more, increasing the eye contact to a point where he almost feels like looking anywhere but her.

“You don’t strike me as an old fashion kind of guy.”

He huffs at that. “You’ve known me for about 2 minutes. Isn’t it a bit early to make assumptions?”

He doesn’t sound upset, he isn’t, but he _is_ challenging her and the spark in her eyes tells him she’s accepting it head on.  
  
“Fair enough.” She sips on her drink and his eyes follow her lips all the way to her glass. It’s a weird sensation to think about another woman in that way. It’s weird taking notice of another woman that isn’t the one he promised a forever to. “Tell me what kind of guy you are then.”   
  
He ran his hand through his curly hair, still sticking to his skin with sweat, but for a whole other reason than the one at the beginning of the night.   
  
“I’m the type of guy who wants the lady’s name before revealing information like that.”   
  
She throws her head back as she laughs and his heart-rate skyrockets. He doesn’t know what about this woman has him so unbelievably captivated and it terrifies him.  
  
“I’m Gwen”, she says as their eyes lock again.   
  
“Blake.” He says before raising his glass to his lips, winking at her when he sees her stare the same way he’d done earlier.   
  
“So Blake...”, she starts, her demeanour toughening up a little even though she never loses her playful expression. “Do you do this a lot? Buy other women drinks I mean.”   
  
She tries her best at a genuine smile, but fails miserably. It’s quite adorable to observe, really. Still, it’s a question he’s not ready for.

_“I don’t_.” His voice is rough as he speaks and he clears his throat quickly.   
  
She raises her brows, clearly amused and surprisingly he feels himself getting frustrated. “You’re mad.” She states.  
  
“Why’d ya ask me that?”   
  
She cocks her head to the side, her features softening suddenly. “I’m asking instead of assuming. I thought you wanted that.”   
  
It’s the kind of answer he could’ve expected from her. She’s incredibly brazen, but respectful. She’s a mixture between intimidatingly badass and exceptionally caring and it’s hard to keep up with.   
  
“I haven’t had to do this in about 10 years. I think I may have forgotten how this whole thing works.” Honesty is what her presence demands and he’s helpless to give into her.   
  
“You were married.”  
  
He follows up his nod with another sip of his drink, basking in the slight burn as the liquid goes down.   
  
“You still got it apparently.” His eyes widen at her words and he suppresses a big belly laugh, cause it sounds almost ridiculous.   
  
“Really? What makes you say that?”  
  
She draws her lower lip between her teeth. “The other girl.”  
  
Abby. He completely forgot about the other woman who was here before Gwen and he realizes that’s what she does to him; his attention is utterly hers, he could’ve been talking to multiple women for hours and Gwen still would’ve been the only one he’d remember when he gets home.   
  
He chuckles then. “You’ve been watching me, huh?”  
  
She laughs dryly. “ _Oh please_. She was kind of hard to miss.”  
  
Her tone is playful and confident, like she’s been all night, but something in her eyes changed; there was a flicker of something else there. “You’re jealous.”  
  
“I don’t even know you.”  
  
He wasn’t going to push it. He would’ve if she was dealing with his younger self, but she’s not. She’s dealing with the Blake who’s bruised by life like every other adult; the one who’s been saved and broken by love, the one who rather talks to this girl that makes his heart feel things other than the suffocating ache, than ruining his chances with childish pride. He doesn’t need to hear her say what he already knows.   
  
“She was a nice girl, but it’s not what I want right now.” It’s confusing, it’s almost pathetic, but it’s honest.  
  
“So why are you sitting here talking to me?” Her voice suddenly gets uncharacteristically girly and something inside of him twists at the sound.  
  
“I feel like you’re different.” He waits a couple seconds before he continues, taking in the forming smile on these lips he really wants to kiss. “Or maybe you’re just better at hiding your intentions.”  
  
She grins at that. “Maybe.”  
  
The force of her presence is jarring; he feels it everywhere and his mind is going into overdrive. He came to this bar with no intentions of making contact with anyone, but the thought of never seeing Gwen again after this makes him dizzy.  
  
“You zoned out on me there, Blake.” The way she said his name just then made him crave another drink, which he wasted no time ordering... The bartender provided him with straight whiskey and he heard the gorgeous blonde next to him snicker as he did so.   
  
“That seems more like you.”  
  
For a moment, he thinks she’s mocking him, but then it hits him that maybe she just sees him for what he is, for who he is.   
  
_And she’s still here_.  
  
“I think you need to stop trying to understand who I am”, he says half joking.   
  
She seems to be going over his statement and it’s weird for him to realize that this person he’s just met, is already better at listening and handling him, then most people he’s known for all his life.   
  
“I was married once.” The admission hung heavy in the air after the words left her lips and he waited desperately for more. “I thought I had it all figured out; I was going to grow old with this person who loved me exclusively and have kids.” She paused briefly and it was the first time that night he saw her visibly getting affected by something much deeper than sadness. “I was going to prove everyone wrong”, she whispered.  
  
He had so many questions, but none of them came out of his mouth. Instead he just stared at her, dumbfounded at her sudden honesty and terrified by the similarities in their stories. Stories he hasn’t even shared with her yet.  
  
“It taught me about resilience, because Blake, I could’ve stayed down there, wallowing in my sadness”, she looked at him directly, “But I knew that there had to be more out there for me. Not just more people, but more life. I lived such a sheltered existence while being married and I didn’t even realize it until I was forced to look beyond the bubble we had created. Life is pretty great when you give it a chance.”  
  
He shakes his head almost pleadingly.

“Why are you telling me this?”

He doesn’t know if he’s imagining things, he has been sipping drinks for most of the night, but he could’ve sworn she just scooted even closer to him. Her arm is almost touching his and he wonders what it would feel like if she just reached out and traced those beautifully manicured nails over his arm. “I want you to take me somewhere.”

He furrows his brow and looks at her skeptically. “Are you asking me to take you home?” He was honestly not sure what she was asking.

“No”, she smiled. “I asked you to take me somewhere. Anywhere. Wherever you want.”

“Gwen, I don’t even know what that means.”

All he wanted to do tonight was have a few drinks and go home even lonelier and more depressed than before. But now he’s faced with this gorgeous woman, who seems to have her mind set on driving him crazy.

“Come on. Don’t you have some place you always go to when you need some time to think? Somewhere you feel free?” She looks at him expectingly. “And don’t tell me this is the only place you go to drown out your sorrows.”

“What If it is?”

“Then that’s pretty sad.”

It’s with a speed he had not yet attained, that he got up, nearly knocking over the remaining bits of his drink. He reaches out for the glass just in time for it not to shatter into a million pieces. “ _Fuck_ ”, he murmurs under his breath. “I’m sorry, this is not a good idea.” He can’t even keep up with his own mood-swings, but everything this woman says cuts a chord deep within him. Wether it’s adoration, excitement, arousal or anger; he feels it all deeply and right now he just wants to run away from it as far as possible.

He pays the bartender and tries not to look into her direction, knowing full well he’s already too deep under her spell to deny her anything. He leans with both hands on the bar in front of him, before exhaling deeply. Just as he’s about to leave, her hands meet his on the bar-top and his breath hitches.

Fuck.

“Don’t run from me, Blake.” Her sweet voice comes. He’s frozen in place as he tries his hardest to fight back these tears threatening to fall. Her soft fingers tracing delicately over the rough skin on his, is enough to reduce him to a boneless mass.

“You don’t know me.” He whispers.

She doesn’t miss a beat. “But I want to.”

He shakes his head furiously. He wants to get to know her, get close, but he knows he’s not good at this. He knows he’s ruined every good thing in his life and God, he does not want to hurt her.

“You don’t.” He finds the strength to look at her again and he’s met with a kindness and patience in her eyes he’s not close to deserving of. “I’m not this great guy you meet at a bar, who makes your life better. I’m the person you’ll regret meeting after we’re done. I’m a mess and I’ll leave you in an even bigger one when I leave. You should get away from me.”

For a second he thinks he’s gotten through to her; she retreats her hand and stands up next to him. “Get us out of here.”

He sighs in defeat, but nods.

Not sure where to go now, he leads her to his truck and waits for her to get situated before closing the door behind her. He looks over the almost vacant parking lot, trying to make some sense of his scrambled mind. He looks over to Gwen, who’s looking at him from the passengers seat; her head leaning against the car window, while her bright red lips are forming the prettiest smile.

He finds himself doing something he hasn’t done in years: he says a silent prayer. His last thought before he gets into his car is that if there’s anything good left in this world, he wouldn’t screw this up like he knows he’s capable of.

 

 

  
“So what is this place?”

He watches her as she studies the environment from her window and waits for her to draw her attention back to him.

“I used to come here while I was still married. Things would get crazy and I’d just drive out here. Secluded, away from any people. It’s being free, like you said. Until you have to go back to the real world, that is.”

“This _is_ the real world.” She giggles.

He watches her intently. This is a side of her he hasn’t seen yet; the giddy, almost bashful side. “It doesn’t feel like it”, he smiles. “This place is way too peaceful to be part of the real world.”

“You create that, you know.” She starts softly. “This place is the same as any other place. It’s you who makes this particular place peaceful. You can do that everywhere else. You deserve that.”

It’s almost humorous, the way she sees him, the way she won’t let him drown in his own pessimism.

“What are you? You some sort of psychologist?”

He didn’t mean for the words to come out that rough, but she doesn’t seem to take offense.

“Not a psychologist. Just someone who’s lived some life herself.”

Once again, he’s being drawn to secrets she hasn’t yet shared. She seems to have mastered this newfound positivity, but he knows there had to be some serious darkness involved to spark that gift. Selfishly, he wants her control to break; he wants to see that side she’s so desperately trying to control.

“You said you were married.”

The serenity of the trees and water around her seem to catch her interest again, as she murmurs softly. “Uh huh.”

“You divorced.” He states next.

Again, she hums softly.

“ _Why_?”

She leans back against the seat, her eyes closing briefly before locking with his. “He cheated.” She said dryly.

“Is that why you left?”

“Amongst other things.”

There was a flicker of something familiar in her eyes the next moment. She was holding back and he was having none of it. “Tell me.”

She shook her head as if to say no, but she continued regardless.

“I was pregnant.” Her voice was nothing but a broken whisper as she spoke. “I was pregnant when I found out about his cheating. We’d have these explosive fights all the time and this time was no different. He told me he basically screwed around on me from the moment we got married and I became hysterical. He couldn’t deal with it and he left for the night. He wasn’t gone for more than 5 minutes before I felt these sharp pains in my stomach _and_...” Her voice trailed of and the shaking of her head did nothing to prevent the tears from falling. _“I lost it._ I couldn’t get a grip on myself and as a result, I lost my baby.”

She was full on sobbing now, her body shaking violently as they took over her tiny frame and the urge to protect her suddenly kicked in. He unbuckled his seatbelt and positioned himself so he could pull her against him. His action caused her to momentarily stiffen, as she tried to gain back some composure, but the tears kept coming and at some point she seemed to just give in. Her head rested against his shoulder for what felt like hours, but he wouldn’t move. He let her get it all out, until her sobs ebbed into shaky breathes. “I’m sorry.” She said hoarsely.

He planted a quick peck on the side of her head, unable to help himself. “Don’t be.”

When he felt like it was safe to talk again, he nudged her a little bit. “What happened.... that wasn’t your fault, Gwen.”

It’s ironic how she’s the one who’s been talking him off ledges all night, while she might’ve been struggling with the biggest one of them all. “I get it if I’m not the person you necessarily want to hear that from, but I, well it’s the truth.”

She looks at him with such emotion, he’s almost expecting to get slapped. Instead she moves to straddle him in the next moment, catching him completely off guard.

“ _Gwen_.”

Her name gets lost on his lips, when he feels her curious tongue dart out to taste the sensitive skin on his neck. Her fingers skim over to his chest, unbuttoning only the first three buttons of his shirt, exposing enough skin to graze her nails against. “Fuck.”

His hips involuntary buck up against her and he apologizes for thrusting his growing erection against her so prominently. She doesn’t grant him any time to think about it further, as she kisses all the thought straight out of his brain. Her lips are hot on his, her tongue sweet and inviting. His hands move to grasp her slender waist, pressing her more firmly up against him, the delicious pressure building dangerously fast.

Part of him wants to go all cavemen on her and get rid of all restrictions. He wants to lay her down on the backseat and fuck her till she forgets every messed up thing that happened to her, but he knows that she deserves better than a frantic fuck in his car.

“Gwen, wait. Stop.” He pries his lips away from her and cups her jaw gently.

Her eyes are wide, like she can’t believe she just lost control like that and she swallows loudly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Her red lipstick is smushed and the way her chest is heaving makes her too endearing for her own good. “Please don’t say that.” He says softly.

She smiles at him then; a gentle and understanding smile that reminds him of the way she’d been with him at the bar. Her hand reaches out to cup his cheek and he finds himself leaning into her touch by accident.

“You’re a good man, Blake.”

He closes his eyes at her words and focuses on her hand still cupping his cheek. His heart has been broken one too many times for him to believe her, but her presence fills him with hope. Like somehow he’ll be able to believe her eventually; with her sweet voice and gentle touches leading the way. It’s both electric and terrifying to realize he would follow her anywhere.

He can’t remember the last time he felt save enough to open up to anyone _like that,_ but he feels like he could open up to her and she would listen. She wouldn’t try to fix him, or have this unreasonable tendency to expect perfection, cause she understands people.

“Let me take you somewhere else one day. Let me kiss you again when I do.”

She doesn’t answer him right away, but she presses a soft kiss on the revealed skin on his chest, before buttoning up the shirt with skillful fingers. “The answer is yes, Blake. All you have to do is call.”

It’s a promise he can’t wait to make good on.

  
_He wants to be this great guy she meets at a bar, who makes her life better._

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a slow-build, but it’s important to show Blake’s internal struggle of giving in to her.

It’s been a week since that night in his car, that night where a complete stranger left an imprint on his being more than anyone else ever had; he remembers the way she’d pressed sweet words against his lips, her taste as sweet and bold as she had been. The feel of her nails on him had him thinking about going to church, but the only one he was willing to worship was her.   
  
She came across as incredibly brazen, but also very traditional; pure. It was a weird juxtaposition that drew him in even more. He finds himself wanting to have meaningful conversations with her, just as much as he wants to lay her down and love on her gorgeous body, until the sun comes up.   
  
Despite all this, he hadn’t called her since, didn’t text her, tried his best to push any thoughts of her to the back of his mind and failed miserable each time. His ex-wife taught him about love and heartbreak, but she hadn’t taught him about _longing_.  
  
He longs for Gwen in a way he’s never experienced before.   
  
He’s trying his hardest not to act on it. He finds himself sitting in his kitchen, at the middle of the night, debating whether to drive out to that spot he had taken her; how the universe managed to give him such a serene place only a couple miles away from all the chaos, is beyond his comprehension. It’s a mirror image of his life, when everything in his life crumbled, he met this stranger in a bar who brings peace of mind to him amidst all the mess... She brought a sense of familiarity and belonging to his aching mind. He never belonged anywhere, but that night with her in his car.... He belonged there.  
  
He’s in the process of beating himself up over the fact he let his mind wander off to her once again, when his phone starts buzzing and her name appears.   
  
The universe is either sending him a sign or is playing a messed-up game with him. Going over his recent life events, he’s more confident in the latter.  
  
Nothing about this screams ‘good idea’ to him and it frustrates him immensely, but the fact she’s calling him this late makes him worry something’s wrong, so he feels obligated to pick up.  
  
“Gwen, you alright?”  
  
She giggles then, soft and delicate and oh how he missed that sound. “Hello to you too, Blake.”  
  
He ignores it and asks again. “Are you okay?”  
  
“I’m fine, Blake. I was just thinking about you.”  
  
His hand ball up into fists on his kitchen table, like somehow unclenching them would demolish all his control. “At 2:30 AM?”  
  
“I didn’t know there was a certain time frame for thinking about a friend.”  
  
Her usage of the word “friend” left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he pushed it to the back of his mind and swallowed.   
  
“You haven’t called.” She continued softly, her voice laced with an insecurity he hadn’t detected from her yet.   
  
“I’m sorry.” He really is, he wants to be better for her. “I was going to.”   
  
“Lying to me won’t make me feel better.”  
  
The words wash over him with a certain coldness that makes his body erupt in shivers. He doesn’t want to lie to her, part of him is convinced that he wasn’t; he would’ve lost control at some point.  
  
“Gwen.”  
  
“ _What_?” She pushes.  
  
“How can none of this scare you? Why aren’t you petrified.”  
  
She took her time answering, but he didn’t rush her, he didn’t say a word. He just basked in the quietness he didn’t get enough of these days.   
  
“Fear only holds you back from the good things in life. I _want_ the good things, Blake.”  
  
His fist unclenches for the first time, unable to think clear he answers. “We just met.”  
  
She laughs. “We sure did.”  
  
“What do you want from me?”   
  
His question was meant more curious than accusatory and he could only hope she perceived it that way.   
  
_She did._  
  
“What I really want is for you to realize it’s okay to not feel bad. I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through, but I can tell you’re comfortable in whatever it is you’re stuck in. Happiness scares you.”  
  
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t correct her, or tells her she’s right. He’s just glad she’s not there with him right now as his body suddenly feels fragile; like anything can knock him off his feet. That’s what her words do to him, they paralyze him but he can’t wait to hear more of them either. He wants her to stay away, but he wants to have her as well.   
  
He’s learned to be cautious when it comes to people now. He won’t let his guard down for just anybody and he sure as hell won’t be reckless with his heart again or let himself be reckless with somebody else’s. Gwen was the first one in quite a while to make it this difficult for him.   
  
Something inside of him suddenly snaps; he wants to render her speechless the same way she does to him. He wants to hear that soft gasp escape those killer lips, the way she takes away his breath. He wants to give her sheer honesty, since he realizes that’s the only way to give him what he wants.  
  
“You’re wrong about one thing”, he starts. He waits for any sign of interest and when he’s sure he has her full attention, he continues. “I’m not afraid to admit I want you. I wanted you back there in my car and I still want you now. I’m not afraid of happiness, I’m just afraid there isn’t any happiness to be found here…. between us.”  
  
He started out just wanting to get a reaction out of her, but an undeniable weight was lifted off his shoulders after speaking those words.  
  
“I don’t believe you.” She whispers almost like he wasn’t supposed to hear it. If he had known any better, he would’ve sworn he could hear tears in her voice, but he shook his head at the possibility.  
  
“It’s the truth.”  
  
The silence that followed was uneasy, awkward even. He felt like he might’ve just ruined things or maybe he saved them both.  
  
“No, the truth is that you felt something good when you hung out with me and it scared you. You don’t want to feel anything positive cause you’re scared it’ll get taken away.”  
  
He feels the anger rise within him and he wishes it wasn’t so easy for him to get upset these days, but he literally can’t help it. “Why are you always telling me how I’m feeling?”  
  
“Tell me I’m wrong.”  
  
The weight that was lifted off his shoulders only minutes ago, came back in full force at her words. The tension in his bones creeps up until it unifies in his back and he has to shift up to right himself.   
  
“I can’t do this, Gwen.” He meant for the words to come out convincingly, but instead they came out pleading; pleading to be understood, pleading for her to realize that he wants what he can’t have.  
  
He hears her exhale softly and his heart grows warm as she starts talking to him in that soft, soothing manner she does sometimes. “Do you want me to come over?”  
  
He doesn’t even think. “Yes.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s late as hell when she arrives, but he doesn’t care. She’s the first person he’s ever given his address to this quick, but he doesn’t care about that either for now. All that seems to matter is that gorgeous blonde standing on his doorstep, wearing an outfit similar to the one she was in when he met her, only now she seemed less out of place.   
  
He made a mental note to ask her about that later.  
  
He leads them to the living room era before sitting down in one of the large chairs, but she doesn’t follow his lead. Instead, she wanders off to the wall opposite of them, with a guitar leaning securely against it. He watches her eye it for a while before speaking. “It used to be my dad’s.”  
  
“You ever use it?” Her fingers are tracing the instrument delicately as she keeps her back to him.  
  
“I’m not really any good at it, but yeah.”  
  
He can tell she wants to say something at that, but she stops herself before the words escape her. She turns around and shoots him a genuine smile, before pointing at the shelve a couple meters to her right. “You can definitely tell you’re a big fan of music.” She says excitedly.   
  
He huffs at that, finally, an assumption he can safely stand behind. “It’s the one thing that’ll always be there for you.”  
  
In the meantime, she’s found her way to the shelve filled with CD’s and vinyl records, seemingly getting lost in it. He wants to say something, have her sit down with him, but watching her get lost in a part of his life that’s so important to him is greater than the need to have her close in proximity. She’s getting close in a whole different way and it’s one of the most intense feelings he’s had with her so far.   
  
“I used to write”, he says unexpectedly. “I stopped after the divorce though. I guess that channel just closed after that.”   
  
That’s what makes her finally move his way, as she goes to sit on the arm of his chair. “You know there’s a couch right there, right?” He says.  
  
“Perfectly aware.” She answers, without moving an inch.  
  
He shakes his head, but decides to let it go.

“What happened?” She asks deliberately but still sweet. A combination that staggers him every time.  
  
He raises his eyebrows, puzzled. “What do ya mean?”  
  
“The divorce. What happened between you guys?”  
  
Every fibre in his being tells him to shut down, not engage in this conversation because he knows it’ll end in an overwhelming sadness he can’t get out of. But Gwen’s sitting right there next to him, looking at him expectedly with these heartbreak eyes and he isn’t equipped to deny her much of anything, it seems. “I know you hear this all the time, but we really were too different. And not in a way where it could work.” He breathes out, the memories pressing heavy on his heart. “I was fighting for her while she was looking for a way out and I guess she found it.”  
  
She narrows her eyes, while staring deeply into his. “Why aren’t you telling me what really happened?”  
  
He swallows back hard. “I am.”  
  
“Not everything. You said you were fighting for her, what made you give up?”  
  
This woman was asking all the questions he never imagined answering, but looking into her eyes made him see the truth, even when it hurt. It made him trust her in a way he swore he wouldn’t again. He also knew that what he was about to say would strike a chord with her, maybe even scare her off, since it had done exactly that for him. It’s a shared loss that would only intensify their bond.  
  
“She had an abortion.” He’d thrown the admission out fast, but not fast enough to not get choked up. “I was convinced she cheated, I mean I’m pretty sure that happened too, but…”, he shook his head, jaw clenching violently. “She promised it was mine, which makes this undeniably worse.”  
  
He kept his eyes on her while a few tears escaped his, but he didn’t care. He needed to know she was still there and not going anywhere.  
  
She wasn’t saying anything, just stared at him with wide eyes as her breathing got slightly heavier. Unable to form any words yet, her arm crept up around the back of his neck, resting on his shoulder and his shirt shrivelled up slightly where she squeezed it gently. It was crazy to him how even while she was internally struggling, she still made it a priority to comfort him.   
  
“Thank you for telling me, Blake.” She said softly. “I obviously wasn’t there for you when it happened, but I am now.” She shifted so she could take his hand in hers and forced his gaze back up to her. “You don’t have to do it all alone.”  
  
His eyes softened at her words, but his exterior remained stiff; he found comfort in her words, but believing them was too big of a risk. “You didn’t tell me you’re sorry for me.” He deflected.  
  
“Cause that wouldn’t be fair of me to say.” She answered immediately. “Me saying that would only force you to say thank you and you shouldn’t have to say that in a situation like this, ever.”  
  
He forgot how much she could relate to him in this moment and was once again taken aback by her emotional intelligence and ability to realize exactly what he needs.  
  
He realizes she’s still holding his hand and the moment gets too intense for him. He untangles their fingers and stands up to create some distance between them. His hand feels could after losing her touch and he feels like he needs to steady himself fast. Leaning against the wall, he tries to gain some of his breath back when he sees her eyeing him intensely.  
  
“Don’t look at me like that.” He breathes.  
  
She chuckles, a low and knowing sound and it consumes him completely. This woman who was a stranger to him only a week ago, is now sitting in his house, her fingerprints all over some of his most personal belongings, his stories now part of her knowledge and a shared darkness that makes him feel impossibly lighter.   
  
She stands up from where she’s sitting and saunters over to him slowly, but stops at a reasonable distance. He watches her stand there for a second, her eyes are inviting but it’s clear she won’t take that last step. He knows she’s trying to do this his pace, but he’s not oblivious to what she wants. He wants it too.  
  
“I haven’t been with anyone since my divorce.” She says and he’s not even surprised at her transparency anymore. “I didn’t think I’d ever want to be either.” Something about her demeanour changes and it’s almost like she’s insecure now. She hasn’t moved at all from where she’s standing, but he takes a step towards her with every word she says. “It’s not like this is normal for me either, is what I’m trying to say.” He keeps his eyes on her, ignoring the reddening of her cheeks. “But for some reason I was drawn to you that night in the bar and I still am.”   
  
The words had barely left her mouth as he spun her around and pushed her back against the wall, his hands came up beside her head, caging her in.   
  
Her lips were right there, but he didn’t take them. Not yet. He revelled in the rising and falling of her chest, feeling a sense of pride fill his body at the knowledge it was all for him. It made him curious as to what else he was capable of making her do. When her hand reaches out for his shirt, pressing his body closer to hers, he knows there’s no way he’s able to draw this out any longer. One of his hands moves away from the wall to cup one of her cheeks, before kissing her with a passion he can’t remember possessing.  
  
Every whimper, exclamation of breath and soft moan, fuelled him to keep going. Her arms had made its way to the back of his neck and she was holding onto him so tightly he couldn’t think straight. Her lips were so soft against his, but there was something so desperate and demanding about the way she kissed him.  
  
“I don’t understand what you do to me.” He says in between kisses that he places delicately down her neck, much like the way she did to him in his car, last week. He hears her make this appreciative, lustful sound and smirks to himself as she grabs at his shoulders.  
  
“Please.” She whispers as he presses against her firmly, causing her to fall into her previous position, back pressed against the wall.  
  
“Is this what you want?” He asks.  
  
Her breath stutters as his knee pries in between her legs and he asks again. He can tell she wants to grind up against him, but she refrains herself; that kind of boldness is one she hadn’t yet attained and he smiles softly at the knowledge he isn’t the only one struggling to keep control.  
  
She pulled him closer by the neck and he felt her soft breathes coming out in little spurts against his throat, where she remained for a couple seconds. He hears her whisper a few soft ‘yes’s’ and it’s all he needs to press his lips back to hers. He plants kisses everywhere he sees skin, his palms moving up her shirt just enough to graze skin there too and he’s convinced she’s soft everywhere.  
  
The way she moans for him is beautiful and he can’t wait to strip her naked one day and make her cry out for him all night. He also knows he can’t do that today; it’s not why he allowed her to come over tonight and if he’s going to do this thing again, he’s going to do this right.  
  
They kiss for what feels like hours, before he silently retreats, finally being met with her confused and disappointed stare. It pulls on his heartstrings in a way that makes him want to go to full speed ahead and not give a damn about any of his boundaries, but he knows that he can’t falter. Not now.  
  
“I want to do this Gwen, more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time.” He starts. “But I made too many mistakes, went too fast too many times and I’m not about to repeat all of that.”  
  
He’s expecting her to be mad, mad for letting it get this far only to stop her now, but she surprises him when she cups his face with both hands, smiling softly. It’s moments like these where he feels that security she radiates most; when he’s vulnerable and open, she shows the most patience and understanding.   
  
“At your tempo.” She whispers. “I want you to let go with me, when you’re ready.”


	3. Chapter 3

He sat back securely. She’d made them both mimosas, which would have never been his choice of drink, but she had a way of putting him onto different things. Sitting on the rather large edge of her bathtub, watching her apply and re-apply her nail polish for the fifth time, he finds himself satisfied.  
  
Her bathroom is large, not obnoxiously, but without a doubt beyond the average norm. He realizes he has no idea what she even does to afford a place like this, because he barely knows her, but he knows her heart, which connects them on a level unlike any other person in his life, past or present.   
  
“Hand me a cotton pad, please.”  
  
He sets his fruity drink down on the sink next to her, launching forward to shake the cotton out of its package carefully, before handing it to her.

“Thank you.”   
  
Everything she does is so elegant; from how she delicately cleans some of the spilled polish from her skin, to the way she talks, manoeuvres and carries herself. He’s always in awe of the many ways she’s capable of taking his breath away.  
  
It’s getting late, he’s been in her bathroom for what must be hours, just watching her, talking, laughing, but never touching. They don’t touch like _that_ , since that night in his living room. That night where he almost threw all caution and sanity out of the window, just to have that slice of heaven he knows she’s capable of providing him with. But there is something more here, there’s a feeling of familiarity there, something he doesn’t have with anyone and he’s not willing to risk it by faking love for an hour or so, just to go back to living separate lives afterwards. When he does go there with her, he hopes to have built something more; something that will make her stay for much more time to come. He doesn’t want a night with her without tomorrow too. He’s greedy for her, but she seems to be okay with that. In fact, she seems to live for that type of intimacy.

“I’m glad you’re here, Blake, but...”, her voice grows quieter, “I understand if you want to go, because _this_ ”, she holds up her freshly painted nails, “This can’t be fun for you.”   
  
He doesn’t even get a chance to tell her wrong, cause in the next moment she makes a move to grab something from the vanity next to her, accidentally knocking her empty glass to the floor, as it scatters into pieces.

“Fuck.” She mumbles under her breath.

He’s up and next to her in an instant, placing one hand securely on her leg, telling her to stay put. He carefully picks up the biggest pieces before dumping them in the small bin, in the left corner. “Do you have a vacuum somewhere?”

“Yeah.” She breathes out. “It’s in the hallway closet. But it’s okay, really, I can get it.”

He shakes his head, not allowing her to get up. Ironically, she’s not even aware he’s just returning the favour, since he found himself in pieces on his bathroom floor, the night before they met.   
  
He gets up carefully not to step on any of the glass, before leaving Gwen alone in her bathroom. When he comes back, she’s standing at the sink, both hands gripping the edges, while she seems to assess the damage on the floor.   
  
He cleans up the last remaining pieces, before walking into her personal space, forcing her to look at him. “Talk to me, Gwen.”

“I’m just not used to this.” She says while waving her hand between them. “That’s all.”

“Not used to what?” He presses.

“Blake please...”  
  
“Tell me, Gwen. Not used to what?”  
  
She makes a move to walk away, but he presses into her until she’s firmly backed up against the sink, careful not to hurt her, but with enough force to show her he’s not letting this go. “Blake, what the...”-  
  
“You made me open up to you, let you in..”, he whispers. “Give me the same courtesy.”  
  
Her eyes widen at his words. “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking.”   
  
“Tell me.”  
  
“Blake.”

His name comes out as barely a whisper and hangs in between them for a couple seconds, without anyone making a sound. He doesn’t dare to move, doesn’t dare to speak, he just lets the moment be what it is, until she finds the courage he knows she has.

“I’m not used to anyone enjoying my presence the way you do. You just spent hours with me in by bathroom, watching me get ready. That’s.... _that’s_ not normal.”  
  
The insecurity in her voice shocks him, but he knows there’s more, so he presses his luck some more. “What else?”  
  
“I was thinking about how I wish you’d found me before _he_ did.”  
  
The admission hung heavy in the air between them and he couldn’t talk, couldn’t even think straight; this was the kind of honesty that scared him, the one that wanted to make him run. He doesn’t think she should believe in him the way that she does, because he will undoubtedly let her down. At the same time, he wants to push that fucker out of her mind and occupy all the spaces he once did, he wants a lifetime of years with her so he can say her ex got _only_ twenty.   
  
Then like she can read his mind: “I gave him nearly 20 years, so obviously, I’m not going to forget about him anytime soon. 20 years, Blake…. that’s _a lot_ of time to give someone.”  
  
Shit. Now he has her thinking he’s a jealous asshole. “I didn’t...” -  
  
“You don’t want me to think about him.”  
  
“I don’t want you thinking I’m any better.”  
  
He can tell she’s fighting it, but a silent tear makes its way down her cheek and it physically pains him not to reach out. “But you are.”  
  
“You’re better than me.” He whispers.  
  
She attempts at winding her arms around him completely, her chin resting on his chest, waiting for him to look at her. She smiles sweetly when he does.

“Doesn’t really matter who’s better than who, when you’re great together.”  
  
Her voice is so soft and gentle; it shouldn’t be this powerful. She has no way of knowing this, but everything she says swirls around in his head way after she leaves. She reaches parts of him he wrote off a long time ago, and having them resurface, is both thrilling and painful.   
  
Unfortunately for them, the painful side wins out in this moment and he pulls away from her touch, her arms falling off his body as he does so. “I should go.”  
  
A pained expression takes over her soft features and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt self-hatred quite like this.   
  
She huffs, biting her bottom lip in frustration. “It’s always one or the other with you. You either touch me, but don’t talk or talk and don’t touch. Why can’t we have both? Why are you always running?”  
  
Her voice is cold, distant, and so not her. He almost wishes she would get all up in his face and yell. Anything instead of this. But this is where they are, where he drove them into.   
  
“I need time.”  
  
“To get away from me.”  
  
“No.” He walks towards her again, to close some of the distance between them and oh what a paradox he is. When he’s close to touching her again, she pushes against his chest firmly, momentarily causing him to freeze.  
  
“You’re waiting until you grow the courage to ditch me. You can’t have me close on all levels, because that would crumble your walls and you need those to keep me out. You’re only saying what I need to hear, so I’ll stick around until you’re ready.” She spits the words out between ragged breathes, holding her hand up as he approaches again. “Don’t play with me.”  
  
He’s at a loss for words and swallows hard at the knotted feeling in his stomach. She reads him like an open book sometimes, but this time was different. There was honesty to her rant, but it wasn’t true.   
  
“I’m not playing with you, Gwen...” he throws his hands up in defeat, shaking his head. “How can you not see how bad of an idea this is?”

“You won’t let things be good, it’s like you just don’t believe in any of it. This could be good, Blake.”   
  
His defence is slowly crumbling and he knows he won’t be able to protect them for much longer. “I’ll destroy us. Things are not going to be good, just because you have your eyes closed.”  
  
She grimaced.   
  
“Do you enjoy being a prick right now?"

The anger flooded through her and he could tell she had to refrain from physically pushing him again.   
  
His eyes flickered. "Fine Gwen, I'm a prick, but I’m trying to save you here." His voice was direct and determined.  
  
"I don’t fucking want you to!" she yelled back. "Stop treating me like I'm made of glass, Blake. I know love isn’t always pretty, I’ve seen it be ugly. I can also see this be different." Her words had flown out of her so fast she was nearly out of breath.  
  
He paused for a moment and then bowed his head breaking their eye contact.  
  
"You're so fucking naïve," he whispered under his breath.  
  
She stepped forward, so close to him now. She was shaking her head, doing her best to control herself.  
  
“If you want to leave, Blake, I won’t stop you. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the past is that people aren’t your property and love doesn’t exclude loss. My past could’ve prevented me from talking to you that first night, but instead I felt like I deserved the possibility of this being good. You can call that whatever you want.”  
  
There was a pause after her words. It took him nearly a second to realize he’d mistaken her bravery for being naive and suddenly words didn’t seem good enough.   
  
He stepped forward, his hand resting on the nape of her neck. “Nothing has ever been like this for me, Gwen. Nothing. I make sure there’s at least some distance between us at all times, because I don’t think you really want all of me.” He speaks the next words in a whisper, but they’re deafening to his ears. “And when you realize that, and want out, I want it to be easy for you.”  
  
“You can’t live like that.” Her voice matches his volume.

“I know. I’m sorry.”   
  
He can see the moment her demeanour changes and pulls her into his chest, ignoring the small whimper as he does so.

There’s still so much to learn about her, she’s lived so much life, but she doesn’t wear it like an armour, instead she carries it as wisdom. Her heart is beaten and bruised just like his, but she’s still willing to lay it all out there at the risk of getting destroyed again. He’s done everything he could to push her away, but she’s still allowing him to hold her.  
  
It’s a warmth he’s never known before, it makes him want to give her things he’s not sure he’s capable of providing.  
  
“Can we lay down on your couch? I just want to hold you for a little while. _Please_.”  
  
He doesn’t know how he managed to get the word yes from her, but he doesn’t dwell on it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She moves, scoots up closer to him and lets her head rest against his shoulder, while her leg is almost completely thrown over his. Hours pass by before either one of them makes a move, her body so close to his he can smell the sweet aroma of her sweet and homey scent, the air in the room getting a tad cold, but her soft breath against the side of his neck providing him with all the necessary warmth. After their heated argument, earlier, he’s shocked to learn she’s still clinging to him, showing him love and mercy, until his limbs feel so heavy with content, he’s not sure he ever wants to leave. When he looks at her after a while and catches her staring with a goofy smile on her face, he’s certain: he wants to run with and to her, never from her.  
  
He moves then, not caring about any of their rules and she moves back when she realizes he’s crawling over her. The look on her face is one of surprise and maybe even nerves and it’s the most innocent he’s ever seen her look. She lets herself fall onto her back, letting him hover over her.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to…” –  
  
“I won’t kiss you.” He interrupts.  
  
“ _Oh_.” She whispers and he swears he can hear the disappointment in her voice.   
  
He knows she can lead him to salvation, he would let her take everything she needed and would not be greedy when it came to returning the favour. It was as beautiful as it was erotic to see her lay underneath him like this.   
  
“I could’ve laid there like that with you forever.” He muses out loud.  
  
She smiled. “Yet you didn’t.”  
  
His breathing sounded shallow to his ears, his lower body pressing into hers, distracting him in the best possible way.

“Seems like I’m not too good at resisting you when you’re that close.”  
  
He wishes he could take a snapshot of that look she gives him next, a gaze worthy of all the awards, something he thinks he might memorize forever.  
  
“You feel a lot when you allow yourself to. I’ve noticed that.”  
  
“Cause you’re the same way.”  
  
“I’m different.” She breathes, soft hands now roaming his chest, over his heart, until her arms are around his neck. “But I understand it.”  
  
“How are you different?” He lets her pull him forward a little until their foreheads are touching, his body now pressing into her in its entirety.  
  
“It’s not a choice for me. I feel a lot and that’s just that; there’s no disguising or denying what I feel.”  
  
“You ever wonder if it’s costing you too much?”  
  
“It’s a price I’m willing to pay.” She says confidently.  
  
He stares at her for what could be seconds, or maybe minutes, but she doesn’t stop him or looks away, what she does do is bask in the intensity a little. Nothing else seemed to matter but this moment between them, his breathing deep but calm, his fingers gently tracing the outlines of her face.  
  
“I don’t understand how someone can be so fearful, yet touch me like _that_.”  
  
He opened his mouth to say something, but he refrained himself when he saw her smile up at him, turning the moment into a certain kind of sweetness only she was capable of.  
  
“I wanna touch you, Gwen. Really touch you.” His voice is low as he watches her face change from sweet to something else.  
  
She nods in acknowledgement, a silent confirmation of what he already knows.  
  
Blake leans forward enough to kiss her then, soft and gentle, being careful not to crush her as he adjusts the pressure point. Her breath is soft and hot until it breaks, the tension beginning to dissipate. Pulling away from her lips, he kisses his way across her cheek, down her neck, getting lost in the barely there sounds that escape her lips. He nuzzles the space above her collarbone for a second; breathing her in and planting sweet kisses against her skin there.  
  
He continues downward then, teasing her breast through the skimpy fabric of her t-shirt, mindful to avoid her hardening nipples. She arches into him beautifully and he presses back, causing her to grab the sides of his arms in an almost panic.

“Blake.”  
  
“It’s okay.” He says while pulling her top up slightly to kiss down her toned stomach. “I got you.”  
  
He could tell she was desperate, desperate for him to give her more of what he’s starting to do to her, the feeling of him heating up her body with all her clothes still securely on her body had her panting in a way he’d for sure dream about. She whimpers when he kisses right above the waistband of her shorts, her hands landing on the back of his head, pleading.  
  
“Please take it off.” She whispers. “Please, Blake.”  
  
The sound of her needy and desperate turns the bright blue in his eyes to a shade of black, every nerve ending in his body on fire like she’s the one teasing him. He contemplates giving her what she wants, but his need to watch her lose her mind in a bunch of different ways before he crosses that inevitable line with her, is stronger than anything else.  
  
He just shakes his head before dipping down and kissing one hipbone, teasing her before he places a kiss almost on top of her centre, the thin denim fabric the one thing that’s separating his hot mouth from the place she wants him the most.  
  
“God, Blake, please. You’re killing me.”  
  
He moves up fast, his face hovering above hers once again as he skilfully undoes the top button of her jeans, sliding one of his hands gently inside of her pants, eliciting a small gasp from her, her eyes shutting tightly at the feeling of his hand against her panties.  
  
Not being able to withstand her little whimpering noises any longer, he kisses her with so much force it even surprises him. His tongue is colliding with hers in the most perfect way, tasting her while occasionally nibbling, until she’s a shivering mess beneath him. His lips on hers, while his hand is rubbing her lightly over her underwear seems to be her undoing.  
  
“Can you come like this?”  
  
She didn’t answer, just grabbed the sides of his shirt again, obviously not allowing herself to let go just yet. He was determined to change that. “I want you to come like this, Gwen.”  
  
He picked up the pace, thrusting his hips down onto hers, causing his hand to press against that bundle of nerves harder, the pressure almost too much for her as she threw her head back and let his name fall of her lips. He needs to hear that again, immediately. He rubbed more firmly this time, his mouth nibbling softly on her earlobe and he felt her thigh twitch, the sharp intake of breath and her chest rising almost violently.  
  
“That’s it baby.”  
  
That’s all it took for her to fall apart; she was letting out a string of small whimpers, one hand digging into his hair while the other one fell carelessly above her head and it was one of the hottest sights he’s ever seen.  
  
He waited for her breathing to even out a little bit, resting his head in the crook of her neck, making sure to watch every minute of her trying to get her bearings back. Something about knowing he got her to fall of that edge, with the intensity she just did, sparked the most primal part within him.  
  
She motions for him to come closer as she calms down some, placing a deep kiss on his lips as she wiggles her hips, feeling his erection against her thigh.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you with that?” She says softly and deliberate.  
  
“You know when you get those tingles in your spine, goosebumps everywhere, everything else a blur except for the feelings you’re experiencing in that moment?” He asks while placing soft kisses on her mouth and cheek. “ _That’s powerful”_ , he whispers. “And exactly what you do to me. Everything else can wait. Besides, this was for you, it ain’t about me.”  
  
His words sound vulnerable, he’s feeling like his chest has been split open and even though she’s the one who just fell apart, it’s him who’s picking up the pieces.  
  
She pushes at his head so it falls perfectly against her chest, it’s a gesture that says more than words ever could.  
  
“Hey Blake?”  
  
“Hmmm?” He murmurs, his eyes closed and body content as he’s lying on her chest.  
  
“Anybody ever tell you that you make for the perfect blanket?”  
  
He huffs out a laugh. “I aim to please, darlin.”  
  
“ _Really_?” She grins, her hand pulling at the back of his shirt. “How about you come here and prove it.”

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took a while! I’m still trying to figure out where to take this story and if I should continue or just end it here. I’ve read all the comments and they make me so happy, I just had to give you guys another chapter. Hopefully it’s worth the wait!

She’s drunk. She’s always a force of nature, today being no exception, but with her blood alcohol levels rising, she’s undeniably affected. She’s so tiny, he wondered if she would be able to take her liquor, - turns out she can’t; the slight slurring of her words, her ever growing staggering walk and rosiness of her cheeks gave her away, causing a protective instinct to kick in within him. Yet, there’s something incredible endearing about seeing her so inhibited and almost childlike in her mannerism.  
  
She’s eying the substance and golden glow of the glass-like cubes, poking them with these perfect nails of hers, just to hear them jiggle, giggling softly as she does. She’s almost entranced as they bounce back up, remaining mostly submerged like mini icebergs.  
  
He himself vowed to stay away from the real heavy stuff tonight; his place a stark contrast of that promise. Along his wall was every hue of amber liquid in their inverted bottles; every vice that he’s ordering himself to avoid. He has to.

Before he met Gwen, things were different, less clear, uglier. It’s a past he doesn’t like going over, nor does he ever find himself opening- up about it. Though he knows, if she ever asks, he will.

And she will.  
  
His breakfast used to be whiskey with a rum chaser; he was slurring his words by lunchtime and passed out by the afternoon. He’d drink in silence, hoping that he’d find the answer at the bottom of the glass and then the bottom of the bottle.  
  
His train of thought gets interrupted by her small voice, sounding raspy and way too sultry for his own good. “Isn’t it funny?” She slurs.  
  
He looks up at her, smiling. “What is?”  
  
“People drink to suppress darkness, right?”  
  
Not too excited about where this conversation is heading, he decides on a neutral response. “Sometimes.”  
  
“Well, I think it’s most of the time.” It looks like she must focus to make these sentences come out the same way she’s hearing them in her head and he chuckles at the intense concentrated expression on her face. “But I’m so happy, Blake.”  
  
It’s not what he expects to hear and he’s not prepared for the way his body fills with something that must resemble happiness. It’s a feeling he’s gotten so estranged to, he can’t even find a way to express it properly, so instead he presses his luck.  
  
“Why are you drinking then?”  
  
“Cause I’m happy!” She exclaims, almost in disbelief he even dared to ask her that.  
  
He chuckles again. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a lightweight?”  
  
She shrugs it off, not giving his statement the time of day, instead she staggers over to him, dropping herself down onto his lap. She was sitting so close to him, with no space left in between them, he’s sure she can feel his heartbeat against her chest.  
  
She bites down on her bottom lip, like she always does, - he came to find out-, before draping her arms around his neck.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re cute?” Giving a spin on his earlier words.  
  
“You’re drunk off your ass.” He says, dismissing her statement as he reaches down her back to hold her against him.  
  
“And you’re so warm.” She’s nuzzling his neck now, her soft breathes against his skin there making his whole body erupt in goosebumps.  
  
“Gwen.” He nearly groans.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Her voice sounds different all the sudden, nervous almost, but she’s still clinging to him, nuzzling his neck.  
  
The slight change in tone scares him, but he’s curious nonetheless. “You ain’t even gotta ask, Gwen.”  
  
“When’s the last time you’ve spoken to _her_?”  
  
The silence that lingers next is long and palpable and he wants to break it desperately, but something inside of him shuts down at the mention of his ex.  
  
“Uhm…. It’s been a while, I…… why’re you asking me this?” He finds himself almost sounding sad, sad she asked, sad it still hurts to answer.  
  
“Answer me.” She’s whispering the words, but it’s the most demanding he’s heard her sound so far.  
  
“Her birthday last month. She texted me. I guess she’s lonely. She doesn’t really have anyone.”  
  
His breathing is speeding up and he knows she can feel it, he just can’t get himself to care. There are feelings he’s staying away from on purpose; being honest might make you believable, but feelings aren’t always reachable. He knows that, but he’s well aware Gwen probably doesn’t have many feelings she doesn’t visit on the regular. Painful or not.  
  
“Did you answer her?”  
  
He shakes his head, both happy with her follow-up question as annoyed. “No.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
She’s sitting up finally, looking at him. His smile has faded by now, his expression on her deep and intense as his eyes were staring directly at her, examining her, surveying her.  
  
He clears his throat, suddenly dryer than the outdoor air. “Why would I?”  
  
“Are you angry she reached out?”  
  
“ _Yes_.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
The question throws him off, but he recovers quickly. “She cheats on me, leaves me in the dark for months and then she just reaches out, out of the blue, because she feels like it. Why in the hell would I not be mad at that?”  
  
“You said she was lonely.” Is the only reply he gets.  
  
He huffs at that bitterly. “So being lonely is an excuse to be selfish now?”  
  
His words came out harsh and unpolished, obviously coming from a painful place and he almost winced himself when he spoke them out loud.  
  
“It’s not an excuse, but it might make it a bit easier to…...understand.”  
  
He didn’t respond right away and when he did, there was an annoyance in his tone she would without a doubt detect. “We shouldn’t even be talking about this. You’re drunk.”  
  
She didn’t miss a beat. “You don’t talk about this when we’re sober either.”  
  
He knows she’s speaking her truth, but this is entirely different and he’s intent on telling her. Having her in his life changed his priorities, he’s investing in this cause he’s sticking with this. “I’m focusing on this, Gwen. I’m committed to this, - the future. I really don’t see how my past is from any importance right now.”  
  
Usually her voice brings him a familiarity he can bathe in, something to anchor him, to keep him safely locked in a place where he feels calm and collected, but now her voice brings out something else entirely. He feels like he’s barely hanging on and she can cut the cord anytime.  
  
“Sorry.” She mumbles.  
  
“Don’t apologize. Tell me where it came from.”  
  
She simply looks at him, her gaze shifting from his face to the centre of his chest; the gesture not going unnoticed by him. He reaches out for her chin, lifting it slightly and she’s talking before he even gets the chance to ask again.  
  
“Sometimes I feel like you don’t allow yourself to move on.” The slur in her words is overbearing now and it takes some effort to follow, but he doesn’t say anything, just lets her get it all out. “And I just want you to know you can talk about this stuff and I won’t get upset, I just don’t want all this stuff to come out later in such a way where it could possibly ruin things, because Blake this is so good, right now.” Her voice is trembling with something other than the alcohol running through her veins. “I’m really happy with you.” She waits for him to object, or maybe interject, but when he doesn’t, she continues. “I just wanted to ensure myself, I guess.”  
  
“Ensure yourself of what?” He finally asks.  
  
“Of you. Of _us_.”  
  
He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

“This is not an escape for me.” He says, his hands moving to lock a lose stray of hair behind her ear. “I want you.” He says as he places a feather soft kiss on her neck. “A lot.” Another kiss on her neck, higher this time.  
  
Her eyes soften, casting over his face and she closes the distance she created herself a few minutes ago. “Just admit it, you’re addicted to me.” She raises her eyebrow while waiting for his response.  
  
He smiles at the complete one-eighty she just did and realizes she’s way too far gone right now to continue this conversation, but he silently vows to himself to bring it up again when she’s sober. He owes her that much.  
  
“Maybe you’re right.”  
  
She kisses him then, slow and soft, comforting in ways that words could never be. Her hand resting below his ear, her thumb caressing his cheek and the quick thought of being absolutely fine with everything else falling away, but them, running through his mind as their breathes mingle.  
  
They only separate when she pulls away giggling. “Kiss me harder, cowboy.”  
  
He’s struggling with how far he should let this go, obviously not sleeping with her since she probably won’t remember anything the next morning, but the way she’s shifting and grinding down on him, and the feeling of her lips on him, have his defences seriously weakened.  
  
He moves up, almost too slowly, before connecting his lips with hers again, he goes from nipping at her bottom lip, to grazing her collarbone, before moving down to her breast, making sure to give her attention she needs everywhere. Her breathing is starting to get more ragged and he moves up, unable to go without the sight of her barrelling out of control.  
  
“More please.”  
  
She’s straight forward, but there’s a shyness in her voice that he recognizes all too well and wants nothing more than to bring her uninhibited pleasure.  
  
Just not tonight.  
  
When she grinds down onto him harder, unimpressed with how long he’s taking to honour her request, he grunts and holds her hips still on top of him. “As much as this pains me, we can’t keep going.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“You know why not. Babe, I’m not taking advantage of you.”  
  
“Blake…”, she sighs desperately, staring up at the ceiling of the now dimly lit living room.  
  
“As much as I’m down with what you’re trying to start here, I’m more down with you. If I want that statement to mean anything, I can’t let us go there. Not like this.” He says calmly, staring steadily into her eyes, but the lack of self-control he’s feeling slightly colouring his words.  
  
As if planned, a huge yawn escapes her as she clings onto him a bit tighter, to which he can’t contain his growing smirk.

“How tired are you right now?” He asks.  
  
She tries to hide from him, letting her head rest on his shoulder in the process. “Not a lot.”  
  
“Really, huh?”  
  
She mumbles “yes” while rubbing at her eyes and she really is a terrible liar.  
  
“You need some sleep, Gwen.” His voice isn’t forceful, but he’s not asking either. It’s a statement and it’s not a shaky one. “Come on, I’ll help you upstairs.”  
  
Before the words have even left his lips, she’s dozing off.

Selfishly, he could stay like this forever; her cheek pressed against his shoulders, her soft breathes against his neck, her hand falling from his neck to his chest, bringing him a calmness no one other than Gwen can provide him.  
  
He knows she’ll wake up with the worst ache if he lets her fall asleep like this for long, so he pushes his own wishes aside and gently stands up, scooping her up swiftly in his arms as he ascends the stairs with her.  
  
  
  
  
  
He watches her slowly come back to him, her eyes fluttering open and shut for a few times, before she finally gets used to the pale light peeking through the curtains. She’s slept the whole night through, his own body sore all over from sleeping on the couch, but he wouldn’t change a single thing about last night.  
  
Not even now, as he’s sitting on the edge of his bed, careful not to crush her, as she’s sprawled out, her legs slowly rubbing against the cotton sheets as she stirs in the morning air. After a few more moments of adjusting to the fact that the moon had officially lost its fight with the sun, she sits up a bit, pulling the blankets nearly up to her chin, frowning at the pounding headache he knows she must be experiencing right now.  
  
“Morning, sleepy head.”  
  
“Morning.” She replied groggily. “How long have I slept for?”  
  
“All night.”  
  
Her eyes grow wide and he knows she probably feels guilty for locking him out of his bed all night, so he decides to interject before she can even think about apologizing.  
  
“You got really drunk last night. How bad is it?” He asks referring to the way-too familiar headache.  
  
She stares at him with big eyes, that look of horror still on her face, but flashes him a smile that makes his stomach flutter regardless. “Pretty bad”, she admits. “But every minute worth it.”  
  
“Here. I brought some water with me before I came here, some Advil too. Trust me, you’re gonna wanna take some.”  
  
He grabs the glass from where he put it a couple minutes earlier, handing it over gently. Her small hands wrap around the glass fully as she gulps it back a little too fast, the richly clear liquid going down her burning throat tearing the moan straight from her.

“This is....so good.” Her cheeks are still a slight colour red from the night before.  
  
“It’s just water.” He chuckles.  
  
“It’s magical.”  
  
It’s when she’s adorable like this, that he finds it the hardest to contain himself.

“You think I could interest you for some dry toast? I do have that magic touch and all.”  
  
Her eyes glimmer with something mischievous, while she bites her bottom lip. “Oh, yes you do.”  
  
“Damnit woman!” He coughs. “I’m trying to be a gentleman here.”  
  
The laughter that erupts from her is a sound straight from heaven, he’s convinced.  
  
“You are amazing, Blake.” Any witty remarks long forgotten, her features softening as she speaks and her eyes portraying a love and understanding that warms him.  
  
He’s never experienced a lightness like this. He’s been using anger and resentment all his life, carrying it around, coating him like protective permafrost, to save him from the torments of his youth and let downs from his present. It’s the method that had isolated him; well-meant words would bounce off him as good as hard rain. But this woman who’d magically appeared in his life one day, helped replace that resentment in his eyes with a loving spark.  
  
She’s warmth in a world where it’s cool to be cold.  
  
“Blake?”  
  
“Hmmm?”  
  
“Thank you for being so patient with me. Especially after last night.” She adds. “I know I probably came on a bit strong, but I really do appreciate you for waiting to make this special. I don’t ever want to treat it like anything less.”  
  
For some reason, her words hit him harder than expected, filling him with even more adoration for the woman sitting in front of him.

“No need to thank me, Gwen.”  
  
She’s right, this thing between them was more meaningful than anything he’s experienced in his life, they owed it to themselves to never use this as anything less than it is. The only way to ensure they even have a fighting chance, is if they start this thing with a clean slate and solid basis.  
  
He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly, before meeting her eyes again. She’s still looking at him with all the patience in the world; there are no defences to be detected in her eyes, just compassion and understanding.  
  
“I love you, Gwen.”  
  
The words linger in the air for what feels like an eternity, he’s frozen in place, in shock that he said the words out loud already, but meaning every word of it nonetheless.  
  
Waiting for her reaction becomes almost unbearable, to the point where he can’t help but release a deep sigh when she finally does. “W-what?”  
  
“I know it’s soon. I probably should’ve waited to tell you, but I do.” He stammers. “......love you.”  
  
He watches her blink furiously, trying to keep the tears from falling before her eyes soften and the corners of her mouth tilt slightly. The anticipation is close to killing him when she pulls his head down to meet her lips for a desperate kiss.

“Oh my god, Blake.” She whispers into his neck when she pulls away to breathe. “I love you too.”  
  
She’d said the words so softly, but the force of which it hits him is jarring. She looks at him like she’s not sure if she just said the wrong thing and he feels a wave of anger towards anyone who’s ever done her wrong.  
  
After stealing a few more soft kisses and sweet words, he intensifies the mood by gently pushing her on her back, so he can hover on top of her. She waits for him to make his next move, allowing him to take charge in this moment.  
  
He’s drawing every miniscule reaction from her, until her intimate sounds turn into something much more inhibited.  
  
When she’s finally calming down some in his arms, the sunlight hits her face just right and everything else in the room seems to disappear, but them. Everything around him is just warm and magical, the woman laying against him no exception. This feels like what he’s been chasing all his life and here on his bed, after tipping her off the edge multiple times by his lips and fingers only, he finally finds it.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!

He’s seen a lot of beautiful things in his life, but her sitting in his backyard, her legs outstretched and her hands pulling at the short grass that surrounds her, is a sight he’ll never grow tired of. He can’t get himself to walk over to where she is yet, the ravishing picture she’s making in front of him enough to keep him frozen in place.  
  
She hasn’t left since yesterday. He didn’t even need to ask her to stay as she boldly invited herself in such a way only she could, but he would never complain; her presence an undeniable gift he couldn’t believe he was receiving, sometimes teetering on the edge of unrealistic, yet there was nothing false about her; she lived in her truth while showing compassion for his’.  
  
She didn’t allow him to spend another night on the couch either, she’d created enough space for him to be the bigger spoon all night, stealing light touches. He didn’t think he could be happier until he woke up to her beautiful face, her indescribable beauty so radiant it makes the skies look dull in her presence.  
  
Freshly showered and finally ready to move, he walks out from where he’s been standing, making his presence known so he wouldn’t startle her.  
  
She smiles up at him brightly. “Took you long enough.” She teases.  
  
“You can’t rush perfection, _honey_.”  
  
She rolls her eyes and pats the ground next to her, waiting for him to sit down.

“I could get used to this.”  
  
He watches her intently, smiling. “Get used to what, sweetness?”  
  
“Waking up with you.”  
  
It’s one of the things he loves most about her, she’s an open book and can’t hide her feelings for shit, - doesn’t even want to. It’s a nice change from what he’s used to. It’s a rawness he doesn’t possess though, so instead of answering he scoots closer to her and wraps his arm firmly around her; to which she always melts into him perfectly.  
  
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this free while hanging out with someone. You know that?”

Her eyes were roaming his face now, while her hand came up to softly trace his jawline. “What do you mean?” she whispers.  
  
He lowers his volume to her level when he speaks again. “I mean that there have always been limitations in how much of myself I could be around other people, if that makes sense.”  
  
She doesn’t speak, just hums and he continues. “I feel like you bring out the most honest version of myself. I can’t even disguise the ugly parts around you and trust me, that’s scary.”  
  
Her eyes squint and she shakes her head. “Are you scared now?”  
  
Just for a moment he considers telling her differently, but he knows she’ll understand what he’s trying to say.

“Insanely. You give me back a part of myself I thought I’d lost.” Her eyes flicker at his words and she’s flustered, he can tell. He goes in for the kill then, goes for the blunt honesty she’s taught him. “I thought being myself was being too much by default. It’s a shitty, almost pathetic thing to admit, but it’s true. I associated myself with everything that was entirely too much and entirely too little. Feelings are numbing and love just breaks. That’s how I felt and it’s crazy to me how…”, he shakes his head.  
  
She’s hanging onto every word he’s saying and it’s almost cruel for him to cut himself off, but it’s not on purpose.

“What? What’s crazy to you, Blake?”  
  
“The fact that you changed that. My whole outlook on things, - you’ve changed that.”  
  
He watches her process his words, her smile widening by default. She pulls his face closer so that their heads are resting together.

“Tell me I was wrong.”  
  
He blinks at that, not knowing what she’s referring to in the slightest. “What?”  
  
“That night in my bathroom”, she starts. “When we fought. I told you I could see this be good.” She stares at him, their eyes locked, and no matter how intense the moment gets, he can’t physically get himself to look away. “Tell me I was wrong.”  
  
He shakes his head in disbelief, his voice barely a whisper when he speaks. “You weren’t.”  
  
Her hands slide over his wrist, holding him where she can feel his pulse pounding. “I knew I could love you the moment I saw you in that bar.” Her breathing is shallow, like it’s stuck in the back of her throat somewhere. “That day in my bathroom, when you stayed all day just to be with me…… I knew I loved you then.” She chuckles. “I’m crazy, right?”   
  
“For loving me?”  
  
She whips her head around to face him so quick, he’s scared she might’ve hurt herself, but she doesn’t pay it any mind.

“For knowing it so soon.”  
  
He gets that, he honestly does. It’s weird to think of them ever being strangers, because there was something there the moment they met; some strange feeling of familiarity ran through his veins that very first night, trusting her enough to take her to his most valued place. A place where he’d only spent miserable nights alone.  
  
“I don’t think time means anything.” He’s fully turned to her now. “I mean _think_ about it, Gwen. We’ve known people for most our lives, who have hurt us, scarred us. Time didn’t make them love us more, neither did it make them love us less. It’s just there or it isn’t.”  
  
She smiles before shifting and straddling him, pushing him back. She follows him all the way down until her whole body is pressed against him as she kisses him roughly.

“Can’t believe I found you”, she mumbles into his mouth. “Thank God.”  
  


  
  
They stay hidden away at his place for the remaining of the day; stealing kisses in his backyard, to getting tangled up with each other on the couch. He still finds himself waiting for the moment she shies away from him, or hurries home unexpectedly, but she does the contrary; buries herself deeply into his side, maintaining physical contact.  
  
It’s not until they’re getting ready for dinner when they finally part, only to find their way back to each other afterwards. He knows she’ll probably have to go soon, but selfishly hopes he can keep her out here to see another day turn into tomorrow.  
  
She must sense his thoughts getting away from him, because she presses herself up against his front, claiming his attention as hers instantly.

“Earth to Blakey”, she whispers huskily.  
  
He’s well aware of the electricity in the air as soon as she set foot in his personal space, - he’s noticing the acceleration of his heart-rate, which has nothing to do with fear but everything to do with his desire for her. She seems to know exactly what she’s doing to him as she presses into his even more, her fingers hooking into one of the loops on his jeans.

The moment her fingers graze bare skin while dipping slightly into his waistband, something not only stirs in him, but takes over his thinking. The rest of the world becomes an unimportant blur that’s banished into the far recesses of his mind.  
  
He used to think his hands were made for chopping wood and building homes, rather than tiny clasps and beautiful creatures like this, but his whole perspective was shifting; _he’s made for her._  
  
It’s right in that moment she teasingly pulls away and starts backing away from him with a slight swing in her hips.  
  
He acts quick then, snagging her around the waist and tugging him back against her. A small whimper falls off her lips as she falls against him easily and he welcomes her eagerly into the cradle of his body. He wraps his arms all the way around her slim waist, holding her securely against his chest.

She drops her head against his shoulder and he takes the opportunity to latch onto her neck, the whimper escaping her lips as soon as his teeth make contact with her bare skin.  
  
“Blake.” She breathes.  
  
He turns her around immediately, knowing that when she’s at the point of panting out his name, her eyes go dark and will be swimming with arousal and a shimmer of nerves, not able to hide the anticipating well at all; something he needs to see every second of. The facial expressions and soft noises leaving her mouth a sweet, delicious bonus.  
  
All he does is look at her when her nails start scratching his chest lightly, a silent request he’s not ready to honour just yet. When she realizes he’s not going to give her what she wants, she takes matters into her own hands, starting to unbutton his shirt.  
  
“Not yet.” He says through gritted teeth. His hands move from her waist to her hands on his chest, gripping them in one hand and easily pinning them against her back. “Why rush now?”  
  
She huffs in frustration but gives in eventually, keeping her hands to herself even after he lets her go.

As a sign of good faith, he resorts to the lace underneath her denim skirt, pulling at it so slowly it almost seems to pain her as the underwear slides down her bare legs.  
  
When she reaches for her shirt he finally nods, allowing her to pull it over her head and disregard it on the floor next to her panties. In front of him in only her bra and skirt, he realizes how incredibly vulnerable she’s being and how much he loves her for it.  
  
Unable to withstand her any longer, he kisses from her neck all the way down to her chest until he’s kneeling in front of her, dipping his tongue in her belly button. Her hands grip down on his shoulder hard, a sharp inhale of breath as he places a kiss on top of her centre, only shielded by the small fabric of denim still clinging onto her hips.  
  
“Blake please. _Please_ ”, she whimpers.  
  
Ready to take it further, but only at his own pace, he hikes up her skirt a little, revealing her most sensitive area to him. He licks his lips, before treating her folds with the same treatment; it’s a feather light and quick touch, but enough to make her knees buckle. He meets her eyes as he goes for it again, revelling in the utter pleasure displayed on her face.  
  
“Oh my god”, she cries out.  
  
She nearly yells when he gets up and ushers them upstairs, leaving her lost and breathless as he walks her back to the bed, until she loses her balance and falls back onto the matrass.

Before she can protest some more, he’s back on his knees in front of her and a small, knowing smirk forms on her lips.  
  
Her legs that were bungling of the edge of the bed are now resting on his shoulders as he goes in for the kill; his tongue swirls over her bundle of nerves a few times, until she’s shuddering and begging for more.

“I want you so bad, Blake. Please.”  
  
“You’re so hot just like this.” He says in between licks, the warm breath of his words generating over her lips nearly causing her to explode; the vibrations almost as good as the way he licks and sucks.  
  
Her reactions to what he’s doing making him painfully aroused; his cock still trapped against his jeans.

“Blake fu– “, her words trailing off into a breathy moan as he gives her exactly what she wants, -more.

He swirls his finger lazily between her thighs, flicking, teasing, pressing just enough to draw forth a gasp, her breathy inhale followed by a high-pitched moan as he parts her, dragging his finger through her wetness. He presses in firmly, her head falling back onto the bed when he does.

“Take what you need from me, Gwen. Take it.” He encourages her.  
  
Next thing he knows she’s pressing herself more firmly against his hand, placing the heel of his palm almost directly into contact with her as he moves faster inside of her, determined to be the only thing on her mind as everything else blurs out.  
  
“Shit, shit, shit”, she pants in succession, her thighs quivering.  
  
His hand twists slightly, his tongue darting forward to slide over her clit, solid pressure where he knows she wants it most and it’s less than two seconds before she’s clenching around him, arching into him. The rolling of her lips uncontrollable at this point, while his hand and tongue continue to draw the pleasure out of her.  
  
Hearing her cry out his name while her orgasm wrecks her body, - giving into it completely-, makes him feel a certain power he knows he can get addicted to. She’s so beautiful when she completely let’s go and he prides himself for getting to be the one to extract such an exquisite reaction from her.  
  
Her chest is still heaving when he comes up to place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“You’re beautiful.”

She doesn’t answer, he’s not even sure she heard him as she’s still trying to come back to herself.  
  
A few minutes’ pass before her voice cuts through the silence. “Oh my god”, she whispers.  
  
He’s about to speak up when she crawls up onto the bed, hovering over him. Her naked body fully pressed onto his completely dressed one and the sight is beyond erotic, but also frustrating: He wants to be inside of her now.  
  
Like she can read his mind, she smirks before whispering into his ear; her warm breath coating his ear as she does. “Are you gonna fuck me now, baby?”  
  
He kisses her softly as a loud contrast to her vulgar choice of words, but that’s the last gentle thing he does. Their kisses turn desperate and sloppy fast, while his clothes get disregarded in record time; they barely part enough to get his briefs off, but when they finally manage, he flips them so she’s on her back and he’s in between her legs again.  
  
“You ready, baby?” His cock is leaking pre-cum, he’s sure he’s never been this hard in his life and when she nods and tells him to do it already, it’s like the air rushes back into his chest while he takes hers away with one smooth stroke.  
  
“Fuck yes.”

The words leave her lips automatically as she works her hips to draw him in further. He’s buried so deep inside of her it becomes a struggle to not come instantly. His facial muscles strain as he tries to rein himself in. “Jesus Christ.”  
  
He’s always known that their first time would be something unlike anything he’s experienced before, but the way she clings to him while gently stroking his scalp with her fingernails, erases all previous encounters from his brain; this is the only thing that’s felt right, way past the physical aspect of sex.  
  
He cries out for her again when all the sudden her hands cup his face, nipping at his lower lip before kissing him softly, her tongue tangling with his as she turns the most intimate moment of his life into something much more spiritual.  
  
They’re getting lost in their kiss, but his hips never stop moving and he feels her walls fluttering around him before her breath stutters and she’s grinding into him more desperately. With her clenching around him, it doesn’t take him long to release into her, collapsing on top of her when it’s all over.  
  
“My god.” She breathes.

Her skin is still covered in goosebumps and he manoeuvres them both under the covers, in an attempt to calm her down and subconsciously to make her stay; somehow not convinced anything this good, can be his to hold.  
  
“You’re good at that.” He drawls playfully. “Really fucking good.”  
  
She gives him an almost shy expression that goes straight to cock his again. “I think we’re good at that together.” She says eventually.  
  
He’s surprised when she moves into his arms, her face in his neck while her arms wrap around him tightly, almost as if he expected her to do the opposite; move away from him after realizing how close she let him be just minutes ago.

She seems to pick up on his hesitation.  
  
“Do you not want me to…”, she doesn’t finish her sentence, just looks at him with a scared expression on her face and he figures out in that moment how they’ve both been scarred in similar ways.  
  
She starts to pull away when his arms tighten around her, to keep her in place.

“No, Gwen. Stay. _Please_.”  
  
Her gaze lingers on him for several moments before he finds the courage to speak. “She used to turn away from me after sex. Like it was some sort of mistake she found herself making every night.”  
  
The words seem to resonate within her, but for the first time she doesn’t seem like wanting to share, she just gives him a sympathetic look while clinging to him tightly, showing her support that way.

“Nothing has ever been like this for me, Gwen. I just don’t ever want you to look at me and think you made a bad decision. Please don’t ever let me be that.” He swallows roughly; he didn’t intend to go there now of all times, but his insecurities had a way of resurfacing at times where he had no control over.  
  
Instead of making him feel stupid for his emotions, she pulls his face closer to hers, resting her forehead against his.

“You”, she kisses his lips, “Can never be a bad decision.” She says before looking him in the eye, making sure he’s hearing every bit of what she’s trying to convey. 

“I don’t want you to have any regrets, that’s all.” He retorts.  
  
“I won’t regret you. I could never regret you.”  
  
When he kisses her afterwards, it’s a sealing of a promise of some sorts. A silent promise to forever share his truths with her, knowing that promises she makes in the dark will still stand their ground during the day.

It’s a trust he can revel in and so he does.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy chapter to write, but it will give you a little more insight on the both of them.

He wakes to her soft skin pressing into his chest, the morning light trickling through the blinds, shedding the remaining glimpses of a dream. If he didn’t know better, he’d say he’s still dreaming as he soaks in the sight of Gwen sleeping against him. 

The universe sure works in funny ways; breaking him down to the core, just to hand him the biggest blessing in life. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and facing truths he didn’t think he would so soon, but it’s been worth every moment of it. The picture of her arm draped loosely around his waist, her body pressed to his and her hair sprayed freely across her pillow, has him wishing he could freeze time and keep them there forever. The images of last night playing vividly in his brain; her skin so soft and smooth against his, his fingers mapping the contours of her body while she arched into him, giving herself to him in a way he could’ve only dreamed about, - both of their undoing’s always simmering just beneath the surface. 

The feelings of things being too good to be true once again demanded attention and he tried to ignore the rising insecurities unifying low in his stomach, the thought of losing her an unbearable one that caused him to cradle her even closer, eventually waking her up. 

Her eyes opened as she seemed to slowly recognise where she was and what happened the night before. At least, that’s how he translates the shy smile she’s giving him. 

“Hi.”

Her morning voice was low and hoarse, enough to make him want to move in on her and have her cry out his name some more. 

“Morning, pretty girl.”

She rolls into him a bit more, her hand moving up his chest gently. “You exhausted me last night, Blakey.”

The sexual reference paired with the innocent sounding nickname, has him softly chuckling to himself, his grip on her tightening in response.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He smiles.

“It is.” She says matter of factly.

She uses her arm to pull herself closer against him, her head coming up to lay in the crook of his neck. It’s so natural, his mind has trouble comprehending the ease of it, causing him to stiffen up. 

She looks up at him frowning. “What’s wrong?”

His lips twitch in response. “There’s really no keeping anything from you.” 

He chuckles lowly, but the chaos going on inside of him causing his whole body to tense up, gives his heavy mood away, despite his outer light demeanour. He fidgets with the covers, desperately trying to keep himself occupied. 

“Blake, look at me.” When their eyes finally meet, he sees a fear and an uncomfortable familiar look of brokenness reflected in her eyes. “What’s going on right now?”

“I’m not used to do this. I don’t know how to do this anymore, Gwen.”

She squeezes his shoulder in acknowledgement. “You’re doing pretty great to me.”

“Maybe you’re still a little sex-dazed.” He shrugs off.

Her eyes widen in disbelief as she finally creates some distance between their naked bodies under the covers.

“ _Wow_. You can fuck me but you still don’t trust me.”

There’s an urgency to his voice when he speaks next, a desperation that belongs to people who feel like they’re about to lose everything that matters. “Gwen, Jesus Christ. That’s not how it is.”

She huffs unimpressed. “Then how is it? And please don’t give me any cryptic crap. Tell me how it is, I think I deserve that much.” 

The anger in her voice is palpable and unfamiliar and it unsettled him deeply.

“I trust you. I trust you, Gwen. I need you to know that.”

“Then really talk to me. Stop pushing me away cause it’s easier.”

His heart is beating out of his chest and he wonders how much of the thoughts going on in his brain are valid to hold on to. 

“You want the truth, I’m a mess Gwen! A broken mess and you’re going through your own heaviness, and I just can’t stop thinking that I’ll make it worse. I’ll make  _you_  worse...” 

“You gotta stop thinking that two people have to be perfect to work.” 

“This won’t be easy.” He says more to himself than to her. 

“So you only want this when it’s easy.” She breathes. “Is that what you think of me? _Of this_.” She says waving between them. “This was easy and now you got it and you’re done. The thrill is gone.”

“You’re working hard at my character assassination this morning.”

“And you’re working hard to find wrongs in places where it’s just right.” 

He clears his throat, her accusation hurting him more than he lets on. “I don’t want to get used to this if you’re not planning on staying.”

“Damnit, Blake! I  _am_  planning on staying”, she exclaims. Then after a long pause. “Do you even want me to?”

“What kind of question is that? You think I freak out like this with everyone after a morning after?” 

She carefully closes some of the distance at his words, but purposely doesn’t close it entirely. 

“I want you. I’ve told you that from the beginning and nothing has changed. I want to do this at your pace too, nothing has changed about that either. But I can’t keep convincing you of this if you’re set on sabotaging this.” Her eyes scan his face confidently, the sudden strength and determination she exudes enough to thoroughly intimidate him, yet calm some of those unsettling feelings in his stomach. 

“I want this too.” He almost whispers. “More than I’ve wanted anything in a very long time.” 

“You’re scared. I get that.”

“I’m sorry.”

She places a soft kiss on his stubble. “Don’t be sorry. Just keep being honest with me.”

He nods in understanding, confirming her demand with conviction. He feels guilty about the many hurdles he encounters on his path of healing and giving himself to her completely, but the way she looks at him and touches him still, makes him believe that maybe there’s a silver lining after all.

“I’m going to be visiting my brother and sister in law today. It’s been a while and I’ve spent all of my time here or with you these last couple of weeks and it’s ---,”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Gwen.” He says sweetly while pulling her discretely back against him, his hands rubbing up and down her back. “I guess I have been keeping you away from people for a while.” He grins.

She lets out a soft sigh as she clings to him tighter. “It’s going to be weird not spending the day together.” She says half-jokingly.

“I was thinking about hanging out with Adam for a while anyways. He’s been busting my chops over not visiting him often enough lately.”

He has told her about his friend, - and how he’s the only one who’s truly stuck by his side throughout it all-, before. She also knows that he’s a big reason as to why Blake’s still here and when he gets passed some more invisible boundaries that hold him back, he thinks he might explain to her exactly how true that statement is.

“I’m glad you’re seeing him today, baby.”

She kisses him softly, before pulling away and making her way out of bed, getting dressed and reminding him of having to do the same.

“I’ll see you tonight, right?”

He smiles at the hopeful tone he detects; affected by how mutual this all seems.

“I’m counting on it.”

 

 

The drive to Adam’s place doesn’t take more than thirty minutes; it’s a drive he’s made hundreds of times, but lately hasn’t been making enough. He has the tendency of shutting himself off from the outside world; the sky usually holds nothing but the promise of more storms and he’s better off dealing with those in the comfort of his own home. But now the skies seemed to be clearing and as much as he’d enjoyed living in that bubble that solely was about him and Gwen, he can’t deny his friend’s presence was something of great importance.

“What’s been up with you, dude?” 

His friend’s tone isn’t accusatory, more like curiosity-filled, probably sensing the shift in his mood and behaviour, so he decides to answer truthfully. “A lot.” 

“No shit.” His friend retorts. “Care to tell me about it? I didn’t invite you over for drinks for nothing, you know?” 

He laughs under his breath and shakes his head a little.  “Remember when I told ya how I met someone?” It almost feels weird talking about this to an outsider, afraid he might jinx whatever good thing they have going here, but at the same time he’s ready to talk about his happiness for once. “Things are getting pretty serious, man. I can’t even wrap my head around how it happened, but I love her.”

His friend nearly chokes on his drink, eying him like he just grew two heads. “Dude…”

“Adam, trust me. I  _know_.” He emphasises. 

He makes his way to the kitchen, - Adam’s house the second most familiar place besides his own-, and opens one of the cabinets to fix himself something quick to eat. Talking about his relationship with Gwen is a relief of some sorts, but it also makes him fidgety nervous. He’s not sure if he believes in a heaven, he feels like the closest he might get to that place, is when she’s with him, - and that’s not a small revelation to come to, let alone to talk about.

“So who is this person? When am I meeting her?” Adam asks, pretty much unable to contain himself. 

“Are you kidding me?” Blake smirks. “I just told you I loved the girl, I don’t wanna scare her off. I’m gonna hide your ass from her as long as possible.” 

“You’re evil.”

Blake makes his way back to the couch where his friend is sitting, shooting him a knowing grin. “I might not have a choice”, he says after a while. “She wants to meet you...”

Adam’s eyebrows practically fly into his hairline at that. “You told her about me?”

“It came up.” He shrugs it off.

Adam’s gaze narrows on him imperceptibly, but obviously waits for Blake to elaborate. It’s a conversation he’s not keen on having right now, but he doesn’t blame his friend for wanting to go there regardless.

“I haven’t told her about  _that_  yet.” He starts carefully. “She knows I’ve stayed at your place for a while, that I really didn’t have it together, she knows most of it, just not….”

“… _That_.” His friend finishes for him. 

He nods in acknowledgement. 

It’s a part of his past he’s still trying to come to terms with. Growing closer to Gwen meant sharing parts of it; her loving and patient words made it easier for him to do so. He’ll never forget the way she held him after he told her he nearly drank himself to death after his divorce, like she wanted to protect him from all the horrors the world had to offer. He remembers how she had pulled him back into her embrace after he tried to break away, not used to being allowed to be vulnerable like that. He remembers how she had cried tears of gratitude for Adam after he told her he took him in to his house for a while.

He felt like he had pressed his luck enough that night, so decided to not spew everything on her all at once. 

“You don’t think she’ll understand?” Adam asks then, disturbing the loud silence.

“She will.” Blake begins, but finds he has to clear his throat. “She has her own demons.”

“Don’t we all?”

“I suppose.” 

She deserves more than the thought that she would ever judge him; he knows she wouldn’t. The ones who do are still wading in the waters of their childhood, stunting their own intelligence, - that’s not Gwen.

What is Gwen, is an incredibly strong person who will protect and nurture no matter what the situation and that’s something he can’t ask from her. Maybe it’s the fear of letting someone do that for him, not sure if he’d be able to handle it all, or maybe it’s because he’s scared he’ll drain her until she has nothing left to give. 

“Not everyone leaves at the slightest detection of damage, you know?” Adam’s serious tone surprises both himself and Blake. 

“Christ Adam, do we really need to talk about this now? I tell you I’m happy with someone and you turn it into this crap.”

Any other person probably would’ve been offended at his aggressive manner of speaking, but his friend just looks at him unimpressed.

“You’re gonna snap at her like that too when she asks about it one day?”

That makes him freeze. “She won’t.”

“Wouldn’t that be convenient.”

He suddenly feels the urge to run back to one of Adam’s cabinets, where he knows he keeps his liquors, to drown himself in the familiar burn that he’s come to love, instead of the burn Adam’s words provide. It’s an addict urge to have and so he tries to ignore it to the best of his abilities. 

_He doesn’t want to let her down._

“She lost her baby.” He whispers hoarsely. Adam seems visibly affected by his words and keeps quiet for the first time that night. “She deals with it. Most days she’s alright, but she’ll let herself live in darkness for a couple of days when she needs to. She’s strong like that.”

Adam hums. “Does it hurt?” 

He frowns as he lets the question sink in. “Sometimes. Being around her forces me to feel things I’m not always comfortable with, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You usually don’t talk about this.”

“What are you talking about, you’ve made me talk about this a thousand times...” 

“And you always shut down when I do.” His friend shoots back.

“I appreciate you, you know? For everything you’ve done for me. I thought I should tell you.” 

It’s not quite the answer to Adam’s previous statement, but it’s something he needed to get off his chest. “I’m just looking out for you, man.”

There was a quietness between them that wasn’t awkward, but it was vulnerable; something Blake might hate more than anything else. Yet, the conversation they just had was a necessary one, just like the one he had earlier with Gwen.

The rest of the night was spent by their usual chatter and banter that was way too easy to fall into. For the life of him, he’ll never understand how or why they’ve gotten as close as they are now; they couldn’t be more different. But he’s known Adam since childhood and they’ve always shared a mutual respect and understanding for each other. Like the swearing of an oath, they’ve been there for each other throughout all these years, Adam being a place of unconditional acceptance for him.

When he finally decides to head back home, hopefully meeting Gwen there soon, he only has to deal with so much teasing before his friend finally lets him go.

 

 

 

He’s barely out of his car when he spots her sitting on his front porch. The way she’s slumped over with one of her hands tangled up in her blonde locks catches his attention immediately.

“Gwen baby? You’re okay?” He asks while approaching carefully.

He swallows while taking her in once more now he’s closer in proximity; her eyes are closed as she tries to focus on her breathing and he can tell she’s bottling something up inside, to the point where it’s almost painful to look at.

“Can you stand up? Come on, let’s get you inside.”

That seems to get her attention as she starts to slowly stand up, both of her hands reaching out for him, almost like she needs him to steady her. Maybe she does.

He leads them inside and waits for her to make her way to the living room, but instead she stays put, standing with her back against his door, avoiding eye contact in a way she never does. It’s frightening to see her like this, but he knows that whatever is going on, she needs him to be strong for her.

Just as he’s about to say something, she cuts him off. “There’s a reason I don’t go over there much”, she nearly whispers, her voice sounding as broken as she looks. “They’re so happy, their two kids are such precious angels.”

 _Their kids_. It suddenly hits him what this is about.

“I’m not jealous.” She adds like she’s being attacked.  

The grief surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by her long intakes of air.

He knows how it feels to have emptiness in your heart and he relates to the many tears flowing from her eyes, the shear nothingness that threatened to engulf him entirely also a battle she’s facing and tonight she’s losing. Her knees buckle as she sinks on her knees in front of him and there’s nothing he can do to prevent his own heart from cracking at the sight.

Dealing with his own grief and sadness is familiar territory, but helping someone else with theirs is not. He’s never seen her like this either, she’s cried in front of him before, even talked about her loss in detail, but these gut-wrenching tears that threaten to steal whatever joy is left, is something he can barely stand to look at when it’s her.

After a while, he sinks to his knees besides her, his arming carefully coming around her heaving frame, wrapping her up. Her initial reaction is to stiffen and pull away, but her internal struggle seems to be too heavy to continue her outer one. She falls into his chest, unable to do anything else than cling to him as he watches the pieces of her heart pouring out like one of the most expensive whiskeys. 

When her breathing sounds to even out a bit more, he decides to speak up reluctantly. “Gwen...?”

Her little fist tightens at the front of his shirt, the only indication she even heard his voice.

“Gwen, I need you to talk to me.” He starts again, more determined this time. “This sadness will swallow you if you don’t.”

Its wisdom gained from experience; he hasn’t talked about his own feelings enough and although he’s making progress with her in his life, there’s still a lingering darkness he isn’t capable to express. She’s different, always has been, and he feels a strange responsibility to help her protect that. 

“I lost her.”  Her voice is hoarse and broken when she speaks, the sound nearly excruciating. 

“You did.” He whispers sympathetically, tightening his grip on her subconsciously.

Her whole body was trembling and shaking against his as he felt her breathe in sharply.

“I don’t know what to do sometimes.” She admits.

“Sometimes I randomly imagine what he or she would look like. I get lost in that image for a while and it calms me.”

The admission hangs in the air for what feels like minutes, no one uttering a word. When she looks up at him, he can see her jaw clenching as she swallows roughly.

“Yeah”, she whispers, “That’s nice to do sometimes.”

He offers her a sad smile. “She would’ve been beautiful.”

She pulls away from him a little bit, to sit upright by herself as her small hands fumble around for his, her head resting on his shoulder.

“She would’ve been."

He wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her close again, gently rubbing her arm. Despite the heaviness of the moment, there was a familiar light there at the feeling of her body pressed against his. She sinks even further into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. Their touch makes the room warmer somehow, the future within its walls seeming a little less bleak because of it.

They sit like that until they both get uncomfortable and he speaks up. “Hey baby, how about we just call it a night, lay down together, how does that sound?”

He leads them to his room where she heads straight for bed, burying herself in the covers. Blake stripped down to his undershirt and boxers before climbing in next to her, scooting up behind her, pulling her back into his chest and draping an arm protectively around her waist.

He can’t take away any of the pain that washes over her tonight, but he can hold her and make sure she knows he’s here to share all that she’s feeling. Unexpectedly, she turns around in his arms, resting one hand on his chest, directly over his heart. The sudden emotional move not so much surprising him as it makes him admire her more. He buries his face in her hair and gently kisses the top of her head. He will never say that seeing her like this makes him love her more, - because he wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone-, but her allowing him to see her like this, while her walls were up in shambles, makes him admire her complexity and strength even more. Although this is the darker aspect of her personality, the pure depth of her emotions only seems to intensify his feelings for her.

“I love you, Gwen.” He whispers against her neck. “And I’m here.”

 And that’s something he’ll never take for granted again.

 

 

 

 

-


	7. Chapter 7

It’s that feeling of constant heaviness that he wants to spare her; Gwen reminds him of the most florescent colours, unleashed onto the world to find an untouched canvas to leave her mark on. It’s also this feeling that has him stuck in his own head, unable to freely give himself to her. He’s not like her, won’t ever be like her and as much as he gains from having her around, he can’t ever be selfish with her; she deserves that outpouring of positive energy right back and that’s a quality he’s scared he might not possess.

When she wakes, her own mood seems slightly dim compared to most days, the emotions of the previous night pressing down on her still.

“I made some coffee. There’s still left If you want some.”

He receives a small but genuine smile before she retreats into his kitchen, appearing back into his view minutes later with a warm cup pressed between both hands. She’s wearing simple sweatpants and a tiny t-shirt, her hair falling messily around her face, no traces of make-up and she looks absolutely magnificent.

“Everything okay?” She asks a bit timid. “You’re looking at me like something’s wrong.”

Her way of asking did him in, her fragile state only more emphasised by the tone of her voice.

“Nothing’s wrong, babe.” He said softly, but she didn’t seem convinced. “I’m just a little bit worried. Are you okay?”

Her gaze went from his face to the substance in her cup, momentarily shutting everything out before coming back to him.

“I’m very tired.” She admitted with a weak shrug.

His only response was a nod, silently telling her that he knows what she’s referring to and won’t press the issue until she does. When he motions for her to come sit next to him, she does so immediately, cradling into the side of his body carefully.

“It overwhelms me sometimes when you don’t leave.” She says so softly he almost misses it. “He’d never stay, especially when things got rough and you, as scared as you may be, have never left my side in times like this and that’s crazy, Blake.”

His fingers find hers so they can tangle with her unoccupied hand. “I made you a promise. intent on keeping it.”

“Promises get broken all the time though.”

He utters a “ _hmph_ ” at her statement, the truth of it hitting him hard. “It all depends on who makes the promise, anyway.”

She nods but doesn’t look at him, just continues to fumble around with his fingers in her lap. It’s a quietness he can bask in without feeling awkward and he’s thankful for that in so many ways. It’s a confidence that no matter how crazy the world gets, there’s a solace to be found here with Gwen; he just hopes she feels the same way.

Like it’s rehearsed, timed to perfection, she squeezes his hand supportively, shaking her head in disbelief.   

“Thank you, Blake.” Her thumb came to stroke his cheek a couple of times before reaching for his hand to place a quick kiss on the top.

She seems to get lost in thought for a while, desperate for a memory, a good, warm, welcoming one she could smile to.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Ofcourse.” She says softly.

“I believe in moments of impact.” He starts slowly. “Not necessary crazy, big ones, just moments that define what something is going to be. I used to think meeting you that night in the bar was our moment of impact, the moment I realized things were going to be different, but now I realize that wasn’t it.” 

She arches her brow in confusion. “It wasn’t?”

“No.” He says adamantly. “Our moment was when you made me take you somewhere and I did.”

“Why?”

“Because that was the moment I realized we were both human; you showed me your heart that night while not knowing the first thing about me. No one had ever done that for me before.” He feels himself shudder at the pure honesty dripping from every syllable. “I knew I was going to love you then.”

“Blake…...”

“I don’t expect you to be fine all the time. I don’t need you perfect.”

It takes about a second or two for his words to sink in, as the corners of her lips turn upward and her eyebrows arch for the sky. The cup of –now cold- coffee is sat on the small table in front of them, before she straddles his legs, pushing herself closer against him, her arms finding their way around him.

He feels her hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of her lips, burning as they make contact with his skin. Her hand runs through his hair as her kisses become harder and unmistakably more urgent. He uses the hand on her back to pull her closer against his body; her flowery scent flying up his nostrils, as her kisses variate from his neck to the broad of his shoulders.

“I love you”, she breathes as she nibbles on his earlobe, his hands rough on her hips.

What he really wants to do, is position them so she’s underneath him, leaving gentle marks on her stomach, breast and neck, watching the anticipation rise within her while her legs fall open and her hips tilt up like he knows they will, but he knows she won’t be able to stay for long and long is exactly how much time he needs for what he has planned for her. He reluctantly slows their movements, the hint causing Gwen to pause against his cheek, her breath coming out in stutters.

“Don’t do this to me.” She whispers all needy and frustrated, tugging on his last glimpses of self-control.

His hands tighten around her hips again, the vulnerable rawness she exudes from him enough to make him groan. “I wanna do this right.”

“Then do this _right_.” She emphasizes on that last word by grinding down onto his lap fiercely, knocking the air straight out of his lungs.

“Fuck Gwen.”                     

Every movement was made with intention; she was dangerous in the sense that everything else ceased to exist when she was close and the newfound power she knew she had over him was put to great use in moments like these.

He moves with her a couple more times, but more to ease her off him than help her reach completion, and she seems to appreciate the gesture, - as much as she can. He knows he’s an idiot, the sight of Gwen whiting on top of him is something he can’t begin to fathom, but that’s also why he will hold out until he’s sure he can give her his full time and attention; anything less wouldn’t be right. Especially not now.

“If you weren’t so cute just minutes ago, I totally would’ve been annoyed at this.” She says playfully, her liquid brown eyes piercing into his soul as she speaks.

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I just don’t want to rush this.”

His words don’t quite match up with his body yet, and scared of what he might imply, he ushers her off his lap, imitating their previous position on the couch, his breath still coming up short.

“I was serious by the way, Blake.” She says leaning against his arm. “You make things easier.”

Little did he know that sentence would haunt him for the next couple of nights. She had left after that morning, needing to do some things for work alongside some personal family meetings she had to attend to and as much as he’s missing her already, the alone time probably was for the best; his mood hanging on by a thread.

His earlier conversation with Adam got harder to ignore with the minute and that’s something he’s not quick to come to terms with. It’s not that he wants to have any secrets from her, - quite the opposite, but he’s not been granted with the permission to be emotional often, especially not by the women he has loved, the dark pages of his past ones that he doesn’t read back, nor to himself or others.

There are chapters that much feel like demons in his life, the ones that hold onto him so tightly sometimes, they squeeze the air out of him, yet these new beginnings seemingly have gotten tired of suffocating him, their clutches finally numbing. The fear of love being the same way, nearly paralyzing; when it gets to its strongest, it weakens and eventually lets go.

 

 

 

His night was uneventful in many ways and the silence he craved so much earlier has done a number on his state of mind; his thoughts running away from him and the fear of losing her growing with every passing minute. It’s a cruel thing to want someone this much; there are no guarantees when it comes to love, the only thing that’s certain is that it can break your heart, and break his heart it will. 

In the next moment, his phone lights up with her name and the smile that forms on his lips is an instant reaction he can’t stop. She’s an addiction he has no interest in kicking. 

“Hi babe.” His voice was soft and gentle, not quite sure what her mood was going to be, all things considered.

Luckily, she seems to have managed to pull herself out of that funk again, her smile wide as ever as she greets him.

“Baby! I miss you.”

He chuckles at her excitement, it’s adorable as it’s sexy; her feelings always out in the open.

“Then come back to me.” He says playfully, but there’s a hint of something else that she detects immediately.

“God baby, you know I would if I could”, she sighs. A small pout forms on her lips and he hates how he’s not there to kiss it away. “You do know that, right?”

“I know. I’m just being needy.” He laughs but there’s a layer of insecurity there that’s all too real.

She adjusts the phone in her hand while walking into her bathroom, a place with many shared memories that have his mind flying to every single one. She places the phone on the vanity in front of her, while leaning over it, giving him a view that makes it hard for him to remain eye-contact. 

“You’re being cute.” She finally addresses his earlier statement, completely dismissing any negative association he might have with being needy. “Like really fucking cute.”

His eyes glimmer with something feeling a lot like hope. “And this is how you repay me?” 

She bites her lip wickedly, but plays dumb nonetheless. “What do you mean?”

She pushes her chest forward, causing some of the robe to hang lower, exposing enough skin to get the imagination going, but not enough to actually see anything. 

Shaking his head at her audacity and non-expected playfulness, his hand tightens around his phone while his eyes never stray from hers. She’s driving him crazy and he knows she knows it, but she obviously wants to play and he’s never one to give in easily.

“Nothing, never mind.” He deadpans. 

He can see the disappointment in her face, but gives her props for maintaining her composure. “Want me to tell you about my day then?”

His throat felt dry, the effect she’s having on him palpable in every way, yet this was a game he considered himself good at.

“Please.”

She bites her lip at the intensity of the moment, but that’s the only clue she lets shimmer through.

“I visited my parents. They want to organize this big party in honour of Todd and Jen’s anniversary, which I think is super sweet, but you haven’t met my family yet, - planning  _anything_  is complete chaos. We’re totally this stereotypical Italian family.”

“How long they’re married for?”

“Coming up on eight years.”

Now it’s his turn to bite his lip. “That’s quite the accomplishment.”

“ _Yeah_.” She seems to drift off somewhere there and he wants desperately to bring her back. “I’d say. I mean marriage brings out different sides of people.”

That’s a statement he can’t disagree with.

“Would you do it again?” She asks then.

His eyebrows fly up, the question not one he expected to say the least. “Get married?”

She doesn’t say anything, just nods and looks expectedly into the camera, his throat drying up at the sight.

“I would.”

The way that sigh of relief leaves her lips is the prettiest thing he’s ever seen, which is also why he can’t go into this subject any further, as he decides to bring it back to her family.

“I’d love to meet them some day.” He blurts out.

“You should come with me!”

“To their anniversary party?” 

He can’t remember the last time he went to meet a girl’s family for the first time, and it’s paired with nerves that feel unfamiliar to him now.

“Yes. I mean I don’t want to push you, but I’d love to introduce you to them, you know?”

In his building anxiety, he constructs elaborate rationalizations for why everything will turn out alright, but still the nagging voice in the back of his mind speaks of much less hopefulness. The too-long lasting silence on his part, seems to fuel Gwen’s insecurities as she starts to backtrack.

“God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you this quick, I just thought I should include you in this because they’re my family and we’re kind of exclusive and I want you to know I want you to meet them, but if it’s too soon I totally get it. I’m sorry.” Her rambling was too fast for him to even interrupt, as she seems to be catching her breath as soon as she gets it all out. 

“Gwen, I’d love to meet them. I just got a bit nervous, but I’m excited you even want me there.” 

"You are?” Her whole face lights up as she speaks and god, it should be a crime he’s not with her right now. “

“Yeah.” He whispers, his eyes never straying from hers, turning up the intensity levels once again. 

His desire for her is pouring out in every single way, he’s not even trying to be subtle; It had always been written in their gaze, a chemistry, a seed of love, an invitation of sorts.

"Do you want me right now, Blake?”

Her voice is pure seduction, accompanied by the knowing look on her face.

“I always want you.” He answers honestly.

Her hand reaches inside the soft fabric of her robe, sliding it slowly down her shoulders until she’s millimetres away from exposing her breast. Blake’s eyes are glued to the demonstrations she’s giving, not wanting to push her too far, but also not wanting to stop her too quickly. Just to reward his patience, she flashes him quickly, adjusting the robe back to its normal fitting, laughing at his pained grunts.

“Jesus Christ woman.”

“That’s all you get for now.” She smiles.

From the outside, she seems perfectly in control, but he knows the want and longing she feels is just as overwhelming for her as it is for him and he makes sure she doesn’t forget it, - especially not after her little stunt just now.

“You wanna know what I’d do if I were there with you right now?” His voice sounds low and husky, the arousal apparent.

“Blake don’t...”

“.... I’d make you wait till you’re out of your damn mind with want and when I think you’ve had enough, _on my terms._..”, he leans forward into the screen, as if somehow that makes it more intimate, “...I’d fuck you.”

He says the words so bluntly it pulls a small gasp out of her and he wets his lips at the sound, the knowledge that he’s got her hot and bothered the only thing that’ll make him get through this night. 

“Oh my god, Blake.” She whispers in shock, almost like they’re about to get caught; her sudden innocence turning him on even more.

"That’s what you get for being a damn tease.”

She smiles before shaking her head slowly and he smiles at the obvious discomfort she’s in, her need for him growing right in front of him. 

“I should try to get some sleep now.” She says weakly. “So should you.” 

As much as he’d love to keep her on the line all night, he knows she’s right and the yawn that escapes her on cue only further proves her point. 

“I love you.”

“Sweet dreams, Gwen.”

 

 

The long shadows of the evening dissolved into the gathering darkness of the night time. The air cooled and the only warmth he felt the one she was providing; it’s both familiar and terrifying, - a combination that sums up love for him like no other.

Her hands travel from his bicep down to his hand, until she’s able to intertwine their fingers. She’s gotten here no less than ten minutes ago, these last two days without her being filled with revelations and truths. He’s too deep in thought to register the moment she squirms out of his grasp, moving away from the couch to where his LP’s are; the room filling with soft guitar strings and gentle vocals only minutes after.

“It’s been tempting me since I got here.”

She says the words while making her way back to him, lifting his arm up so she can sneak back to her position next to him, his arm wrapped protectively around her again. The moment, now intensified with some of his favorite music, is almost perfect; a word he no longer strays from.

“That’s what they’re here for.” He smiles.

Something about the notes of this particular song relaxes him and the lyrics swim through his cerebral cortex like a wakeful dream. 

“You used to play, right?” She hums softly, a shy frown appearing on his face. 

She nods towards the guitar at the wall across them and he shakes his head dismissively. “Not really.”

She looks at him incredulously and he knows she’s not one to let him downplay any of his talents or abilities, but the memories attached to that instrument are all part of a life he doesn’t associate with anymore.

“Why haven’t you played for me yet?”

"Cause I don’t, Gwen.” His voice is soft and gentle, but there’s a hardness there that he can only hope she interprets as a plea. 

Her hands move to his face, pulling him dangerously close to her lips. “Did she teach you how to play?”

There was no need for her to elaborate on who she was referring to. “No. But it’s something we liked to do together.” 

“Is that why you gave it up?”

There were a lot of reasons for his dismissal of the guitar, but most of them sounding too scrambled in his mind to say out loud. It varied from his past marriage all the way back to the early years of his childhood, memories of his parents losing their fight with love, - tainting his perception of what love should be at a way too young age, the disapproval and tough-love concept his father raised him with, soothed by the gentle chords of guitar-playing; it’s been a way of surviving for too long and he can’t live like that anymore; afraid picking it up will only fuel his tendency of co-dependency on everything that brings him warmth in an often too cold reality. 

Out of every thought that’s clouding his brain, it’s “I guess I just outgrew it”, that leaves his lips.

The way she’s looking at him next reminds him of the way his mom does whenever she’s questioning his integrity. 

“So why did you keep it?”

“You never kept something you probably should’ve gotten rid of?”

Internally he retracts the words as soon as he speaks them, but it’s too late, the words already floating in between them and he watches her carefully as she takes them in.

“Something has been bugging you for a while now. Is it me? Was my breakdown earlier too much too soon? You can be honest, I promise.”

Without thinking he pulls himself up, his back no longer leaning against the back of the couch, his body turning her way. “Gwen, don’t even say that.”

“It’s a lot, I know that.”

He shakes his head furiously. “Gwen...”

“On days where it gets really bad, it’s like it’s suffocating me from the inside out and I can’t imagine how that most look from the outside. I wish you wouldn’t have to see that.”

Something inside of him twists painfully at the tone of which she said it; like she’s had to give that little speech countless times before. 

His hand rubs over his face, lingering over his mouth, before breathing out his next words.

“You’re so far off right now...”

Her face wrinkles in confusion, the pieces of the puzzle not connecting at all. “I don’t understand.” She says softly. 

This is the moment he’s been dreading all along; his palms feel clammy and his heart rate skyrockets, the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness heavily present; she’s either gonna walk or not and he won’t have any say in it whatsoever.

“We all have darkness’s, Gwen. I for sure do.”

She sits up on her knees, gently placing a kiss on his cheek before looking at him knowingly. “You’re right. And that’s okay.”

“What if it isn’t?”

He watches her religiously, scared of her answer but also dying to hear it.

“Is this about Miranda and her.... -“

“- It’s not.” He interrupts quickly, not wanting her to finish that thought. “I mean, it might be connected, but that’s not it.”

“Okay, so what is it?” Her voice drips of patience, but her body betrays her; she bites her lip nervously as he can almost hear the thud of her heartbeat over the music-filled living room. “Blake, tell me.”

“I want you to meet Adam.” He blurs out, his voice not nowhere as weak as he feels. “I.... it’s important to me that you meet him, since you two are the most important people in my life.”

Not quite knowing where he was going with this, she nods her head in semi-understanding. “Okay.” 

“And I need to explain to you why.” He continues.

She nods again, this time a little less confident. 

“I’ve told you this before, but after my divorce I indulged in quite a bit of alcohol therapy, no one really seemed to know how to help me, I didn’t want them to either, but Adam, he....” The flood of emotions that come with digging up these memories takes him by surprise, his voice wavering under the strain of it. “He took me in, he wouldn’t even give me a choice.”

“It saved you.” She whispers.

He blinked but did not look away. “I didn’t feel like I had anything else to offer, y’know? I was just tired, tired of feeling tired.”

He can tell she’s contemplating on asking him something, but thinks better of it. Instead of giving her permission to ask anyways, he feels the silent gap with more of his own story, hopefully taking away any sort of question she might have. “Going out was my form of putting other people’s worries at rest and self-medicating. It was perfect for a while.”

“But something made you stop?”

His gaze snaps back to hers. “I took it too far one night. Adam stepped in, wouldn’t let me out of his sight for a while. I felt like a damn child, but I can’t sit here and say it didn’t save my life.”

He can see the way her eyes fill up with water, her body slouching even closer against him and he isn’t sure if that’s for him or herself, but whatever the reason, he’s grateful.

“Do you wanna tell me about it?”

“I do.”

“…. But?”

“You should know by now that I’m not exactly the poster boy for expressing feelings.” He self-deprecates in that way he’s gotten way too accustomed to over the years.

She moves slightly, her hand moving over his thigh, gripping him tight enough to demand his attention. “I also know you’ve been really making an effort. I don’t take that lightly.”

Out of all the things that weigh him down, the thought of his real self never being enough might be the biggest one. It’s one thing for the lights to go out, the people to disappear, but to feel the same with all the lights still on, despite all the people around to distract, that’s what chains him to his own darkness.

Her words are enough to cut his personal restrictions and then he’s talking.

“In the beginning of our marriage it’d be hard to leave for the store without someone wanting to tag along and then before I knew it, we’d struggle to make the best of ten minutes together. It was fucking bullshit, Gwen. On top of that, I had to come to terms with the fact she took away the one thing I wanted most……I just, none of that sounded like a world I could ever possibly be happy in.”

Her grip on his leg increased and it was the only thing grounding him in the moment, a necessary constant, a crucial one for him to finish his story. “At first I’d just hide away at home, drinking, sleeping, not talking to anyone, until people started to worry.” He shook his head at the memories, silent tears clouding his view, the hand on his leg blurring. “I started going out, putting people’s minds at ease; I was socializing again and you won’t believe how many people found comfort in that.”

“Weren’t you tired of putting up a front?” Her tone is gentle, but her grip on him still firm.

“ _I was_. That’s why the last time I went out with them, I wasn’t planning on making it back home.” He wants desperately to make his truth sound prettier, but there’s no disguising the raw feelings he’s in the middle of revealing and he hopes his eyes tell her everything his heart can’t. “Adam was there, we went out with a bunch of guys, getting drunk off our asses. Everyone took an Uber home and I told them not to wait on me, because I was planning on staying behind. I was never planning on calling anyone though. I was going to drive until…... _until I wasn’t._ ”

It’s a rarely spoken truth, one only he and Adam know about.

They fell into silence for a while, the music coincidently switching to a slower melody, the only sound to be heard Gwen’s silent sniffing.

“Adam….”, she whispers hoarsely.

“He never left.”

He wants to say something, but he also knows he owes it to her to give her some time to comprehend what he’s telling her, the rapid rising and falling of her chest and accompanied sniffles enough indication she needs it.

“You were going to……And he waited. _He knew_.”

He hears out here scrambled whispers, nodding embarrassedly at the accuracy.

“Forced me out of the car, quite literally.” He adds. “The little guy throws a mean punch.” 

It’s the gentle brush of her lips on his that shuts him up, his grip on her tightening, almost afraid she’ll slip away otherwise.

“I never thought I’d love anyone enough to feel obligated to tell them the truth about this. The next time you tell me you love me; I want to know you feel that way even after knowing this. And if you can’t, -  _if you don’t_ -, I won’t hold that against you either.”

She shushes him softly, her lips brushing his again, as he feels her tears fall between them, wetting his cheek slightly.

“I wanted out, Gwen”, he breathes against her lips.

_“I know.”_

“And, I was about to do it in a way that could’ve seriously injured others.”

Her hand moves to his face, holding him close to her face, the warm air hitting his lips as she speaks again.  “I’m not gonna stop loving you, Blake.”

He breaks then, - all the bottled-up emotions from that very moment rushing back to him, the knowledge of her seeing him and staying, breaking the last ounces of self-control he owned. He hugs her tightly, her hand finding her way into his hair, messaging his scalp until he felt himself relax into her embrace completely.

“Let it out, Blake.” She says softly, placing a kiss in his hair. “It’s okay.”

His breath catches and shudders out brokenly, his sobs starting out stifled, but soon gets overcome by the sheer fact he trusts her enough to be this vulnerable and her allowance of his walls crumbling down.

In the background, the LP comes to an end, the music fading out, but none of them moves. His head is still resting in the crook of her neck, while hers is buried in his hair, as she silently rocks them a little. When he finally does pull back, he’s not surprised to see her own eyes red and her mascara slightly smeared. She doesn’t seem to blame him though, instead she looks at him with a tender look on her face, a small smile of gratitude gracing her lips.

“Thank you.” He says hoarsely, slowly detangling a little, but still holding her close, not nearly ready to break the physical contact.  

The feeling of her body so solid against his, her right hand rubbing light circles on his neck, while every intake of breath filled his nose with her flowery scent, was everything he needed to feel like things might finally be okay again.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

“No, you gotta stop here!” She exclaims happily, the excitement in her voice reminding him of the most childlike spirit.  
   
“Right here?” He reassures. “Gwen, this doesn’t seem like a safe place to pull over.”  
   
Her hand flies to his knee, squeezing him gently in the process.  
   
“Blake Shelton, if you drive past this spot...... I swear to God.”  
   
He laughs at her change of tone, trying to get serious with him, while all her eyes convey is the deepest of love. He shakes his head, ignoring all the safety warnings in his head to pull over at the side of the road, parking just far enough into the grass.  
   
“Now what?”  
   
“Now you follow me.” She says adamantly.  
   
She’s out of the car in record time and he needs to catch up, grabbing her hand when he does.

“Thanks for waiting on me”, he mumbles under his breath.  
   
He can see the corners of her lips twitch as she bites her lip to stifle a laugh. “Can’t help it you’re slow.”  
   
“Luckily I didn’t seem to have that problem last night.”  
   
The statement has her burying her head in the side of his arm, blushing furiously; his mind still blown about the fact that she’s so incredibly brazen at all times, but any sexual comment will guarantee to render her speechless every time.  
   
She doesn’t grant him with a response, instead she clings onto his arm a bit more, leading them further and further away from his car.  
   
“You’re still sure this is alright?” He nudges her softly. “Cause if they tow my damn car...”  
   
“They won’t. I used to do this all the time.”  
   
“Do what?”  
   
He was never one for surprises and as much as he trusts her, he’d much rather hear about her plans, following her blindly going against every fibre in his being.  
   
“Come here.” She replies softly, smiling up at him.  
   
Just as he’s about to say something, a worn-out path that sneaks through the blanket of grass appears, the only trace of civilization he gets; moss and lichen covered boulders sprawled in the greenery of mother nature. The scenery looks almost foreign and reminds him a little bit of where he grew up, the similarities giving him an instant sense of peace.  
   
“I thought you might like it here.” She whispers. “After seeing your spot and all.”  
   
He barely lets her finish her sentence before covering her lips with his. It’s not needy and desperate like they’re more than capable of, but instead it’s sweet and tender; a hint of urgency always present since it’s a reaction her presence demands.  
   
This was the type of kiss that would spread heat throughout his entire body; they were his salvation and torment, because he lives for them and knows he’ll die with the memory of them still on his lips.  
   
She lingers against his lips before retracting completely, her hands having sought stability on his arms.  
   
“Stop distracting me from the real reason I brought you out here.” The warm huff of laughter graces his lips after she speaks and he pulls away after admiring her for a couple more seconds.  
   
“Why exactly  _did_  you take me out here?”   
She’d been so determined to bring him to this place, it was almost a bit alarming; he hadn’t opened the door for her more than a second before she practically dragged him out of his house. He chuckles at the recollection. “Not that I mind, cause It’s beautiful.” He adds while taking in the view once more.  
   
She drags him a little bit further, filling his mind with more blanks until he spots the tiny bench in the middle of nowhere. He lets her pull him towards the wooden seat, waiting for her to settle in next to him.  
   
“I found this place just randomly one day and never thought much about if after that.” She starts calmly. “Then I met you…”, she looks at him and trails off, a soft smile gracing those beautiful lips. “I’ve never met anyone who has a deeper appreciation for certain places like you do. I thought back to this place because of it and well…...It just felt selfish not to share it, I suppose.”  
   
It were moments like these where he felt like the world made sense; his father would tell him never to put his faith in other people, keep his feelings close to his chest and his intentions to himself, raised to believe in no one other than himself to avoid disappointment, but he’s never been good at that. He’d later blame that for his inability to foreshadow tragedy or almost gullible attitude he walked into his first marriage with. Gwen doesn’t only prove his father wrong, she also allows Blake to be himself in a way he hasn’t been in years.  
   
“Places make us who we are.” He muses out loud.  
   
She tilts her head slightly at his words. “I think people do.”  
   
He’s not surprise to hear her say that; she’s sweet and brave and no matter what they put her through or might have in store for her, she loves people. It’s what makes her a light to be around, but also exposes her to the ugliest of truths.

“I’ve been to many places and met a bunch of people. I can honestly say every place I’ve ever went to has left a mark on me in some extent, - people certainly haven’t.”  
   
She looks at him doubtfully and that’s another thing he loves about her; she will never make you feel judged about your views, but she will never conform to them just to make conversations easier.  
   
“The people you meet at these places is what sticks with you.”  
   
“Not for me.”  
   
The sound of the soft wind caressing the long branches covering his ears like the prettiest of music, leaving him no choice but to smile. He didn’t realize how much he’s missed the earthy quality places like this had, in the contrary of the city life he’s living now. The bordering on too- cold -wind running through his veins, caressing his lungs and laying down deep inside his heart, fills him with a nostalgic, calm happiness he had no memories of ever feeling before.

“So you’re saying you’d feel no different if it was just you being at this place right now?”  
   
His head snaps back to face her, her eyes sparkling with excitement at the thought of being able to prove her point.  
   
“Ofcourse I’d feel different.”   
   
“But I am a person and this is a place”, she states matter of factly, “If your theory is right, that means that when we go back home, it’s this place that will stick with you in all your memories. Not me.”  
   
He looks at her then and sees that confidence she wears so beautifully, the gorgeous sight of her sitting on the bench next to him completing the picture. He doesn’t even think about it, just lowers his head to lean on her shoulder, the gesture almost a submissive one; the content feeling he’s experiencing one he wants to bathe in, for the first time not scared shitless by vulnerability.  
   
“No place could ever be the same with you in it. It’s not even a fair comparison.”  
   
He can feel her breath hitch due to his proximity, but doesn’t let his detection show.

“You really mean that?”  
   
He feels her soft hand stroking his cheek lightly and he needs to fight back a low sound in the back of his throat, the feeling way too satisfying. He hums softly, pressing a light, barely-there kiss on her shoulder blade.  
   
“I think I might follow you anywhere.”  
   
They sit like that for what feels like hours. He wouldn’t mind sitting there for the rest of the day; his head on her shoulder, her hand soothing the skin on his cheek, but he can hear the increasing of her yawns and the skin on her hands starting to lose their heat, remembering how easily cold she gets.  
   
“You’re cold.” He states  
   
“Just a little.”  
   
He lifts his head from her shoulder, draping his arm around her, pulling her closer into him so he can share some of his heat with her.

“We should get going then.”  
   
She shakes her head fast. “No, we don’t have to go. It’s fine, _really_ , I’m good.”  
   
He gives into her for a while, just letting her warm up against him, stealing a few innocent touches from her, until he can tell she’s trying to hide her shivers from him.  
   
“Gwen, come on.” He nudges her gently. “Let’s go back to the car.”  
   
She’s reluctant to grant his wish, pulling back against his arm that’s trying to pull them both up. “I want to stay here if that’s what you want. This isn’t supposed to be about me.”  
   
“I want you to stop being stubborn.” There was no harshness to his voice, only worry.  
   
A yawn escapes her mouth as she tries to cover it up, probably scared of ruining any plans they might’ve had for later, but her fatigue was obvious. He knows she’s still insecure about not being ‘fun’ enough and it breaks his heart more than he’s willing to admit.  
   
“You look exhausted.” He says while holding her against his side, rubbing slow circles on her arm.  
   
“I’m not, I mean I am a little bit tired but I’m good.”  
   
He knows she’s been working overtime lately, since she’s been granted promotion, going from one of their most experienced designers to being the head of design (he remembers how she felt slightly embarrassed to tell him about her job, somehow convinced she’d be met with a patronizing scepticism, while the knowledge of her creating beauty everywhere she can, couldn’t be any more right in his mind); a task that comes with a lot of sleepless nights and stressful managing. Despite never having heard her complain about it, he isn’t blind to the toll her newfound position has on her energy levels.  
   
“Tell me what point you’re proving by staying out here while obviously being exhausted and freezing your ass off.”  
   
She shoots him a look at his words but he just stares right back, not letting her off the hook.  
   
As much as he’s convinced she wanted to say something, she doesn’t. She just pulls his arm around her more tightly, using his body to somewhat shield her from the cold of the breeze.  
   
It’s exactly that defiance and complexity that makes him drawn to her even more.  
   
“I could lay you down right here and make love to you. To really warm you up.” He whispers in her ear as he feels her shiver for completely different reasons now.  
   
She looks at him a bit shocked and a whole lot flustered. “You’re so crazy.”  
   
“I’m just coming up with possible solutions since you’re not exactly working with me.”  
   
“This is a public place.” She squeals.  
   
“With no one around.”

He says the words without intending to make good on them, knowing it’s something she wouldn’t do (yet), but he can’t lie to himself that the thought of stripping her naked right here and burying himself inside of her is far from a bad one. No, his fantasy going on in his own head, - put there by the words of his own tease-, probably won’t be happening today, but what might actually happen is getting Gwen to walk her pretty little self towards his car, which is enough victory for him.  
   
Instead of getting up though, she shakes her head softly and licks her lips before biting down on them gently.

“You know, with you…. the thought doesn’t even scare me..... I don’t think I’m scared of anything.” She says before turning into him, colliding their lips in a somewhat frantic kiss.  
   
He leans over to kiss her hard and fast, his hands running gently over her curves, grazing the sides of her body over the long coat she’s wearing. He grows bold then, - as he drags his hands back up, letting his thumbs graze her nipples, chuckling as he feels them perk up even beneath all the fabric she’s wearing.

“I love that.” He whispers lowly in her ear.  
   
She moans, but not after rolling her eyes at his cockiness.  
   
“OK OK, you win. Let’s get out of here.”  
   
In his cocky triumph, he smirks with a narrowing of his eyes and tilt of the head.

“After you”, he says while standing up and waving his hand towards the car still parked in the bushes somewhere.  
   
She’s finally on her feet then, dragging them forward slowly. “You’re still sure you want to leave?”  
   
He places his hand on her lower back, urging her forward slowly.  
   
“Positive.”  
   
 

  
   
   
“You want some lunch?”  
   
He’s standing in his kitchen, his back to her, but her presence is palpable everywhere. When he does look over to her she’s leaning against the wall, her lip caught between her teeth once again and he isn’t sure if she’s aware of what that habit does to him.  
   
“Not really, no.” She murmurs, skilful hands pulling her sweater over her head, leaving her in nothing but her bra and jeans in his kitchen. “Come over here.”  
   
It takes nothing more than a couple more heated glances for Blake to comply. When he’s close enough, he feels her hands slide in his pocket, teeth softly biting into her lower lip again, while she pulls him closer against her body, now fully making bodily contact everywhere.  
   
His hands reach out to her sides, a small giggle falling off her lips when he traces past a ticklish part on her ribcage.

“Do you even know how beautiful you are?” He whispers.  
   
There’s that damn lip-bite again and he can feel his control slipping away from him. His hand finds his way into her hair, loving the softness of it and watching it tumbling back into place when he releases it, just to repeat the motion later, his grip in her hair tightening the second time around, causing her neck to snap back slightly, baring her skin for him.  
   
He doesn’t take it. Instead, he leans in to whisper against the skin there, watching her erupt in goosebumps. “Take your pants off.”  
   
She sighs in relief, attempting to push him off to create some space for her to go to work, but instead he tightens his grip and pulls her back harshly, their bodies fully connecting again. “Like this”, he whispers hoarsely.  
   
He sees her hand move down to her zipper, trying to shimmer if off her hips when she gets it open, but his body pressed against her barely covered chest and his hot breath on her neck has her panting in frustration.  
   
“Blake, I can’t...”  
   
“You can.” He retorts quickly, not letting up.  
   
His hand is still tangled in her hair, going back and forth between lightly kissing her neck and just breathing down on her skin, her heartbeat so close to his’s, he wonders if this is what it feels like to be part of the same person; their beings so intertwined on every level.  
   
Her jeans finally pool down her ankles before she kicks them off completely, a hint of relief washing over her features. Standing there in solely her underwear she is breath-taking; the anticipation is rising within her and it sends a pure wave of pleasure through his entire body, the sight intoxicating.  
   
He licks his lips, making a frustrated growling noise when she moves forward to capture his lips in a filthy kiss; he’s latching onto her neck again, biting, sucking, hands wandering down to squeeze her ass, pushing her into his body, getting rid of the distance he created earlier and she can’t seem to help the moan he pulls from her.  
   
“ _Fuck_.” She whimpers brokenly, her head snapping back at a particularly hard suck where her neck meets her collarbone.  
   
He wraps one arm around her waist and hoists her up onto the kitchen table a few steps away, before claiming her lips again. The heavy longing, he experiences every time he’s close to her like this, still an unfamiliar sensation, but one he grows less and less afraid of each time. He sees her own eyes close when his hand wanders down to spread her legs, her own yearning coming to a boiling point as well.  
   
He pushes against her stomach until she willingly lets her back collide with the table, her legs closing to build the pressure even before he’s touched her.  
   
“Look at you.” His voice a low rumble, his breath ghosting over her thighs as he works his way down her body.  
   
She’s about to say something, - knowing her, probably a witty remark-, but before the words can even escape her, he’s placing a kiss dangerously close to her centre, drawing an electric gasp from her.  
   
“Blake please, just fuck me.”  
   
He growls at her words, wrapping his arms around her thighs, keeping her body still as he laps at the juices between her legs. Her hips try to buck into him but the pressure of his arms keep her pretty contained. Her breathy whines turn into full blown moans when his tongue starts toying with her clit and he knows she’s close to coming by the way her breath hitches.  
   
He pushes two fingers into her alongside his tongue, feeling the ring of muscles strain and soothing her with gentle licks, Gwen writhing underneath him the prettiest of reward. “How’s this?”  
   
“…...So good, fuck.”  
   
“Are you close?”  
   
The answer he got was in the form of a breathy moan getting stuck in her throat, her hands desperately gripping the sides of the kitchen table, while her legs tried to close in on him.  
   
“That’s it, baby.”

He knows his words have very little chance of registering with her, her body breaking into shivers while one of her hands goes painfully tight into his hair.  
   
“ _Oh my god_.” She gasps before letting go, her muscles clamping down on his fingers, her wetness coating his mouth and tongue as he laps at her, drawing out all the pleasure he can, before she pushes at his face indicating she can’t take anymore.  
   
He waits for some of the last spasms of her body to subside, before retreating his fingers and making his way up to her face, kissing her softly but deeply.  
   
“Get inside of me. Now.” She orders  
   
“Upstairs?”  
   
“I want you right here.” She says lowly; needy.  
   
He smirks at her request, but answers by disregarding his own jeans, letting her hands wander to his briefs as she pushes them down slowly, taking a hold of him; a choked cry leaving his lips at the feel of her hands on him, maintaining eye contact the whole time as she positions him against her entrance.  
   
He shakes his head and crashes his mouth to hers, swatting her hand away and thrusting his hips; pushing deeply into her. He holds her so tight as he moves, his forehead pressed to hers. “Fuck Gwen.”  
   
She’s pressed against him with such intensity he can feel her heartbeat, their eyes open as she meets him for every thrust. She wakes the purest sides of him, all the facets of himself that only require this, -love-, to be healthy and whole. Being with her like this enough to sink himself into serenity, their energies vibrating in such a unique way.  
   
Her answer is a hard bite to his shoulder, her nails digging into his back, deeply scratching as he can feel her tremble in his arms. “God, Blake”, she whines and then shudders while letting out the tiniest whimpers before a muffled version of his name falls off her lips.  
   
He thrusts into her hard, three more times, then stills and pulls her hair, bringing her head upright so he can tangle his tongue with hers, as he groans and follows her example, pulsating inside of her. He pulls his face away to pepper her check, neck and shoulders with soft, light kisses.  
   
Her body is resting completely against his chest as she comes down her high, not moving a muscle, just clinging to him and he just holds her close as possible, his own mind still reeling from the mind-blowing peaks she’s able to provide him with.  
   
“Can you move yet?” He asks gently, but there’s a lingering of pride in his voice and it doesn’t go unnoticed.  
   
She slaps at his chest playfully, moaning lowly as he slips out. “Can you grab my clothes?”

He leans down to grab her disregarded clothes from his kitchen floor, before handing them over and sticking his hand out for her to grab as he pulls her on her feet gently.  
   
He watches as she shimmies her jeans back over her hips, the skin on her chest glistening with sensual sweet and his eyes are drawn to the golden river that gently caresses its way down her neck, reaching to just below her shoulder blades; he shudders at the realization that this is the closest he’s ever seen perfection in real life.  
   
“How about some lunch now, babygirl?”  
   
She saunters over to him, her arms coming around his neck. “I’d love that.”  
   
He plants a slow kiss on her lips, parting her lips just enough to grant access with his tongue. The kiss isn’t a hard one, it’s not meant to take the air out of her lungs, the only motivation that drives him the one where he wants her to feel cherished.  
   
They get lost in that for a while, before his phone starts buzzing and they pull apart with a frustrated grunt. He reluctantly manoeuvres himself out of her grip, enough to grab his phone and read the numerous text coming in.  
   
“Something bad?” She asks gently when he stays quiet for a while.  
   
“No, nothing bad.” He answers softly, his hand pushing his device back into his pocket before returning his attention to Gwen, pulling her back into his arms. “It’s nothing.”  
   
He watches her face fall as he speaks those words, the look she gives him next looking almost hurt. “I hate it when you lie to me.”  
   
“Baby, I’m not…” but he doesn’t finish his sentence, instead he decides to start again. “It was Adam. He knows we’re spending the weekend together and he’s asking if we want to come over tonight.”  
   
“I don’t understand.” She muses out loud. “You told me you wanted me to meet him. How is this a bad thing?”  
   
“Never said it was.”  
   
Something flashed beneath the surface of his hardened expression and she hurried to investigate the sudden shift, but came up short, the emotion disappearing before she could even identify it.  Her eyes close momentarily as she lets out a soft breath and it’s the first time he sees her unwilling to peel back the layers of hidden emotions from him, instead she gives in and nods.  
   
“Whenever you’re ready.”  
   
Realizing his mistake, he grabs her hand and forces her gaze back to his. “Gwen, I’m sorry. I’m ready for you to meet him, I just want to make sure you are. I don’t want to scare you off.”  
   
“You won’t scare me off. You got me, you know that.”  
   
“I do.” He breathes. “Baby, if you want to meet him, I’m ready for that.”  
   
He can tell she’s still hesitant, obviously biting her tongue; as if the words are still circulating her mind and are not yet allowed to flow outward into the world.  
   
“It’s never a case of not wanting you to meet the ones closest to me. Hell, I’ve been wanting to shout this from the rooftops the moment you told me you loved me.” He recalls honestly. “You’ve been so patient with me from the start and I just want to make sure I give you that same courtesy back. I don’t really know how to do this right, I’m pretty much grasping in the dark here Gwen, _but I’m trying.”_  
   
Her eyes water at his words and he can’t help but pull her closer instinctively. She reaches forward then and kisses him softly, pulling back to speak. “You’re sweet, Blake. We’re both figuring out how to do this right, I get that. I’m serious too, I won’t ever get mad at you for not being ready for something or needing to take things slow. I’m just asking you to be open about that too.”  
   
“Which you have every right to ask for.”  
   
Gwen reaches out for his face again, this time it’s her hand resting on his cheek.

“So what do you say, are we going tonight or not? It’s your call.”  
   
Her gentle voice guides him back to reality, telling him without words that what he’s used to, is all just a distant memory; she’s an anchor that gives him hope when the darkness creeps in.  
   
   
“Would 8 o’clock work?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with Adam is next ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Gwen’s not good at hiding her nerves. He’s not surprised to learn this; her transparency is something that she lives in and he wouldn’t want it any other way. Her anxiety is painfully present though and he can’t help but worry this might be too soon. There’s only silence lingering in the air as they walk up the gravelly porch, his eyes scanning over her intensely searching for any sign of reassurance, but the near claustrophobic bubble she seems to be stuck in is impenetrable; a small sigh of anxiety leaping out of her freshly glossed lips.  
  
His eyes flicker once with what can only be described as fear, which she catches right away. Instinctively she searches out his hand, frantically intertwining them to which he can now feel how clammy her palms are, her free hand smoothing over the front of her shirt almost compulsory.  
  
“Hey, you okay, Gwen?” He starts hesitantly. “You know we can go back if you’re not ready, right?”  
  
Deep down he hopes he’s just reading her nerves wrong or something, but this is not how he wants her to go in there, this is not the type of reaction from her he ever wants credit for.  
  
“What? No, I want to meet him.” She says, squeezing his hand simultaneously, yet her voice is uncharacteristically soft.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
He felt a muscle near the corner of his left eye twitch involuntarily, Gwen’s anxiety leaping into his own, all the while he’s staring at her awaiting her answer. It’s a weird feeling knowing that this gloomy, Sunday morning could be the start of new beginnings in every kind of way, yet also become the thing that breaks his dreams in two.  
  
There are a few silent seconds before she tilts her head to look at him.

“We’re talking about the guy that saved your life, right? The one who never left your side when you needed it most?”  
  
He swallows roughly a few times as he nods softly, confirming her statements as truths.  
  
Her eyes flicker with something familiar and her finger reaches out to press Adam’s doorbell, pressing any doubts of whether she wants this or not to the back of his mind.

“I’m sure.”

 

  
  
“He’s never like this. That’s for damn sure.”  
  
Adam’s voice is loud and bordering on obnoxious, but he doesn’t blame his friend for being overly-excited, as he’s currently in the process of getting his girlfriend drunk and bombarding her with personal questions. Except for the Fleetwood Mac album playing softly on the background and Adam’s voice, it’s a rather quiet Sunday evening; his friend has without a doubt been showing out with all the kinds of food and drinks presented.  
  
“Adam, chill for a second, will you?” He loves the enthusiasm, but after the hundredth question coming her way, he can see Gwen drawing a blank and looking rather panicked.  
  
“No, it’s fine Blake”, she reassures sweetly as she lays a hand on top of his knee. “We’ve been dating for about two months now.”  
  
Everything has gone so quickly. They haven’t spent more than a couple days apart since the day they’ve met and never has human contact ever been this easy-going for him. There are no facades here, nothing to hide behind or uncover; both of their hearts are laying on the line here and both are well-aware and willing.  
  
“I wondered why I suddenly had to beg this dumbass to come see me.” Adam jokes.  
  
“Sorry for stealing him away for a while.”  
  
Unable to stay out of their conversation now, he butts in.

“Gwen, baby, as sweet as I think you are, I really wish you’d save your apologies for someone more worthy.”  
  
His friend shoots him a quick middle finger before getting up and disappearing into the kitchen to get some refills. With them being left alone on the couch, he’s finally able to shamelessly steal some touches, which he’s been dying to do ever since they sat down. Gwen seems to have somewhat similar ideas, as her hands glides over his upper arm, squeezing gently.  
  
The last time he sat on Adam’s couch with someone he dated, Miranda had been sitting next to him. Forced to keep up that happy façade, - social gatherings together would result in damn near torment for him; the struggle to keep up the appearance of this relationship that everyone seemed to admire was the true definition of isolation.  
  
Sitting here with Gwen was the epitome of relief. His smile is pasted over his face, but it’s not faked to perfection, instead it’s the pure power of what they have got going on. Suddenly needing her much closer, he wraps his arm around her fully, until she hesitantly lowers her face onto his shoulder.  
  
“Adam is great.” She whispers softly. “Funny too.”  
  
He looks at her then as a wide smile appears on her face and he involuntarily bites his cheek; the sudden wave of adoration overwhelmingly present.

“He ain’t all that.” He shrugs jokingly.  
  
He takes a slight jab at the shoulder from Gwen, before his friend emerges back into the room, holding out two wine glasses to which Gwen nods gratefully. The other one is for Adam, which is not surprising since he’s still driving later, but the look his friend graces him with shows more depth and a layer of worry that he can’t possibly blame the guy for.

“I’ve been teasing both of you guys about it for most of the evening, but I really do want you guys to know I’m happy for you.”

Neither one of them seemed to expect Adam’s next words and its Gwen who first cuts through the unexpected silence.

“Thank you, Adam. I know how close you and Blake are, so that’s very meaningful.”

Blake reaches for her hand, intertwining their fingers on his lap. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before, man.”  
  
He’s speaking to Adam, but it’s Gwen who has the most prominent reaction; there’s a stutter in her breath and an emotional expression on her face as she looks at him.  
  
“I think you just broke Gwen.” Adam chimes in.  
  
A soft smile breaks through on her face, no longer strained by shock, just gratitude.  
  
“When I met him, - _you_ ”, she adds while locking eyes with Blake quickly, “so many things started making sense to me. This is all has gone crazy quick, but I am convinced this is what we’re supposed to be doing. I really think we’re great for each other.”  
  
He wasn’t sure whether she was talking to him or Adam, but the conviction behind her words had him feeling like he was on top of the world; never having words like that spoken to him before.  
  
“Blake, if you screw this up......”  
  
“He won’t.”  
  
Gwen was quick to interrupt and for that he’s grateful. There’s an insecurity there always waiting underneath his skin, the tiniest trigger able to set it off, but Gwen seems to have mastered the art of talking him down from the darker parts of his mind.  
  
“Definitely not counting on it.” Blake says lowly.  
  
In his mind, there’s so much more he wants to say; he wants to fill her mind with the prettiest of words and press the most fulfilling promises against her skin and he’ll mean them all. Loving her is the easiest thing he’s ever done, nothing about it had been a choice; he woke up and loved her and that’s the craziest realization. All his defences turned into weaknesses around her and it’s like a part of her resonated with his soul that very day, telling him: _happiness is right here, I dare you to let it in._  
  
The rest of the evening went like that; Adam asking invasive questions, while Gwen dealt with them like a pro, looking for the occasional encouragement from Blake. Everything is going so well, he’s genuinely surprised when he hears Adam asking his next question.  
  
“I know you’ve said you’re happy and I hate to be _that_ guy, but Blake has been my best friend forever and I know how he works, he falls slowly but really fucking hard each time. I just need to know; are you serious about a future with him?”  
  
Blake’s eyebrows furrow at his friend’s words, the absurdity of the question close to angering him, but mostly fear creeps in when he takes in Gwen’s nervous features. She slowly sets down the drink in her hand, the increasing of her breathing audible to him.  
  
“Adam, what the hell man.” His hand rubs over his stubble, resting on his lower lip for a second, trying to figure out what to say next. “Where is this coming from?”  
  
“I’m just looking out for you, that’s all.” Adam’s words were confident, laid back almost, but the nervous fidgeting of his own hands gave him away.  
  
“She’s been taking all of your questions all night, being polite and honest all the way, only for you to end it with some bullshit question like that.” His words started out more shocked than anything, but somewhere during his little rant, he felt anger take over, the feeling settling heavy in his chest.  
  
“Blake, it’s alright baby. I get it….”, Gwen starts tentatively.  
  
“No, Gwen. You’re not here cause you need to prove yourself. That’s not what we’re doing here.”

He speaks his words while looking at her, but they’re aimed directly at his friend who seems to realize.

Adam sighs desperately, the reaction from Blake not completely an unthinkable one, but nonetheless one he’s happy with. The quietness is awkwardly loud for the next minute or so, before Adam breaks it by getting up and pointing at the dishes on the small table in front of them. “I’ll be right back.”  
  
Blake’s expression turns puzzled as he watches his friend leave for the kitchen, before turning to Gwen still sitting next to him.

“Is he serious?” He mumbles under his breath.  
  
“Let me.” She says while standing up, ordering Blake to stay put with a gentle but firm hand on his thigh. “It’s okay, Blake, really. Let me handle this.”  
  
Doubt sets in to his face like rigor mortis, his teeth locking tightly together, yet he nods, knowing this is something she needs to do to get her own anxiety under control. Watching her walk towards the kitchen did nothing but fuel his own dread; as good as things were between them, this was still rather new and fragile. He hopes this will only bend them, not break them, but the small lingering of doubt is enough to lock his whole body up in stiffening nerves.  
  
“Adam?” Gwen’s voice comes softly as she turns the corner to face him in the kitchen, his hands stilling on the dishes as he hears her.  
  
“Gwen.” He acknowledges and he doesn’t sound angry, just slightly confused as his thumbnail rasps against his light scruff. “I didn’t mean to offend back there, you know?”  
  
She nods her head immediately, showing her understanding. “I know. I’m not offended.”  
  
“He is.” He refers to his friend in his living room.  
  
“I think he’s just terrified.” She says softly. “He really values your opinion a lot.”  
  
“For a long time we were all we had, you know?” Adam starts softly. “I think that when his whole thing went down it was nice to have someone who was a bit removed from the situation, to help him see things clearer. We’ve always had a pretty significant understanding of each other.”  
  
“That understanding saved his life.” She reminds him gently.  
  
The words seemed to resonate deeply as she watched the eyes of the remarkable friend before her fill up, his head shaking softly. “He’s much stronger than he gives himself credit for.”  
  
“Oh, that’s a fact.” She states  
  
A brief silence falls after their words and it’s that moment when everything falls into place. There’s a respect and understanding growing stronger between the two adults, the moments of doubt flowing down the drain fast.  
  
“Thank you for making him happy, Gwen.” Adam’s voice cuts through the silence once again. “I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t seen him like this ever. It’s not something I ever thought I’d see after……. well, _you know.”_  
  
She tries her best at a genuine smile, but the thought of Blake getting treated badly in his previous marriage weighs heavy on her heart; some thoughts alone are able to shatter her heart to pieces and this sure is one of them.  
  
“That’s all I ever want for him.” She answers honestly. “I just want this to be different for him.”  
  
“You’re already so different, - you actually came to talk to me one on one. She would’ve never done that.” He interjects quickly.  
  
“And this is only day one.” She teases. “We can only go up from here.”  
  
“You’re funny, must’ve gotten that from that jackass.”  
  
She laughs then, inhibited and real. “I’d let him take the credit for a lot of things, but my humour is mine, thank you very much.”  
  
Adam visibly relaxes against the counter, his shit-eating grin infectious.

“Excuse my ignorance. I heard you loud and clear.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He observes her walking around in nothing more but his shirt and underwear as she wanders around the living room, much like she did when she first came over. There’s an undeniable wave of relief that washes over him the moment they step back inside of his house, the meeting with Adam having a great ending regardless, but the stress of that whole evening enough to tire him out completely.  
  
He quietly makes his way up behind her, making sure not to startle her as his hands come up around her waist, his head lowering onto her shoulder, the smell of his own t-shirt flying up his nostrils.  
  
“I think this might be my favorite attire of yours.” He whispers lowly against her neck.  
  
A small giggle escapes her mouth, before reaching for his soft curls. “Technically it’s _yours_ ”  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
He doesn’t wait for a response, just goes straight for those tempting lips he’s been wanting to kiss all day, catching all her sighs and soft moans in his mouth as they go. Her hands are in his hair, on his neck and later clutch to his back for support, but she doesn’t let it go much further than that.  
  
“Down boy.” She jokes half-heartedly. “I was thinking maybe we can have a quiet night on the couch, order pizza, watch some movies. That kinda thing.”  
  
As much as he wants to hone in on some much hornier ideas, he can’t deny hers sounds far from awful and after today’s activities, he’s all in for some normality.  
  
He kisses her lips for good measure before resting his forehead against hers, giving her a quick smile; the sight of Gwen in front of him still making him feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

“I’d love that.”  
  
There’s a relieved sigh that leaves her lips at his words and he wants to punch her stupid ex in the face for installing all these little insecurities within her. He has to do indulge in some serious down talking, but manages to leave any mention of her ex out of his next words.  
  
“Gwen, I really don’t mind what we do as long as you’re here. That’s all I care about. Holding you in my arms while watching a movie or getting to enjoy your presence during dinner in the quiet of our homes…… That’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”  
  
He waits for her reaction, which comes in a matter of seconds; her arms are thrown around his neck, while she places desperate little pecks on his mouth, her eyes watery when she finally pulls back.  
  
“I wish I would’ve met you years ago.”  
  
The statement rings true on both sides, cause there have been many times where he has wished for meeting her earlier in his life; he would’ve never married Miranda, he wouldn’t have so many trust issues to work through. Neither would he have installed the insecurities in Gwen that her ex did, he would’ve loved her like he does now just slightly less damaged, but love is never on anyone’s time. It took him a while to realize it might not have been on theirs, but their love came at a time where it worked for the both of them. For that he’s eternally grateful.  
  
Remembering her earlier words, he grins, softly nibbling on her ear before whispering in it. “You got me now, baby girl.”  
  
Her gaze falls onto his lips and he subconsciously wets it, knowing that if she gives in to her desires, it’s over. He’s weak like that.  
  
She huffs out in laughter as she lowers her face into the crook of his neck, shaking her head a few times. “We’re hopeless”, she laughs.  
  
“I can’t help it that my girl finds me irresistible.”

 _“Yeah, yeah_.” She rolls her eyes playfully. “Cowboy, are you ever going to order our pizzas?”  
  
About an hour later, that’s exactly how they’re positioned on his couch; his legs crossed underneath him while Gwen’s leaning into him, stealing slices from the box on his lap. A couple months ago, this was a picture he could only see in his dreams, it being so far detached from his reality. Now, this is something he can comfortably bask in and recognize as his life.  
  
He studies her face for a while, even though she’s occupied with the food in her hand and show on the TV, she’s all he can see right now. There’s no fear to be detected, no crazy conditions she feels like she needs to live up to, just Gwen in her most natural form; hair in a messy bun, his shirt hanging loosely around her body, no make-up, enjoying her pizza while occasionally taking a slug from the beer bottle in front of her. He takes pride in knowing she’s comfortable with him like this and hopes for the life of him that will never change.  
  
“You know you’re missing the entire episode, right?” She says while keeping her eyes locked with the TV, the ever-growing grin letting him know he’s caught staring.  
  
He reaches over to steal the slice of pizza out of her hands, making her look up at him finally. “Blake, _what the_....”  
  
“…...You gotta kiss me if you want it back.”  
  
She shakes her head in disbelief, biting her lip in the process. “Oh my god, how old are you?” She tries to stifle a laugh, but when he raises his eyebrows and threatens to eat it himself, she breaks out in a bunch of loud giggles. “You’re crazy.”  
  
“Whatever floats your boat, _honey_. Still waiting for that kiss though.”  
  
She blushes for a moment, her arms seeking out for his cheeks so she can move his face closer to hers. When he’s close enough she connects their lips for a soft, tender kiss, whimpering a little when he moves to deepen it. Her arms move to his neck, her nails scratching ever so slightly through his hair, proud of the groan it retracts from him.  
  
She grins before moving away a little, Blake still too dazed from their kiss to realize she stole the slice back from him, her victory smile adorable.  
  
“Now that’s just mean.” A dramatic hurt expression following his words.  
  
She moves back to her previous position, her lips pressing a quick kiss on his lips as she does. “I’m sorry baby. I love you.”  
  
It’s still crazy to hear her say those words so casually, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, like it’s not completely foreign to him to hear those words and actually believe them.  
  
“You remind me of this Fleetwood Mac song.” He says suddenly, his hand rubbing soft circles on her arm. “Leather and Lace.” He elaborates.  
  
She gasps lightly, her face looking up to find his. He can tell she’s overwhelmed and he knows she’s not used to that kind of praise, but he’s been thinking about it for a while, music has always been a way for him to put his feelings in context, the way she’s being so free and loving with him, opening him up enough to share.  
  
“I love that song.” She nearly whispers.  
  
He chuckles softly, nowhere near surprised to hear that, but he loves her all the more for it.

“Yeah, I mean it’s been kind of like that for me. The first time you walked through that door….”, he trails off while looking at the direction of his home entrance, “I knew I couldn’t have you walk out.”  
  
There’s a tear that escapes down her face and he wipes it away gently with his finger, pushing her firmly against him, waiting out her soft sniffles and shudders.  
  
She’s always beautiful, but when she lets her guard down like that, she makes a truly magnificent picture. Her eyes are so different in moments like these, softer than he ever knew eyes could be and if it were anyone else but her, he’d drop his gaze, but with her he just can’t look away; always willing to bask in the genuine love reflected there.  
  
“Haven’t got time for the pain.” She says after some moments of silence, the TV the only audible sound in the room.  
  
“What’s that, beautiful?”  
  
“Haven’t got time for the pain.” She repeats. “The Carly Simon’s song. You remind me of that.”  
  
He has to tell her he doesn’t know that song, which causes a hint of disappointment, but mostly shock to cover her features, to which he chuckles softly, throwing his hands up in a surrendering gesture. She makes him promise to listen to it (but not when she’s there, cause she might cry again) and he vows to do exactly that.  
  
When he listens to the song the next night, he’s somewhat grateful she’s not around as a couple tears slide down his own cheeks.  
  
  
_You showed me how to leave myself behind._  
H _ow to turn down the noise in my mind._  
_Now I haven’t got time for the pain._  
_I haven’t got room for the pain.  
I haven’t the need for the pain._  
_Not since I’ve known you._

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

“You’ve been in there for hours, Gwen.” He chuckles more to himself than to her, knowing full well how serious she gets whenever fashion’s involved. He’s resting with his back against her headboard, going through some of his texts while waiting for his girlfriend to join him back on the bed.  
  
A maybe too hopeful of a wish.  
  
“I’m so excited for tomorrow”, she exclaims happily while he hears her stumble around in the walk-in closet that still renders him speechless to this day. “I’m just looking for this special shirt, I know it has to be in here somewhere. The brown one, long sleeves, lace in the front. You remember the one, Blake?”  
  
It takes him a couple seconds to realise she’s talking to him as the clothing talk lessened his attention span embarrassingly. “Uhm, no. I’m sorry baby.”  
  
“ _What_?!” Her high pitch voice suddenly sounds closer by as she walks into the room with nothing but her jeans and bra, a bunch of clothing articles drawn over her arm. “You really don’t remember?”  
  
Blake lowers the phone in his hand, is eyes scanning over her body as a playful smirk comes over his face. She starts to squirm awkwardly under his gaze, which is what ultimately makes him speak up.

“I don’t, but if it makes you feel any better, I think you look pretty fucking incredible just like this. No t-shirt needed.”  
  
He makes a move to get off the bed and walk over to her, but she stops him with a regretful motion of her hand. “No, no no. I need to focus. You’re going to distract me if I let you get any closer.”  
  
Her attention was caught by something inside of her closet, causing her small frame to disappear from his sight again, pulling a regretful sigh from his chest.

Tomorrow he’s meeting Gwen’s family for the first time and no matter how confident he is in the bond they’ve created together, he’s not all too confident about being able to leave a positive mark with her loved-ones.  
  
This is the part that has always been extra tricky for him. His ex-wife never made much of an effort with his family, which in hindsight was a sign he ignored because of his own personal feelings towards them, but he did really try with hers and he’s aways left wondering what kind of impression he’s left them with. Everything about this is different with Gwen and in a sense more complicated: family is what she lives for, while it’s something he couldn’t wait to escape.  
  
“FOUND IT!”  
  
The loud yell coming from inside the closet shakes him out of thought, before she comes out to model it for him. “Look, I knew it was in there.” She smiles at him gently, her body twisting to the left and right to show him all angles of the newly found t-shirt. “What do ya think?”  
  
His eyes sparkle with recognition, cause how could he ever forget? She looks absolutely breathtaking and the way her cheeks flush and her lip gets bitten, he’d say she knows.  
  
“I hope you’re done with whatever you needed to do.” He says matter of factly.  
  
“Why?”  
  
He lurches his legs over the left side of the bed, pulling himself up in one swift motion before sauntering over to her determined but slow enough to get some more words in. “Because I’m planning on thoroughly distracting you.”  
  
She has the audacity to blush furiously at his words, but still hold her hands up against his chest, leaving a little bit of space between their bodies.  
  
“Blake”, she laughs. “Oh my god, you’re acting like you’ve never seen me half naked before.”  
  
“You’re not half naked anymore.” He states while fumbling around with the lacy part of her shirt that dips down to right above her breasts. “How about we change that?”  
  
His fingers drop down to her pants and move into her back pockets, getting rid of the distance between them by pushing her into him harshly. He was usually patient enough to deal with her teasing, but not today.  
  
She looks up at him briefly through her lashes, her lips curving up slightly as she seems to be taking him in. He wants to blink, maybe even look away but something about her gaze makes him feel more wanted than he’s ever felt, her arms now going around his neck are the only things grounding him to earth.

“I’m not lying when I tell you I still have a shitload to do.” She whispers playfully.  
  
“I can be quick.” He retorts immediately.  
  
To hell with the formalities. He needs her now. He presses into her firmly causing her back to hit the wall with a soft thud, his hands working fast to get her jeans lose and off. Their height difference is emphasised when he’s cornering her against a wall, -always-, the way he towers over her something he knows turns her on. His fingers come to slightly tap over her already damp underwear and he feels her two small hands gripping his upper arm tightly; her breathing sounding ragged to his ears.  
  
“Fuck”, she mumbles under her breath. “Blake please hurry…. _oh god_.”  
  
The thought flees out of her mind as he sucks on her skin right above her collarbone, a spot he’d come across one lazy afternoon. The sounds she’s making are always enough to get him hard as a rock, today no exception, as he presses one finger deep into her at her next breathy whimper.  
  
Her legs almost give out as a result and he presses her more firmly into the wall behind her to give her some leverage and keep her upright. “Oh my god.”  
  
Being with her is more erotic than anything he’s ever experienced before and maybe that’s a result of the mutual desire and chemistry oozing off the both of them. It’s that healthy balance of both wanting and needing each other in the same overwhelming amount, that satisfies him beyond belief.  
  
His teeth are gnashing into the side of her neck while his fingers work her in a steady pace, her moans and whimpers enough indication that she likes what he’s doing, yet she begs him to go faster.  
  
“Blake please.” She moans desperately.  
  
Her desperate plea makes him harder, as he bites deeper into her neck, adding another finger.

“Take me just like this”, he whispers against the purple mark forming on her otherwise flawless skin.  
  
He almost comes undone when she throws her head back against the wall while letting out the most guttural moan he’s ever heard from her, the wetness between her thighs increasing.  
  
“I need more.” She says between gritted teeth.  
  
He smirks. “I think this is more than enough for you, Gwen. I have all the proof I need right here over my fingers, baby.” As to punctuate his words, he thrusts his fingers into her more prominent, her teeth biting down on her lips so hard she’s damn near drawing blood.  
  
He knows he’s keeping most of his touches light and shallow; just enough to give her the pleasure she needs, but not nearly enough to make it happen quickly. The tease is almost maddening but the goosebumps rattling up her legs rapidly are a tail-sign of her orgasm approaching, her soft moans and whimpers more frequently now.  
  
His free hand grabs both of her arms and pins them above her head, the tight grip she had on his arm distracting him from his mission between her legs. She rolls her eyes when his thumb rubs over her clit and as quickly as that it’s over, she falls apart under his touch, her climax leaving her weak and heaving.  
  
He plasters kisses all over her chest and neck, waiting for her to calm down some. “You’re so beautiful.”  
  
After getting some of her bearings back, she lifts the lacy shirt over her head before disregarding it somewhere on the floor, following it with a toss of her bra. Her arms pull him closer against her now naked body, sucking dirtily at his earlobe.  
  
“If you don’t fuck me now, I might actually die.” She whispers seductively.  
  
“Can’t have that now, can’t we?” His voice is nothing more than an aggressive growl as he gets rid of his own shirt and boxers, before burying himself into her body with a single thrust of his hips. They both cry out, the feeling one he’ll never get used to.  
  
Her arms above her head search for something to grip, but come up empty as there’s nothing but wall. She breaks away from his grasp only to let her arms fall around his neck as she holds on for dear life. He feels his chest swell up with gratitude and luck to have this gorgeous woman give up control like that; still not completely sure why she decided to give her heart and trust to him, but never planning on making her regret that choice.  
  
His head lowers done to one of her breasts as he takes one of her nubs in his mouth, sucking lightly as she curses and whines. “Yes Blake! God please.”  
  
“What do you want, baby?” He noses up the side of her neck briefly, before going back to her nipple and tugs. “Say it.”  
  
“Oh god, Blake. Please make me come.”  
  
Her words sound weak and breathy, the knowledge of knowing it’s all because of him getting him that much closer to his own release. “ _Fuck_.” He hisses.  
  
Her legs are quivering and the wetness that suddenly coats his dick lets him know exactly how close she is. He decides to give her what she wants then, his hand moving down to their joining, circling her swollen clit before pressing down on it, her breath hitching immediately. “Oh fuck…”  
  
“That’s it, Gwen. Let it go for me.”  
  
She cries weakly in response, but she’s too far gone to utter any words. Her head falls forward into the crook of his neck as she lets him thrust up into her a few more times before falling off that edge; he scatters one more love bite on her neck before feeling her tighten around him, her legs stiffen as her hands fall to his biceps, leaving scratches at the intensity of which she grips him with. With her head thrown back against the wall again, she makes one hell of a sight: lost in bliss and completely fucked out.  
  
It takes him only a few more seconds before he makes a growling noise as he comes inside her, grunting with every last pulse of his cock. “Jesus Christ, Gwen.”  
  
She chuckles softly, her hand playing with the hairs in the nape of his neck. It were the moments right after they’d make love, -or fuck-, that had surprised him the most. Her gentle touches, the way she’d keep him close instead of pushing him away right after, were able to obliterate every thought in his mind; the worries of the day were able to evaporate like ice on a sunny day, drunk on endorphins his only desire was to touch her, hold her. Moments like these were just a beginning, a promise of much more to come.  
  
Like she could read his mind, she softly kissed up the tender era at the base of his neck, before moving up to his lips, as she showered him with a gentle, but deep kiss. He could see the gratitude in her eyes, thrilled beyond words to realise he was letting himself be the recipient of her affection. No fear, the softening and tenderness of his eyes proof of that.  
  
“I love you, you know that.” His words come out in between kisses and he feels her smile against his lips.  
  
Her fingers run up and down his spine now, her cheeks blushing hotly as she glances back up into his captivating blue eyes. Leaning down to rest her forehead against his, she watches him breathlessly. Just as he feels a rush of euphoric bliss envelop him entirely, she pulls away enough for his body to instantly miss her heat.  
  
“I can’t wait for you to meet my family, Blake. I want everyone to know how happy you make me.” Her free hand strokes back a lock of hair from his face.  
  
“I’m nervous.”  
  
She huffs in acknowledgement. “I know. I am too, but it’s worth it right?”  
  
The moment is overwhelming anyways, but the look on Gwen’s face that perpetrates nothing but love and bliss makes it one he wouldn’t trade for the world. Her big brown eyes look up at him expectingly and he can’t help but chuckle at how adorable she looks.  
  
“One hundredth percent, baby girl.”  
  
Taking his time to answer probably did nothing to convince her, so he makes sure she knows just how much they’re on the same page. “I’m nervous, but there’s also no place I’d rather be. I want to be a part of your life forever, Gwen. They’re your family, so I want to a be a part of theirs.”  
  
Her small hands cradle his face, while her thumbs stroke gently over his cheeks.

“You already are.”  
  
  
  
  
  
It's suddenly easier to understand Gwen's undying love for family,- there's an instant warmth he's greeted with when he walks through the door. Gwen's arm is linked in his and for that he's grateful; not sure he would be able to keep as calm if she didn't.

An older woman that he identifies as her mom walks up to them immediately, wrapping her up in a tight hug.  
  
"You look beautiful, honey."  
  
Her mom is obviously over the moon excited by her daughter's presence and Blake can do nothing but smile at the sweet encounter.  
  
"Mom, this is Blake", she says sweetly before creating some space and tugging Blake forward.  
  
“Nice to meet you, ma’am.” He reaches out his hand for the older woman to shake, but she dismisses his hand with a quick shake of her head before pulling him in for a hug of his own.  
  
"It's so nice to meet you, Blake. Please, come in, make yourself comfortable."  
  
Blake and Gwen share a quick glance, winking at him sweetly as she watches her mom practically drag him into the house. It takes about twenty minutes to introduce himself to all of her family; it's a closeness he's not used to and it takes him no less than a few minutes to realize her family loved her with the power of a thousand suns, part of the reason as to why she flourished into the open and kind woman she is. Her father's handshake is firm, but not intimidating, a rush of relief washing over him in the moment. He's not a man of many words, but the man seems to like him, as much as his fatherly instinct allow him.  
  
"Thank you for inviting me today, Sir. It's very nice to meet you."  
  
Her dad's expression turns softer at his words, his hand reaching out to pat him on the upper arm.  
  
"Gwen has told us a lot about you. She really likes you."  
  
It’s crazy how these words from her dad make him feel like a teenage boy, all giddily and warm inside, the thought of Gwen being in love with ihm still a crazy one. It’s exhilarating to say the least.  
  
"She means everything to me, Sir."  
  
"She's amazing." Her dad looks at him intently, almost like he's trying to read him and he doesn't blame him. He knows Gwen's been through it in her previous relationship, her father's concern bathed in the reality of her past. "She deserves the world, Blake. I can only hope you're intent on giving her that."  
  
He nods in understanding, knowing no words will do the trick, he'll have to proof himself through action and he's more than okay with that. "We're on the same page."  
  
" _Good_." He gives Blake one more supportive pat, before gesturing to the living room. "I kept you out here long enough. Go enjoy yourself, my daughter will hurt me if I keep you out here any longer."  
  
He looks over to Gwen, who's talking to a woman who appears to be her age, some cheesy anniversary glasses covering her eyes and he walks over feeling way more confident than he did a couple minutes ago.  
  
"You must be the infamous sister in law." He says sheepishly, a huge grin covering his features. He locks Gwen in a side embrace, his arm resting on her lower back. He almost expects her to turn away at the physical contact in front of her sister, but instead she falls into him completely, smiling softly while she does.  
  
"And you must be the hot boyfriend." She retorts quickly, raising a snort from Gwen.  
  
"God Jen, it's been less than a second."  
  
"Not sure about the first part, but I _am_ her boyfriend."  
  
Gwen, who isn’t there for the self deprecation shoots him a quick glance, before adding a “she’s right about all parts”, earning a proud grin from Blake and an eye-roll from Jen.  
  
"Nice to meet you, Blake. This one told me _a lot_ about you." Her sister in law adds with a mischievous smirk.  
  
His eyes scan over Gwen who looks red with embarrassment. " _Jen_ ", she hisses  
  
Ignoring Gwen’s warning, she shoots Blake a knowing smile. “I would introduce you to my husband but he’s probably somewhere enjoying his drinks. God, he’s really soaking this party up, isn’t he?”  
  
“Can you blame him?” Gwen almost squeals. “Eight years! That’s quite something.”  
  
She sounds excited, but there’s s hint of something more emotional in her voice, that Blake detects immediately. He grabs her hand in support, squeezing gently.  
  
Jen seems to notice the sweet moment as she _awws_ at the little display of affection.  
  
“You guys are cute. Like disgustingly so.”  
  
Before he knows it, Gwen is being whisked away from him again by another family member, while Jen makes it her mission to find her husband. He stiffens momentarily when he realizes he once again is left alone and her small hand lands on his bicep briefly, her soft voice matching her gentle touch. “Are you going to be okay?”  
  
He’s committed to making a good impression on her family and let Gwen have a good day; he knows she doesn’t see them as much as she’d like, even though some of her reasons for the distance is complicated, if she can have this day and enjoy herself throughougly, he won’t stand in the way of that for even a mere second.  
  
“I’ll be fine, babe. Go. I’ll find you in a second.”  
  
She places a soft kiss on his cheek, before letting herself get dragged into the other part of the room, glancing over at Blake one more time before he disappears out of view as well.  
  
  
  
  
  
“I’ve never been in a relationship like this one, man.”  
  
He finally gets the opportunity to talk to her brother, Todd, who shares the same charisma Gwen has; both have this calmness around them, while being funny and inclusive as hell.  
  
“I’ve never seen her like this either.” He admits. “She looks _really_ happy this time.”  
  
Todd’s emphasis on the word “happy” doesn’t go unnoticed by Blake and he can’t help but shake his head briefly. “I just can’t understand how anyone could ever intentionally hurt her.”  
  
Her brother bites his lip in frustration before letting Blake in on his thoughts.

“Shes too trusting. She believes in love in a way that almost borders on fantasy. She’s strong and independent as hell, but I don’t think her heart can handle anymore tragedy.”

Blake can tell just by talking to him for a few minutes how fond her brother is of Gwen and he suddenly gets the overwhelming urge to get his approval and ease any kind of concerns he might have about him.  
  
“I know they’re just words right now but I care for your sister in a way I’ve never cared for another human being before. I want to be a safe place for her. I just want you to know that.”  
  
The sparkle in Todd’s eyes at his words show him he made the right call. “I trust you. I never thought I’d say those words to you, to be honest.”  
  
“Hearing them means more to me than you’ll know.”

There’s a brief silence between the two men, the conversation hangs in the air for a while as both seem to be processing the powerful exchange. It’s a feeling that ripples through him like ocean waves, the feeling of change and acceptance a nice one to invite in for once.  
  
After a couple more seconds, he seems to get his bearings back, as he addresses the slightly younger man.

“So, eight years. Congratulations.”  
  
Todd’s eyes light up at the mention of his wife and Blake wonders if he used to have the same reaction to his ex-wife, knowing that everything inside of him already lights up at the mention of Gwen’s name.

“It’s twelve years actually, been married for eight. I’m a lucky bastard.”  
  
“Your wife’s lovely.”  
  
“She is”, Todd agrees immideately. “Would you do it again?”  
  
The question throws him off and the look of surprise brings a regretful expression on her brother’s face.

“Sorry, shouldn’t I have brought it up? Gwen told me about your previous situation. I mean not in detail, more like a short version. Fuck, I’m making it worse, aren’t I?”  
  
Todd’s rambling actually makes him a little less nervous as he lets out a low chuckle. “It’s all good, brother man. Yeah, I’d definitely do it again.”  
  
“With my sister.” He adds knowingly, but a hint of uncertainty in his voice.  
  
“Wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.”  
  
Her brother reaches out his hand for Blake to take in a thankful manner, his hand coming to pat him on the back a few times. Based on the reactions of her family, it wasn’t just Gwen who’s been put through the ringer and he can’t thank God enough for allowing him to be part of this group of people that care about her so deeply.

“Thank you man.”  
  
Blake’s voice is confident and genuine when he speaks. “I’ve got her.”  
  
The moment gets interrupted by a familiar voice, both men turning around to face her. Gwen’s face a touched one.  
  
“I see you’ve stolen my boyfriend.”  
  
Todd smiles smugly before drawing his attention back to Blake. “What can I say? I seem to have that effect on people.”  
  
“Talking about that, your wife is in desperate need of your presence. Dad is keeping her hostage in the kitchen again.”  
  
“ _Fuck_.” He mutters before turning to Blake. “That’s my cue, but it’s been great meeting you.” He offers one last handshake, before kissing his sister on the cheek. “Bring him over more often, sis.”  
  
She nods as he disappears back inside, while Gwen nestles deeply into Blake’s side. The air outside has gotten noticeably colder, Gwen’s body pressed to his suddenly good for more than just support, as he holds her even closer in her parent’s backyard.  
  
When she’s sure they’re left alone, she looks up to him with a huge smile on her face. “He seems to really like you.”  
  
“He’s awesome. Your family is awesome. Thank you for bringing me out here to meet them.”  
  
She raises her eyebrows in slight surprise. “You’re my boyfriend. Ofcourse you’re going to meet my family.”  
  
“You didn’t have to let me meet them so soon. You could’ve needed some more time to get used to the idea. Instead you included me from the start, you’ll never know how much that means to me.”  
  
He’s momentarily panicked when he finishes his train of thought out loud, but quickly falls into the safe environment Gwen’s presence creates.  
  
“ _Did she never_....”  
  
“No.” He deadpans, not letting her finish her question. “It was never like that with her.”  
  
She holds onto his side tighter, swaying them softly back and forth. He can tell his little admission broke her heart and the silence that lingers afterwards has him scared that maybe he’d been too honest, too vulnerable. When she finally looks up at him again, her eyes have welled up and her hands ball into little fists onto the hem of his shirt.  
  
“It’s crazy how much we can love the wrong person.” She muses out loud.  
  
“Love that isn't considerate and kind isn’t love at all. Its just an emotional attachment.”  
  
Her eyebrows raise in surprise at his words, maybe it’s the way he said them so simply, or maybe it’s the content she’s not fully buying, but he isn’t left in the dark too long.

“You really believe that?”  
  
“Attachments can be made out of selfishness. Love can’t.” He watches the word sink in as they resonate somewhere inside her, but she doesn’t seem fully convinced. “You taught me that actually.”  
  
She looks at him, without speaking any words. It shows him the moment she realizes he made this kind of brazen honesty his own and it reminds him of exactly how far he’s gotten. This is a personal growth that he owes to her; it’s one thing to see the truth reflected in her eyes when he looks at her, it’s another to completely live _in_ his truth.  
  
When love is allowed to permeate every action, influence every thought, guide every deed, it leads to an inner peace not attainable any other way. She’s the light in every dark night, shining brightly into each recess of his mind, igniting passions that would otherwise have died.  
  
“My dad just told me that I got myself a winner.” She whispers suddenly. “He’s never told me that before in my entire lifetime.”  
  
He looks down at her in pure amazement; the weight of her words heavy in his chest.  
  
“I wish I could’ve met your dad.”  
  
He pauses for a few seconds, the topic of his dad always a delicate one.

“He would’ve never said something like that, even though he’d probably feel it and then some.”  
  
“You guys weren’t close.”  
  
The statement doesn’t hurt, but it’s such an incredibly layered subject, it’s hard to explain, even to her. “It’s not even that. He was just a cold man. His feelings locked up somewhere deep inside.” He feels her hold onto him even tighter and that gesture seems to unlock another truth from him. “His parents used to be drunks. He spent his whole life running from any emotional attachments. I always grew up thinking my mom deserved better and I think he felt that.”  
  
“You’re nothing like him.”  
  
“I just choose the most perfect memory of him that I have and cling to it. In that moment he was the person he could’ve been, should’ve been, if it weren’t for the stresses of life. That’s the only version of his personality that I strive to be like.”  
  
Her eyes get glossy with tears but her emotion doesn’t worry him anymore; instead he realizes it comes from a place of love and admiration for him. It’s that level of sensitivy that he will never take for granted and will spent a lifetime to protect.  
  
“I’m so proud of you, Blake. I’m so proud to _know_ you.”  
  
It’s a compliment he hasn’t gotten much, maybe never, and he buries his face in her hair, placing a kiss on the top of her head before deciding to lighten up the mood a bit.  
  
“You know, you could kiss me right now to prove your earlier statement.”  
  
His words are spoken playfully,- both completely aware that he needs nothing but her to speak those words for him to fully believe them.  
  
“ _Mmmhhh_ ”, she pretends to contemplate his offer, linking their hands as she stands in front of him. “Maybe later.”  
  
“Screw that.” He says boldly before catching her lips in a brief but deep kiss.

As much as she was teasing before, he feels her comply and go with it completely, her fingers coming up to tug at his curls lightly before pecking his nose and taking back some of her space.  
  
“You’re impossible.” She slaps playfully at his chest, a giggle leaving her beautiful lips as she looks up to find a naughty grin plastered on his face.  
  
He can tell she’s playing though, her lips are still begging for him to lean in again and if they weren’t at her parent’s house with the risk of getting caught making out like a bunch of horny teenagers, he for sure would’ve.  
  
His body is hot with desire for her and he needs to rub a steady hand against the back of his neck to distract him from what he really wants to do. Luckily for him, Gwen doesn’t seem to be doing much better herself and her next words uncover the true state of her being.  
  
“Come on, let’s say goodbye to my family”, each syllable greatly emphasized. “I want to hang out with you alone now.”

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for @BitchLikeHomegirl. Thank you for all your lovely comments, girl! And thanks to everyone still reading!

The day went more than well and the party was one they could both agree on being a success. As much as he’d been scared out of his mind, her family had taken him in and accepted him in their hearts much quicker than expected. The ride home to his place afterwards was an almost blissful one.  
  
Gwen is taking off her make-up in his bathroom, her whole being vibrant as she’s glowing with love and gratitude; it’s her way of letting the relief wash over her and it’s the only indication of her having been equally as scared as him.  
  
The scene he’s finding himself in right now is much like the one he found himself in earlier, before they went to see her family; Gwen is off to another room, doing her thing, while he’s getting lost in thought while waiting for his girlfriend to make her way back to him. He finds her smiling once she does and his heart still flutters at the sight before him; her face is completely bare from any cosmetics her hair is falling down her face in soft curls, while she’s wearing nothing but some sleep short and one of his t-shirts. She looks divine, angelic and she’s _his_.  
  
“Will I ever get over the way you look?” He asks seriously, even though it retracts a loud giggle from her mouth.  
  
“You’re crazy, Blake Shelton.”  
  
She makes her way onto the bed, pulling aside the covers to cradle into the side of his body, his large arm coming around her as they sit with their backs against the headboard. “I know this might sound weird to you, but today was one of the best days of my life.”  
  
Her head turns to face him slowly, a soft smile gracing her lips, but her expression one of slight confusion and surprise. She makes a motion like she’s about to start talking but stops herself.  
  
Not sure about the reason he feels himself getting slightly nervous, so he decides to explain himself some more. “I just never felt so included is what I’m trying to say.”  
  
There was a soft glistering in her eyes that seemed to reflect the corners of her mouth, which were fighting a smile. Her gaze drips with an intensity that gives him shivers and wraps him up in a warm embrace all the same.  
  
“They _love_ you. I’m not surprised, but it’s definitely a nice change from what I’m used to.”  
  
Her words resonate with something deep inside of him, shaking the very core of his being. He doesn’t like to think about her situation before she’d met him, but every so often he finds himself wondering about how a person as sensitive as her, didn’t let the darkness of someone else swallow her up completely.  
  
He decides not to voice his thoughts out loud, just because he’s aware of his admiration for her to sometimes make her feel bashful. If it’s up to him, he’d shower her with compliments every second of the day, but he knows she’s not used to that and both have issues from the past they’ll never rush over.  
  
“My family has never been a fan of the people I brought home”, she says lowly. “In my defence, I’ve only ever brought two people home. _Three now._ ” She winks at him sweetly. “They’ve always been cordial with them, for my sake I guess, but it was always something they had to do for me. Liking my boyfriends was an obligation to them, never a reaction to the people they were. It took me a while to understand why that was, even after they all broke me.”  
  
He shakes his head at that final sentence. “You still didn’t understand after they broke your heart?”  
  
“In a way I always felt like it somehow had to have something to do with me. Maybe I wasn’t relationship material, or maybe I make people want to leave. I’m not sure.”  
  
Her words hurt but they’re not a stranger to him. It’s a feeling that’s way deeper than a couple words could ever solve, so he’s not even going to try. He knows he’ll have to show her different by example. “I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
She moves to straddle him under the covers in one swift movement, her hands falling on each side of his shoulders. “Thank you, Blake. I know you feel like I’m the one who did you a favour today, but you did much more than just shake my family’s hand and make a good impression. You really showed me how much you want this, _us_.”  
  
For a second he wonders if she had any doubts about that before this still, but her words are too beautiful and too genuine to raise any eyebrows at. He pushes his own insecurities to the side as his hands grip her hips.  
  
“I want you.”  
  
Three simple words, but they’re enough to cause her head to fall forward adorably in his neck. They don’t talk, just sit like that for a moment while the weight of the day seems to engulf them both.  
  
The conversation he had with her brother had stuck with him the most, the genuine concern but also harsh opinions about his sister’s previous relationship had been the real eye-opener here. He still finds himself sometimes feeling like their relationship is too much based around his weaknesses and he’s scared she doesn’t find the same comfort with him to lay all her burdens down.  
  
“Hey Gwen, can I ask you something about your ex.”

The words leave his lips almost hesitantly and he feels her tense up above him. The blunt way of asking surprised himself, but he figured the best way to address this was head on.  
  
“Uhm, yeah…”, she whispered while lifting her head from her previous resting place as she now looked him dead in the eye. “I suppose you can.”  
  
“It’s just…… you told me about the crazy fights you’d have, the cheating, the….”, he bites his lip nervously, “The miscarriage. I know about all that, but you never told me why you stayed that long. He really put you through the wringer, and not just you but also your family...”  
  
He trails off when he sees her eyes squint and some of the tension he felt escaping her body earlier came rushing back. “Is this what you and my brother talked about?”  
  
He realizes quickly that there’s no point in denying this, so he nods carefully, trying to keep up with her thought processes.  
  
“Blake, you need to understand that my brother has always been too overprotective of me. I guess he still remembers that passive, naïve high school girl I used to be and hasn’t really grasped the fact that I’m a grown up now. He’s actually younger then me but he’s always been this protective and crazy loyal.”  
  
“It felt like he had legit reasons to be.”  
  
“Not saying he hadn’t. It just might be a bit exaggerated in his mind.”  
  
He doesn’t want to push her, but the thought of her holding something back was nagging at him profoundly. He let the silence lingering between them caress his skin like a cool summer breeze, smoothing at his worries as he tried to get rid of these thoughts running through his head.  
  
“Baby, you’re worried about something that isn’t there.” Her hand came to stroke his cheek in a gentle manner, her voice sounding comforting and soft, just like the hand contacting his skin.   
  
“I can’t help it, Gwen.” His voice finally finding some more strength. “I haven’t been in your life that long, but you’ve lived an entire lifetime without me. I can’t be there for you the way I intend to be if I don’t know what to be there for.”  
  
She sucks in a breath at his words, her hand stilling her movements on his cheek but keeping them there nonetheless.

“Blake, you know everything about me.”  
  
“Would you tell me if there was anything else?”  
  
“Yes. I’d tell you anything.” After a couple more shared looks, she breaks the silence one more time to convince him. “My brother has always been scared about Gavin one day doing something that was gonna cause us to lose more than just our relationship, you know? He’s never going to forgive him for what happened and that must’ve been what you saw earlier while talking to him. That’s all I can come up with, do you believe me?”  
  
The question at the end throws him off, her words making a shiver run up his spine all the while also being incredibly grateful for her trust.  
  
“I’m sorry, Gwen. I just got really worried for a second and sometimes I just can’t believe you chose me to open your heart up to. There’s always this underlying fear of things being too good to be true and _you Gwen_ , you are without a doubt way too good for me.”  
  
His words have barely left his mouth before she leans into him and captures his lips with her own, moaning into his mouth as he reciprocates with the same intensity. He flips them around roughly when she grinds down on him knowingly. With her back on the matrass and his body plastered on top of hers, every pretence disappears.  
  
He makes love to her for hours that night, watching her fall of that cliff numerous times; taking every single one of his worries with her.  
  
  
  
  
  
The day has been pretty uneventful so far, but there was this sunken feeling in his stomach he just couldn’t seem to shake. Maybe it was the amazing day he had yesterday, or the heaviness of his attachment to Gwen starting to weigh at him, but something was just off. Gwen had been doing her own thing mostly, while occasionally coming to him for some hugs and kisses, while trying to include him in her daily activities. It wasn’t strange for them to have these kind of days, he actually liked the fact that they didn’t need to be attached to the hip at all times. Gwen has always been fiercely independent and both had lives of their own they had to get back to, which both of them understood and encouraged.  
  
But his alone-time left him with plenty of opportunities to think and getting lost in thoughts almost never ends well for him. Yesterday’s activities were playing like a film in his mind and the sudden angst about the seriousness of the situation has a way of messing things up. One of the most obvious things he didn’t care to think about yesterday, was the fact that her brother’s kids weren’t there. He remembers that night where Gwen showed up sad and defeated on his porch after seeing them that one day and he can’t help but wonder if that’s related. Did Gwen think he couldn’t handle it? Was she afraid to share with him that she couldn’t? Will the kid subject always be a thing between them?  
  
Lost in his train of thought, he doesn’t even hear Gwen come into the kitchen. He’s not aware of her presence until he feels a soft hand sliding over his shoulder, a sweet smile being thrown his way as they lock eyes. He tries hard not to ruin the mood, but his heart is heavy with unwelcomed thoughts. He watches as she gets herself something out of his fridge and shakes his head quickly when she offers him something; his mood obvious but she doesn’t confront it.  
  
For a reason unknown to him, he just needs her to and her almost dismissiveness of his state of being annoys him.  
  
“The kids weren’t there.”  
  
Her posture changes noticeably at his words, but she doesn’t turn around. She shrugs softly and he can tell she knows exactly what he means before he even has to elaborate.  
  
“Jen said they were having a sleepover with her side of the family. Besides, it was more of a grown-up’s party anyways.”  
  
He tries telling himself to let it go, but the defiant voice in his head screams louder, so he goes for it again. “Yeah”, he waits a couple seconds to get her attention and when she finally turns to face him, he continues. “I just thought that maybe…. since the last time you went there and you came back pretty sad, that maybe they’d, _I don’t know_ , did it on purpose?”  
  
He wills himself not to freak out as she flashes him an almost offended glance. “My niece and nephew don’t make me sad. I love seeing them.”  
  
She sounds defensive and her facial expression is pleading with him to let it go and drop this conversation that’s so obviously leading to something bad.  
  
He doesn’t know what makes him say it and the look on her face when he does makes him regret it instantly. “Just not that day?”  
  
“So I had a bad day.” She admits. “Blake, why are you doing this?”  
  
“I hate him, you know that? I hate him for doing what he did to you.”  
  
Tears spring into her eyes and she shakes her head desperately to will them back. She takes a few steps towards him, resting her elbows on the table where he’s sitting.

“Don’t do this to yourself”, she whispers.  
  
“Why don’t you say it back?” He asks almost frustrated, ignoring her previous words. “Why aren’t you angry, _you deserve to be._ ” He almost hisses the words to her and he mentally curses himself for going there once again.  
  
She doesn’t seem too upset by the delivery of his words, but the reasons for his words seem to destroy her. He looks away eventually, but can still feel the heat of her gaze on his skin.  
  
“You gotta let it go, Blake.”

He’s up on his feet in an instant, her words only adding to his frustration as he feels the need to walk it out. He’s not sure if they’re still talking about her or him, but it doesn’t matter because the answer stays the same. “I can’t.”  
  
He can tell she’s battling herself on whether to stand her ground or back down, but when he watches her jaw clench as the tiniest sigh leaves her lips, he knows she’s made her decision.  
  
“You’re still angry.”  
  
“You damn right I am.” He’s sick and tired of having to pretend like he’s not sick with rage every time he thinks of _her_. Of what she took from him.  
  
“How many more times are you going to let her destroy good things?”  
  
The vein in his neck nearly popped out of his skin at her words, the first-time anger directed at the woman in front of him nearly maddening. “Excuse me?”  
  
“She took something from you, Blake. Not just something, but someone. And I’m so sorry, but….”, her voice is small but there’s no hint of hesitation there. “You can’t keep using it as an excuse to close off.”  
  
Every muscle in his body felt tense, the expression on his face a cold one, as all the emotions going on in his head couldn’t possibly find their right settlement on his features. He knows Gwen means well, she always does, but there are certain things she can’t ever understand, just for the sole reason that she won’t let her heart go there.  
  
“I could describe everything perfectly, but you still wouldn’t listen. I can stand here and explain everything to you all damn day, but you still wouldn’t get it.” He nearly hisses.  
  
Her eyes get watery and the sight of her crying will never get easier. This time he’s not stepping into her personal space to offer comfort, though. Instead he watches as she fights a painful-looking battle with her tears, muffling a cuss word as she loses.  
  
“How could you say that to me, Blake?” She whispers. “How can you say that like I don’t know _exactly_ what kind of pain you’re talking about?”  
  
He shakes his head determinately; he knows he’s right and that’s a painful truth on its own.  
  
“Cause you don’t know. You know loss, but you don’t know hatred.”  
  
She huffs at his words dismissively, shaking her head furiously. “ _Right_ ”, she spits. “Because knowing my ex-husband added stress that contributed to my loss, sure didn’t make me hate him.”  
  
His face has become rigid, his jaw clamped tightly and his breathing uneven to his own ears. He knows his next words would be better left unsaid, but he can’t help but utter them anyways.  
  
“I don’t think it did.”  
  
He stares at her as she closes the distance between their bodies and he knows she’s suppressing the urge to slam her hands against his chest; he’s almost surprised when she doesn’t. The silence and anger she’s looking at him with feel almost worse than anything she could’ve done physically, his hands becoming undeniably sweaty under her long gaze.  
  
“ _You must’ve lost your damn mind_.” She whispers her words, but he’s never head her that aggressive before. “After everything I’ve told you, everything I’ve showed you, _that’s_ what you tell me? I should slap you for being such an inconsiderate ass.”  
  
He takes her sharp words as they come, his reactions minimum, but when she hisses one last insult his way, his patience snaps. He’s blinded by a bitterness that is entirely not hers to accept, but every sane bone in his body seems to be in the process of breaking and her words do nothing but add to his control slipping.  
  
“You don’t hate people, Gwen. You let people hurt you and get rid of your anger before it can turn into something toxic. You don’t know what I’m feeling when I say I hate her, you might want to but you can’t. And you _hate_ it, you hate it because you’re guilty you can’t even properly hate the guy who killed your unborn child.”  
  
She gives him an incredulous look before the much-expected slap comes; the sound bounces off the walls around them and then she’s crying, -not like the few escaped tears before-, this is the kind of sobbing he’d promised himself he’d never be responsible for.  
  
He’s never seen the contrast of vulnerable and aggressive this clear; she’s uncontrollably lost in her own emotions, but still spits venom with every word she speaks to him. He can’t even make out most of them, just a series of breathy and chocked off words, intended to lessen her hurt.  
  
“You’re disgusting”, she pushes at his chest again and he lets her. Just like he lets her get everything out. “Forgive me for trying to be happy. Forgive me for not wanting my life to be one dark abyss.”  
  
_Forgive me for asking too much of your heart._ It’s what she doesn’t say, but it’s what he hears, what he sees in her eyes.  
  
He wants to apologize for a darkness he can’t seem to break. He wants to apologize for running from her over and over again, but never with his legs. He wants to be better for her, just like the first night they met; his thoughts of that day running violently in his head: _He wants to be this great guy she meets at a bar, who makes her life better_.  
  
Right now, she’s looking at him like how he feels, disgusted. It’s a reaction he understands, but can’t bear to be the recipient of any longer. He watches her in silence for a while, rubbing his knuckles down his scruffy cheeks as he contemplates his next move; hopefully one that’ll direct them out of this mess.  
  
“Gwen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…- “  
  
“Please don’t apologize to me right now.” She cuts him off expertly.  
  
He takes one step closer to her, his breath stuttering in surprise when she takes one back. “Can you please listen to me.” He pleads desperately. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”  
  
If he hadn’t heard his own words come out of his mouth, he would’ve thought nothing was said, - her expression never changing one bit.  
  
“No, you shouldn’t have.”  
  
Her voice sounds guarded, like she’s dead set on not letting another inconsiderate word leave her lips, but in the process shutting him out from every emotion, every feeling she’s feeling. It’s so uncharacteristic, -it shatters something deep inside of him-, while also giving him a glimpse of what he must be like for her.  
  
When she turns around like she’s about to leave, he feels the despair land in his gut like bricks, the blood draining from his face once he realizes what she’s about to do.  
  
“Gwen, wait.” He grabs at her wrist in a frantic attempt to stop her, halt her movements, but instead she jerks her arm back and shoots him a warning glance. “Let go of me, Blake.”  
  
He complies even though the motion makes him feel like throwing up. His hands itch to reach out for her again when she takes more steps away from him, but he’s frozen in place; giving her what she wants, only moments too late.  
  
“Please stay.” He’s never one to beg, definitely not when it comes to girlfriends, his voice doesn’t even sound like his when he does.  
  
His words halt her momentarily as she seems to contemplate her actions. The silence that follows is a toxic one; it hangs in the air like a gaping void, needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything. It’s poisonous in its nothingness and emphasizes the heaviness of the conversation that led to this.  
  
“This is what you want, right?” She stares at him blankly, but her voice betrays the overwhelming emotions as it cracks. “Me admitting that I was wrong and you were right”, her tears don’t even faze her anymore, her tongue darting out quickly to lick over her cracked lips, “You told me there wasn’t anything good to find here, remember?”  
  
He knows what’s coming, but nothing could prepare him for the sinking feeling that hits when she delivers the final blow.  
  
“I think you were right.”  
  
The sound of the door closing behind her causes a wave of nausea to hit him as he looks to the wall for stability, his hand slipping along the surface as his head bows down to the ground; as his vision gets blurry with tears and love he’s in the process of losing, he can’t help but think about how much he needs a drink.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry....


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick update as promised. I promise I’m not evil.

He’s not sure about how much time has passed, he’s not even sure if he’s still awake or finding himself in an unswayable nightmare. He’d gripped the wall so tightly for support earlier, his palms are now sore and burning and the only relief he got was when he sank down to the floor, relieving his hands from their task.  
  
Heartbreak hasn’t been foreign to him, but this reaction is one he has never had to endure. His initial pain would get drowned out by drinking, so his first sober reaction wouldn’t be as raw as this one. Without his vice to run back to, he feels everything so vividly it makes him nauseous and upset at the same time. The world was rocking beneath him, his mind was drifting in and out like the tide and his vision wavered, but there was one thing he was sure of: she walked out on him, but he’s still trying to make her proud.  
  
With a strength, he didn’t know he possessed, he drags himself towards the kitchen area; his throat burning and desperately needing some relief. When he reaches for a glass in the sink, he tries not to think about how Gwen has been in there less than a few hours ago, doesn’t try to think about how he has woken up to her making coffee in here a hundred times, doesn’t try to think about how he’s made love to her right there on the kitchen table.  
  
The ice-cold water running down his throat feels like one of the greatest luxuries when he lets it go down slowly, his fingers sliding on the condensation before regaining their grip around the glass. There’s a weird numbness in his brain after all the content is drained and he’s not sure if it’s because he drank too fast or he’s in the process of shutting himself off. Knowing him and knowing his luck, it’s probably the latter.  
  
He lets himself slide down the walls of his kitchen before colliding with the floor with a soft thud. Slumber seems to try and take him down a few times, but he fights it for no other reason than wanting to feel something, anything. Numbness is something he’s way too familiar with, letting it burn is new. Yet when he feels particular cravings get undeniably worse, he lessens his defences and sleep is as instantaneous as its unwelcome.  
  
When he wakes up, it’s because of a strange sound at his door, almost like someone is carefully using their key to click his lock open and his heart almost beats out of his chest; he forgot he gave Gwen a key right before he went and met her family, as a sign of inclusion on his part. He wants to get up and move towards the sound of the door creaking open, but his body feels heavy and he slumps back after a minor attempt.  
  
His eyes are still trying to adjust to the light that’s now shining through the windows and he realizes he must’ve slept for a while, because any trace of the night has completely vanished. He hears footsteps coming closer to him and then a nervous, timid voice:  
  
“Blake?”  
  
He wants to cry at the sound or maybe laugh at the surrealness of it all, but his throat is dry and he can’t do anything but close his eyes as a rebel tear makes its way down his cheek.  
  
“ _Blake_ ”, she breathes again when she spots him in the corner of his kitchen. She doesn’t say anything else, neither does he, she just stands in front of him while her hands softly land on his shoulders. She tries to urge him to look up, -he knows this-, but he feels so broken, so defeated right now, his eyes stay closed and his head is still pointed to the ground beneath him.  
  
He feels more than he sees her lower down in front of him, her knees now holding her up as her hand lands on the rough skin on his tears-stained cheek. “Blake, you’re scaring me. Did you…...”,

She doesn’t finish her sentence and he opens his eyes just in time to see her scan his kitchen island and he suddenly knows why she’s here.  
  
“No bottles.” His voice is hoarse and small as he winces in pain, his throat killing him. “I didn’t drink.”  
  
She shudders a deep breath in, while exhaling brokenly. He finally finds the strength to look up at her and the pain and worry portrayed on her face makes him want to close his eyes instantly. Her hand never leaves his cheek and he automatically starts leaning into her touch, his next words being a bright contrast to the move.  
  
“You don’t have to be here, Gwen.”  
  
She pauses before inching closer to him, both hands now cradling his face as she ushers his head so he has no choice but to look straight at her. “Let’s not talk about this now. I want to get you into bed, can you do that for me?”  
  
Her words surprise him, but he has no fight left in him to deny her request. He panics momentarily when she puts an arm underneath his shoulder and starts pulling him up, her other arm resting on the wall behind them for stability. He’s leaning on her heavily and he shoots her a worried look, afraid he’s crushing her.  
  
She shoots down his concern immediately. “It’s fine. I got you.”  
  
He doesn’t know why she still showers him with warmth, the reasons for her being here being clear yet foggy; she wanted to see if he didn’t drink himself into oblivion, but there’s no reason for her to stay after seeing that he didn’t. She doesn’t need to nurture him, yet she’s helping him up the stairs and out of his clothes, pulling back the duvet so he can position himself underneath it.  
  
He wants to ask her so many questions, most importantly to stay, but his eyes close by default as soon as he hits the comforter and he can do nothing but let his aching bones and burning eyes rest, while hoping she’s still here when he regains consciousness.  
  
  
  
  
The last rays of the late afternoon sun fell slanting through his window, the remaining stiffness of his body still present as he lays beneath the soft fabric of his covers. It takes him a few moments to remember how he even got here, before flashes of the night before start haunting him. He scans the room briefly for her presence but when her realizes he’s alone, he slumps back to his previous position, taking this time to his advantage and closing his eyes once more.  
  
Sleep doesn’t seem to be an option anymore though, as the knowledge of Gwen possibly being downstairs works as the best incentive to stay awake. Never before has he had someone care enough to push aside any strands of pride, just to make sure he wasn’t going off in the deep end. He hates thinking back to _her_ , or the fucked-up years he went through before he met Gwen, but his mind often plays ugly tricks on him and he can’t seem to escape these thoughts, - whether they’re destructive or revealing.  
  
Gwen deserved better. That was one thought he could agree on and declare as truthful. She’s never anything but honest with him and he shouldn’t have pushed her about something, maybe the only thing, that’s sometimes too painful for her to talk about. He knows how she gets, knows that she needs her time to collect her thoughts sometimes before coming to him with it, but she always does. He was feeling out of control yesterday, his thoughts running away from him and by dominating that conversation he tried to gain back some of that control. It was selfish and destructive and now he might never get the opportunity to tell her that. _Fix things_. She might be here just to take care of him, make sure he’ll be alright for when she leaves permanently and it hurt to admit she would be justified in doing so.  
  
The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs put a pause to his thoughts and the door pushing open softly made him move again as he turned around to watch her enter his room carefully, as she figured he might still be sleeping. She smiles at him when she sees his eyes are open and fixated on her and she moves to open the curtains slightly, letting some light illuminate the room. Her right hand is occupied with a steamy hot liquid that he later identifies as tea and he waits patiently for her stop pacing. She places the steamy cup on his nightstand and takes a few steps backwards, before her gaze locks with his’s again.  
  
“I made you some tea.” She whispers.  
  
“ _Thank you_.” He replies hoarsely, his throat still affected from the night before.  
  
He watches as she turns around and his heart drops at the thought of her walking out once more, but he’s pleasantly surprised when she just goes to push his door shut and makes her way back to the bed, patting the covers in front of him, indicating she wants to sit.  
  
He moves back swiftly, creating enough space for her to be comfortable and there’s a strange sensation that comes over him when he feels the bed dip slightly as she takes place on his matrass, her back turned to him. She seems nervous, her hands toying with the fabric of her sleeves as she contemplates on what to do next.  
  
Desperate to break the silence, he knows he’ll have to wait this one out.  
  
“You slept most of the day away”, she says while her eyes flash to the alarm on his nightstand.  
  
“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” She retorts quickly. “You needed it.”  
  
“ _Gwen_...”  
  
“You’re right.” She cuts him off before he’s able to get any more words in. “Sometimes I do feel guilty about losing her. I feel guilty because I’ve always known nothing good could come from that relationship, yet I loved him too much to leave. Sometimes I feel like my weakness for him is what helped cause that miscarriage.”  
  
His heart breaks as he watches her body tense up in pain and embarrassment and he needs to fight the urge to reach out to her when he hears her sniffle, but he stays put and doesn’t utter a word.  
  
“I don’t know why the kids weren’t there at that party, maybe they really did just happen to have a sleepover or maybe there were some alternative motives, - I don’t know. That day on your porch was a bad day altogether; it was right before my wedding anniversary and my parents and I had a tough conversation. There were more things in play than just _that_.”  
  
Her breathing quickened slightly, barely enough to notice but he did. Her hands wandered through her blonde hair as she went to face him completely. “I don’t keep things from you, Blake. I know it’s impossible for you to believe, but I actually really like sharing things with you. I just don’t want to talk about darkness when it isn’t there and that day with my family…... it just wasn’t there.”  
  
He feels himself tense up at her words a little bit, never wanting to be the one to bring darkness into places where it’s not, especially not when it comes to her life. “I’m so sorry, Gwen.”  
  
She doesn’t reply right away and she doesn’t dismiss his apology either.

“I just want you to trust me”, she whispers. Her hands fall desperately into her lap and he can see the hurt in her eyes before she adverts her gaze away from him.  
  
“I do.”  
  
“ _Really trust me_. Trust me to be real with you. Trust in us that things can be good and there doesn’t always have to be an underlying catch waiting to bite us in the ass.”  
  
After everything he expected her to say, it wasn’t that, but he bathes in the truthfulness of the statement; he’s terrified he’s getting used to something that just isn’t his to have.  
  
“I don’t mean to…. I just don’t know how to fix this, Gwen.”  
  
When her hand tentatively slides up to his under the covers, her soft skin gracing the rough one on his palms, it’s enough for his whole body to erupt in shivers. He doesn’t think she realizes how much the gesture means to him, but it’s something he thought he’d never feel again. “I love you. I love _us_ and I love what we have, but I can’t fix this for you either.”  
  
_I can’t fix you_. Is what she doesn’t say.  
  
“I don’t think you need to be fixed, Blake. I just think you need to allow there to be nothing to fix.”  
  
He didn’t even realize he said the words out loud, her words shocking him as he squeezes down softly on her hand. The movement doesn’t go unnoticed, but to his surprise she doesn’t retract her hand, just smiles gently.  
  
Her brown eyes were soft but there was a fear there that he takes full responsibility for. No matter her own personal struggle, she didn’t fail to exude that look that could just calm him down; it illuminates his own darkness’s and fears, while all the hatred, failures and disappointments of his past –linger at a steady distance. It was like being reminded of wounds eventually turning into scars, not being forced to live in the shadow of what has been.  
  
“I love you and I’m sorry. I feel like all I do is apologize to you and you deserve better than that.’  
  
“I want you. But I can’t handle it if you keep tossing me little parts of you, waiting for me to catch them and wait for whenever you’re ready to hand me some more. I want all of you, but I understand if that’s too much for right now. Maybe we just need to…- “  
  
“Please don’t say what you’re about to say.” He chokes out with difficulty. “ _Please_.”  
  
The sudden drop of tears on his bedsheets surprise him as he looks up to find Gwen wiping at the moisture underneath her eyes. Without thinking, his thumb goes to swipe some of the remaining tears away as she leans in a little closer into him.  
  
“The thought of losing you…” He has to stop himself as the emotion threatens to overtake his voice, “You’re the most important thing in my life, Gwen. I can’t lose you.”  
  
“I don’t want you to lose me.”  
  
It’s stupid really how fast this woman in front of him has been able to balm his heart and bring love and laughter back into his life after a time of nothing but despair. She’s brought him back in more ways than one and all he wants is another chance to be that same beacon for her.  
  
“Tell me I didn’t just permanently ruin things, Gwen.”  
  
She nuzzles into the palm of his hand that’s currently gracing she side of her face, placing a soft kiss on his fingers before she pulls away. Her eyes look tired and her face is still filled with concern for him; he can’t be bothered to think about what he must look like to her right now, all that he cares about is the answer she’s about to provide him with. The energy around him suddenly feels more nervous than it has been before; it tingles through his body like electrical sparks, gathering in his lower stomach, his legs, all the way to his toes.  
  
Her voice is soft when she finally speaks.

“I can’t answer that right now, Blake. I just need some time to think about things.”  
  
It’s not what he wants to hear, but everything’s better than just a plain ‘yes’ so he tries to count his blessings before answering. “Okay.”  
  
“I know it’s not what you want to hear right now, but I can’t lie to you. I still want you, it’s never that…”  
  
“…. It’s whether you can believe if I still want this.”  
  
She nods in careful agreement before getting up, letting his hand slide off her face in the process. “Just get some more rest. I’ll be back with dinner later. We can talk some more then, okay?”

The urge to pull her back, cradle her against his body under the covers while pouring every apology onto her skin is overwhelmingly strong and he feels the struggle of containment in every muscle in his body, yet he keeps his hands right where they are, watching as Gwen takes careful strides away from the bed. Away from him.  
  
She’s connected to a part of him others never feel, or even see; she saw a part of his soul he usually never lets out of the bag and her reactions to him were always pure. It’s a painful realization that it took him this kind of damage to erase all doubts about that. He wants another chance more than he wants to see the next morning, but all he can do is wait for her to make up her mind, to once again pick up the pieces a man left her in.  
  
“Gwen?”  
  
With her hand already on the doorknob, she turns around to face him once more; her soft smile genuine but also painful. “Yes, Blake?”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
She dugs her head down to the floor and he’s almost certain it’s because his words are close to bringing her to tears again. Her hand tightens around the knob even more, if the reddening of her soft hands is any indication, and he waits with his heartbeat hammering in his chest. When she finally lifts her head up to look at him, he’s met with the softest smile and a hint of guilt in them; nodding towards the nightstand beside his bed, she finally speaks:  
  
“Don’t forget your tea.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

He descends the stairs after realizing he slept even more hours away after she’d called him downstairs for dinner. She hadn’t been rude or cold in any way, but she was guarded and significantly more quiet as she sat in front of him at the kitchen table. It was tense, it wasn’t them and it was a painful reminder of where they stand as a couple. Even that term is a question mark now.  
   
He had helped her clean up, even reached out for her arm when she went to do the dishes, telling her not to, with a gentle hand on her arm and shake of his head. She had bitten her lip at the slight touch and then moved away knowingly, dismissing his efforts as she made it clear she needed this time to clear her head. Not wanting to argue with that, he’d given in and made his way back to bed, partially because of her request, partially because the tense atmosphere continued to drain him from his energy.  
   
It’s deep into midnight when he stirs again and the darkness of the room had startled him momentarily; his eyes were confused and slightly dazzled, not expecting to be out for that long once again. After a few moments of adjusting and light grunts as he’s shaking off the final pieces of slumber, he pulls the robe from the hanger on the opposite wall and covers his semi-naked body before heading downstairs.  
   
It’s a strange feeling when he finds himself nervous in his own home, nervous to face _her_. If she’s even still here.  
   
The living room is slightly better illuminated than his bedroom, causing his eyes to take less time to adjust to the darkness, as he tries to make out her features. His heart swells up in his chest at the sight of her curled up under a blanket on his couch and his first instinct is to wake her up and take her upstairs; she’s always cold and that blanket is thinner than blood, she must be freezing.  
   
He takes some time to collect himself before taking tentative steps towards the kitchen, trying his best not to wake her as he figures out what to do next. The blackness of the room and the almost hopeless situation they’re in engulfing his thoughts, stretching out in front of him like a map, the unknown growing his fears, but also his determination. He knows she’s probably just as tired as he is, and he should be better, but he also has enough self-reflection skills to know he’s probably going wake her up.  
   
He downs a glass of water as he nervously ticks on the kitchen sink, before setting his glass down a tad too harshly, causing Gwen to silently moan from her place on the couch; turned out it was just that as she didn’t wake up fully. He walked over to the couch once again, crouching down in front of her as he gently nudges her awake.  
   
As she rises from her unconsciousness, she seems to take a couple seconds to take in her surroundings before realizing he’s there. He’s met with a gentle smile, the deep slumber he just pulled her out of erasing the memories of their current state briefly, but it ends way too soon as her smile fades and nerves take over her sleepy features.  
   
“Blake. Is everything okay?”  
   
it’s a question he doesn’t want to answer right now, because nothing is okay. He knows it’s not what she means though and he doesn’t want to worry her more than he already has, so he just smiles in an attempt to ease her mind. “Don’t worry. I just wanted to check on you.”  
   
Her hands move to push her blanket down slightly as she slowly starts to sit up, her hand coming to rub over her eyes a few times. “What time is it?”  
   
“Around two-thirty.”  
   
As if on cue, a yawn escapes her, which she goes to quickly cover up.  
   
“I don’t want you sleeping on the couch.” His voice is firm but gentle, convincing but not pushy. “You’ll wake up sore all over, not to mention it’s freezing here.”  
   
Gwen runs a soft hand through her hair three times in quick succession and her voice is a timid whisper as she speaks.

“I’m alright, Blake.”  
   
He doesn’t know what to say or what to do, he just wants her upstairs. He wants her somewhere where he can see her, _feel_ her presence; know she’s not fully decided on kicking him to the curb.

The cruellest thing about everything might be how he experienced the best days of his life prior to this disaster, which only emphasizes the shit hole they’re currently finding themselves in.  
   
He shakes his head about to say something when she moves up even further, causing the blanket to completely uncover the top of her body. He stops himself before any words were even able to come out, as he realizes she’s wearing that tiny nightgown she left in his closet after one of the very first nights she had stayed over. She must’ve gotten that from his room when he was asleep earlier.  
   
Suddenly unable to help himself, he stands up and pets the back of the couch.

“Come on, get up. You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on here.”  
   
She makes a face like she’s about to object but she stands up anyways. “Blake, you barely fit on this couch to begin with. You can’t sleep here.”  
   
He helps her up and retracts his hand before she might feel awkward, the motion almost looking like a flinch and he can see the sadness in her eyes. If he had the energy, he’d tell her it wasn’t that, won’t ever be that, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes his place on the couch, moving back the blanket as he demonstrates his position on this fucking couch, he now officially hates.  
   
“See, it’s fine. I’ve slept out here plenty of times before you came along, I can handle one more night.”  
   
His words were supposed to give her relief but a flash of guilt painted her face as she let out a shaky sigh. She turns around towards the stairs, but stops herself after a few steps. Blake watches her stand there, not sure what she needs right now and that alone could kill him. He hates being the reason for her emotional struggle and the regret is much like mental torture; residue that’s impossible to remove, sticking to him like an indelible stain on his cerebral cortex.  
   
“You can come upstairs with me.” She turns around as she softly speaks the words into the living room air, but she doesn’t look at him. “I mean you can lay with me. I don’t mind.”  
   
He stares at her in silence, her words much like Band-Aid’s to his wounds but her fragile posture and weak voice causing him to stay put. He wants nothing more than to get up and follow her upstairs, but he has been selfish enough and she deserves whatever she needs.  
   
“You don’t have to say that, Gwen.” He says softly.  
   
She shudders in a breath and shakes her head. “Can you just……... _Please_?”  
   
His eyes widen in surprise and his heart stammers in his chest when she lifts her head to look up at him with glossy eyes. He hates seeing her cry and he hates himself for being the reason behind her tears. What hurts the most is that these eyes are the same perfect brown ones that he spent so many hours getting lost in, only now they’re looking at him with a hint of sorrow and a whole lot of sadness.  
   
“Gwen, baby, you don’t have to…...”, he shakes his head before finally getting up and catching up to her in a few strides. “……ofcourse, I just want you to be comfortable.”  
   
With a gentle hand on her back he leads her upstairs, accidently walking into her as she stops dead in her tracks at his bedroom door. He rubs a hand at the back of his head as he waits her out.  
   
“I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.”  
   
Without meaning to, he lands his hand gently on her shoulder before squeezing softly.“You’re not. It’s just sleeping, Gwen. I promise.”  
   
His words seem to be enough confirmation for now as she pushes his door open and finds her way to her side of the bed. He tries to contain the smile that threatens to take over his features as she so automatically does so, but he doesn’t want her to think anything other than what he promised; he’s taking this as slow as she possibly needs.  
   
Situated under the covers, he makes sure to keep a respectable amount of distance between their bodies, his head facing her back as he takes in her small frame. It’s definitely not the same as it used to be, but he can’t deny that even having her closer in proximity calms down a lot of his anxiety.  
   
He tries closing his eyes, taking advantage of the more peaceful he’s felt in the last 48 hours, hoping that he could find some relief in the dark, knowing she’s close by. He hasn’t been able to close his eyes for more than thirty seconds, before Gwen’s small voice cuts through the silence.

“Can you hold me?”  
   
Something in his throat catches at her words. “Are you sure?”  
   
“I want you to.”  
   
He scoots closer to her, being the bigger spoon as his arm drapes over her side, resting lightly on her stomach. He knows she can feel his breath on her neck when he speaks.

“Is this okay?”  
   
She doesn’t give him an audible answer, but when her soft hand covers his planted on her stomach, she tells him what words can’t.  
   
   
 

The next day almost begins normal; he stirs awake with Gwen laying in his arms, her soft breathes the only sound to be heard in the dimly lit room. But the moment she wakes, she’s back to taking her distance again and as much as he understands, -even tries to comply-, he can’t shake the undeniable urge to ask her, _beg her_ , to go back to her normal ways with him.  
   
She has gotten herself showered and dressed, taking a lot longer than usual, as he went to make himself breakfast. He’d offered to make some for the both of them, but she’d shot down that idea with only a few words and shy gaze downward. He has no right to be upset about this; he drove her away himself, he has to face the consequences. The not knowing is close to breaking him up though, the cruelty of being stuck between hopefulness and despair an awful scary feeling. The rejection will hurt far worse after getting plenty of time to get familiar with the thought of possible happiness.  
   
When she finally emerges from wherever she’s been for over an hour, he’s already finished with the dishes, before silently switching channels on the television; his restlessness palpable everywhere.  
   
He takes notice of her presence immediately and moves his gaze away from the screen to look at her. “I was getting worried I had to come in there and save you for a second.”  
   
There’s a small smile that graces her lips at his attempt of a joke, but he can tell he’s not getting more than that from her.

“I’m leaving, Blake.”  
   
She must’ve seen the terrified look on his face, cause she almost stumbles over her words trying to explain them.  
   
“Not forever. I just meant I’m leaving right now, going back to my own place.” She takes a few deep breathes in. “Leaving here, not leaving _you_.”  
   
He takes a few moments to take in her words and he’s up and walking towards her before he knows it. He wants to give her space so badly, but right now he just can’t do it. He stops right in front of her, his body so close to hers, there’s not one step left between them.  
   
“Are you sure about that?”, he asks softly. “About not leaving me.”  
   
She’s not looking at him, - a reoccurring thing these days-, as he hears her inhale softly. “I’m not really sure about anything.”  
   
“Gwen, listen to me. Look at me”, his hand reaches out to her face, aligning their gazes, but she moves against the grip of his hand, causing it to drop. “Gwen, please.”  
   
“I can’t.” She whispers.  
   
“Why not?”  
   
“Cause I won’t be able to leave.” Her voice breaks as her eyes are still adverted to the ground.  
   
“Then stay.”  
   
She shakes her head. It’s painful to see her struggle like this, her emotions always being something she felt comfortable showing, but now it seems like she doesn’t know what do with herself.  
   
“Gwen, if I could somehow go back in time and undo that night, I would.”  
   
“But you _can’t_.” She whispers, her sniffling getting louder again.  
   
“But we can start over.”  
   
“Can we?” His heart shatters in a million pieces when she finally looks up at him; her expression is fearful and she looks nervous, like she doesn’t know what to expect and it hits him hard when he realizes she probably doesn’t.  
   
“You want to know why I think we can?” She starts interrupting him, but he ignores her which quiets her objections. “You’re _that_ person for me, Gwen. I know that probably sounds crazy after what just happened, but I love you in a way I never thought I could love another person. You love me in a way I never thought anyone could love me. Being with you is like a dream and sometimes I panic when I realize this is reality, because reality has never been that good to me, so I run. I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I promise you I’m trying. I also promise I know that’s not enough and it won’t happen again. I promised myself I would take care of you and I promised your brother. I’m promising the same thing to you now, Gwen. We’ve got something worth fighting for here.”  
   
Suddenly her defences seem to crumble like paper being drenched by raindrops, her chest heaving up and down rapidly before she melts into his form completely. Her hands wrap around his torso, as his fold around her back, drawing her in closer. He feels her body shake against his chest as she cries for all the words they can’t undo and the tension of the last two days. When her breathing evens out after a couple minutes and she lifts her head to face him, he wipes at some of the moisture on her face with a calloused finger.  
   
His hand lingers on her cheek for a while as she ponders on what to say next.

“Where do we even go from here?” She sniffs.  
   
“What do you need?”  
   
It feels almost unfair to ask, but not asking feels even worse. He watches as she nuzzles her head against the hand that’s still cradling her face, her soft breathes warming his skin there.  
   
“I don’t want things to be too different.” She admits.  
   
He hesitantly pulls her face closer to his, so he can rest his forehead against hers before whispering a soft “me neither”.  
   
The emotions on her face are too much to read and with her face so close to his, he’s momentarily stuck on what to do. He can’t ponder on it much longer, as she yanks him towards her and covers her mouth with his. Her kiss is deep and wet and he’s taken aback by it initially, before pushing her towards the nearest wall and devouring her lips with the same kind of intensity.  
   
It’s a loud contrast to the gentle moment just before, their movements rough and frantic as breathes are getting short and loud in the otherwise quiet living room. Somewhere along the way Gwen had flipped them around, Blake’s back now against the wall as her hands wander from the back of his neck to his chest. When he moves to take her lips again, she places both hands firmly against his chest, pushing him back and away from her face.  
   
For a moment he thinks she’s going to stop, she probably regrets getting carried away like this since they’re not done talking about this, but instead she bites her lip seductively and shakes her head.  
   
“How bad do you want me, Blake?”  
   
His eyes widen as his grip on her waist tightens in an attempt to draw her closer again. “Is that an actual question you need me to answer?”  
   
She moves away from his grip once again, her hands still working as a way to block full body contact. He grunts in frustration as he pulls her back again, while thrusting his hips forward, letting her lower body collide with his ever-growing erection. The little gasp that leaves her mouth is enough for a devilish smirk to cover his lips.  
   
“ _That much._ ” He whispers lowly in her ear, before nibbling at her lobe briefly.

The next thing he knows she’s back on him, pulling him closer against her lips as they work on their clothes coming off simultaneously. Seeing her stand before him in nothing but a tiny black thong and lace bra, he realizes how much he’s been missing her in that way, his breath stuttering at the sight. She doesn’t give him much time to stare as she moves into his personal space, her hand moving down to grip his cock still contained in his boxers.  
   
“I want you to fuck me. Hard and fast. I literally need it right now.”  
   
He can’t help but moan at her words as he picks her up, her legs tightening around his waist automatically. He has a hard time focusing as she’s busy mouth-fucking him against the wall and he mutters his frustration out against her lips.

“Couch”, he grunts. “Gwen, not here. Not against the wall.”  
   
He has no problem giving her what she wants, hell he needs her in the same way right now, but he needs to make sure she’s comfortable; this almost animalistic side of Gwen not one he’s seen often and he can’t take her up this wall right now, unsure if she wanted to use physical discomfort as a distraction from her mind. Never that. Not with him.  
   
Her lips are leaving soft kisses on his neck and shoulders, while he walks them over to the couch, lowering her on it quickly and a little rough; the kisses she’s been scattering all over him are ripping his remaining control to shreds. He gets rid of her bra and panties next before disregarding his own boxers, coming up between her legs to position himself against her entrance.  
   
He looks at her one more time for confirmation and when she bites her lips and pushes against his lower back, he starts pushing in, almost immediately sliding in all the way.

Her moan is loud and guttural, her head falling back into the couch cushions. He knows none of them will probably last long, so he grabs the back of her neck and forces her to look at him. “I want to see you, Gwen. Keep your eyes on me.”  
   
He can feel her legs starting to shake already and he takes that as his cue to speed up. The sounds of his dick coating around in her wetness is enough to send him spiralling down fast and he needs to make her cum now.

“Fuck Gwen, you feel so good. Come for me baby.”  
   
“Blake! Oh my god, _I’m_ ….” Her words catch in the back of her throat as she struggles to keep her eyes on him, so he just keeps encouraging her.  
   
“Baby, come on…”, he leans over her further, placing kisses in the crook of her neck, causing him to thrust into her even deeper, “Let go. Let me see you cum.”

He knows he’s got her when a loud scream bounces of the walls and her own clamp down on him hard. She doesn’t speak, just sinks her fingers into his back as she gasps and shudders out breathes against his shoulder blade.  
   
His own climax hits him only moments after as he thrusts a few more times, spilling inside of her as he grunts against her neck.  
   
They both come down entangled with each other, neither one ready to move. He shifts them slightly after a while, not wanting to crush her, as he lays with his head on her chest, while she toys with the little hairs on the back of his neck. Strangely enough, after their round of rough sex on the couch, laying naked on top of her with her heartbeat beating against his, this makes for one of the most intimate moments.  
   
She seems to feel the same way as he hears her gasp softly, tightening her grip on his neck. He places a soft kiss on her collarbone as he feels her relax against him. He’s not sure for how long they stay like that, but he realizes it must’ve been quite some time when the sunlight shining into the room fades into a darker shadow; the morning already traded in for the afternoon.  
   
His hand reaches out for her face, caressing her cheek gently before dropping it down to her shoulder where he draws soft circles.

“We’ve been laying here for quite some time. You want to get up?”

“Okay.” Her voice is groggy and soft, her words saying one thing but her body says the opposite as she pulls him closer against her protectively.  
   
“Gwen…”, he starts softly. “If you want to, I mean do you want ....- “  
   
“I want to stay.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

“Do you ever think about it?”  
  
Blake’s hand stilled on the magazine he was flipping through, his attention now fully hers.

“I mean I’ve thought about it, sure.”  
  
All she does is nod. She’s quiet and he’s not sure whether that’s a good sign or not. He understands that this is a big thing for her, after all she’s been through with her ex, but he can’t deny he’s kind of hoping she’s thought about it as well. “Was that the wrong thing to say?”  
  
Something in the way he asked her must’ve brought her back to him, because her eyes widen as she nods furiously.  
  
“No, god baby, no”, she crawls over to where he’s sitting and throws the magazine out of his lap and nestles herself there, his arms coming to hold her automatically. “I’ve thought about it too. Quite a bit, actually.”  
  
Her admission feels like gentle caress and he lets himself fully relax at her words. The seriousness of what her words imply don’t go unnoticed though. “You want to try getting pregnant again, Gwen?”  
  
When she nods, it comes out shy and maybe even a little embarrassed. “I mean I know it’s a long shot and we’ve barely been dating for more than a year, but I’ve never had this kind of connection with anyone ever before in my life. You feel that too, don’t you?”  
  
“I do.” When he answers, he realizes she probably doesn’t even comprehend how true that statement is for him.  
  
“I’ve just been thinking, you know. I’m not getting any younger and the chances of me getting pregnant are already dangerously limited. I can’t deny that I’m partially terrified to go through that process again and risk….”, she inhales sharply before shuddering it back out, “having _that_ happen again, but I would try it again for us.”  
  
When he doesn’t answer right away, she turns in his arms to face him, her fingers nervously playing with the buttons of his shirt when he pulls her in for a soft kiss. He doesn’t want her to think he’s kissing her words away or is trying to change the subject, but he needs to feel her lips on his after she just spoke those magical words.  
  
He pulls away after a few seconds, her lips still hovering an inch from his. “I’m with you, Gwen. No matter what happens, I’m here. Whatever you want to do, I’m here for.”  
  
He can tell she’s getting emotional by the way her eyes are starting to water. “You sure that’s really what you want?”  
  
“I’ve always wanted kids, when I was younger I thought I’d have them by now. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, I’m just saying that I never understood why I didn’t…. until now.”  
  
Her tears are a steady flow once she gets what he’s implying and he whisks them away as they fall from her eyes. “What if I can’t…?”  
  
His hand cups her face before inching closer to her mouth, speaking his words directly at her lips. “I want a life with you, Gwen. I would love to create another one together, but if we can’t, I’m perfectly content with this life we’re having right here. I just want you.”  
  
She lets her head rest in the crook of his neck, while she clings onto him as she softly cries against his shoulder. He knows she gets emotional fast and he also knows that these aren’t the devastating kind of tears; part of her emotion is the relief and gratitude finding its way out and that’s exactly why he lets one fall of his own.  
  
  
  
  
  
That conversation had changed a lot for the two of them, -both felt even more confident in the relationship while the affectionate, needy part also cranked up a notch-, she’d agreed to working overtime for a couple of days; a promotion looking likely in her future. He’s happy for the opportunity it’s giving her, knowing how hard she works and how much this means to her, but only seeing her at night was definitely not his favourite.  
  
He remembers how all his previous relationships started going downhill after just casually drifting apart from each other; you start out seeing each other every day, the knowledge of seeing each other less always a painful one, until you realize it’s becoming normal. He doesn’t ever want that to happen with Gwen. Even though their relationship is different and there’s no need to ‘rekindle any flames’, he wants to do something special for her nonetheless. Since she’s at work all day, he works out a plan to come pick her up after she’s done and do some fancy wining and dining for her. He calls the restaurant to make the reservation and shoots Gwen a quick text saying he’ll pick her up once she’s done (an idea she has to regretfully turn down because she drove to work with her own car and can’t keep it there overnight). With a slight change of plans, he waits for her at home and grins proudly when he opens the door to a surprised Gwen as she takes him in.  
  
“Cowboy, look at you.” She says adoringly as she pulls him closer by his black blazer. He’s not one to go all suited-up, but he knows he can clean up nicely by replacing his plain shirts with a blazer every now and then.  
  
She leans up to place a soft kiss on his lips, her hands gripping at his curls. He lets himself get carried away for a second, his hands sliding onto her hips as she lustfully shoves her tongue down his throat. By the time he actually pulls away, they’re both slightly out of breath.  
  
“Baby girl, as much as I’d love to hone in on this idea of yours, we really need to get going.”  
  
She pulls away before shooting him an apologetic look and he chuckles knowingly; the thought of every minuscule reaction of hers and every look being a familiar one, hits him somewhere deep in his soul. “You have time to change, we just don’t have time for this.” He says while pointing in between their bodies.  
  
She throws her hands up in a praising gesture. “Thank god! I just need to put on another top and some shoes to match. It’ll be ten minutes’ tops.” She says as she makes her way upstairs.  
  
“You kinda only have five.” He yells after her, but he knows it’s useless.  
  
  
  
When she finally descends the stairs after about fifteen minutes (he’s got to say, he’s impressed) she takes his breath away as always. It will never cease to amaze him how she’s able to look absolutely mindblowing without having to try too hard. She’s wearing a simple black dress, but the fabric hugs her in all the right places, the heels completing the bombshell look even more. He needs to do some serious down talking, but he manages to get them out of the house pretty fast, as he drives them to restaurant.  
  
Her eyes start watering again when she realizes he remembered her saying this was her favorite place once, as she grabs his hand while walking in.  
  
“Do you know how much I love you, Blake Shelton?”  
  
He chuckles lowly as he holds the door open for her, gesturing she go first. “I think I might have an idea”, he whispers in her ear, before they get seated. Once they slide into the quieter era of the restaurant, their table accustomed with romantic candlelight everywhere, he whispers in her ear before she takes place at the round table. “But if you feel like showing me once we’re done here, just know I have no objections about that.”  
  
She laughs at his inappropriate comment and he’s never known it was possible to get addicted to a sound before, but he quickly figured out after they started dating, that he’d do anything to hear that sound for the rest of his life.  
  
It doesn’t take long before they’re both pretty liquored up, the first round of food already having left their table. That’s another thing he’s been conquering lately; the ability to enjoy alcoholic beverages when they go out together, being careful to drink moderately, knowing that he’s at risk of taking it too far. Things are finally starting to fall into place in his life.  
  
He snaps out of his thoughts with Gwen looking at him intensely, her wine glass still being held against her lips, making him think that maybe she’s lost in thought herself.  
  
“Pretty girl, you’re in there?”  
  
His low country drawl seems to have her biting her lip as she lowers the glass. “Sorry. You look really cute right now, you know?”  
  
Her girly voice does things to him as he takes a sip of his own glass. She’ll never know how much comments like that affect him (just the thought of someone like her being seriously attracted to him doesn’t even always resonate), but he decides to tease her a little bit before showing his appreciation. “I knew you were checking me out.”  
  
She doesn’t even try to deny it, just smiles and throws a flirtatious wink his way. It’s crazy how easy this all feels; after their huge fight two months ago, he figured things would change for the worse and they’d had to start from pretty much the beginning. Never in a million years did he figure that situation to actually be a turning point for the better: their communication had been better than ever since then, his fears had pretty much taken a backseat and Gwen seemed to be more confident about voicing her thoughts about the far future with him.

“I missed you, Gwen.” His tone of voice was serious and he could tell Gwen noticed.

“Baby I’m sorry. I know I’ve been super busy with work and I’ve barely seen you this week. I hate when I barely get to spend time with you, it’s just really important to me that this thing goes right, you know? I feel like I’ve been working at it for so long.”  
  
“Don’t be sorry about that, Gwen. I know how important this is to you, I’m just glad you’re here with me now.”  
  
She grabs his hand from across the table and holds it gently. “Me too, but still...”  
  
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, baby. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.”  
  
Her hands grip him even tighter and she shakes her head fiercely. “Are you kidding me? I’m glad you did! Blake, this is exactly what we’ve talked about; cards all out on the table, remember?”  
  
He chuckles softly. “You’re right”, he looks up to find her gaze and bites his lip playfully. “About that, how am I doing?”  
  
His voice was light and playful but the question was a sincere one. The smile covering Gwen’s face let him know that she could see right past the fun exterior. That’s why he’s extra grateful for her light approach at answering.  
  
“Do you think your ego can handle that answer?”  
  
“Try me.”  
  
She leans back into her chair, sipping on her glass of wine as she grins sheepishly. “You’re doing great”, she reassures him. “Amazing really.”  
  
He’s quiet for a couple seconds before sighing dramatically.  
  
“You were right, my ego _so_ couldn’t handle this.”  
  
She rolls her eyes and the laughter that fills his ears next is heavenly. The rest of dinner goes like that; they laugh, they talk and occasionally steal touches that are appropriate for public display. Gwen turned out to be right about this place; the food definitely better than most places he’s ever been to. It’s not until a huge yawn escapes her mouth, that he realizes she literally had a full day at work prior to him dragging her out here and she must be exhausted. Ready to get his girlfriend home and relaxed, he takes care of the bill before standing up behind her.  
  
“Ready for me to take you home, pretty girl?”  
  
“Hmmmm”, she concedes softly as she steals a quick kiss on his lips. She pulls back before it could get inappropriate and he’s once again grateful for her self-control. It makes up for his lack thereof.  
  
Leaning into her subtly, his mouth makes it to her ear. “I was thinking I could run you a bath later, get you _really_ relaxed”, he whispers.  
  
He can see her eyes get that mischievous sparkle and he can’t help but curse the fact they’re still in public. “Or a shower maybe?”  
  
His eyes light up at what she’s implying and it’s not the only thing going _up_ right now; he needs to get them out of this restaurant and back home like yesterday. Blake’s manoeuvring behind her, holding her jacket open so she can slide into it, when her breath catches in the back of her throat. She knows the chances of the scene in front of her, - and soon to be scene involving her-, happening must be less than slim, which makes it all the more frustrating. In her mind, she’s trying to construct ways to get out of this place unseen, but it’s very unlikely. Somewhere in her panicked state, Blake senses the shift in composure and tenseness in her muscles as he grips her shoulders in an attempt to steady her.

“Hey baby girl, everything okay?”

When she doesn’t react right away he turns her around to face him, his hand cupping her cheek. “Baby what’s wrong?”

“It’s Gavin.”

She’d whispered the words so softly he honestly wasn’t sure he heard it right, his eyebrows frowning in response.

“He’s here.” She whispers a bit more urgent, as if she desperately needs him to take the lead. He looks around a few times but realizes he really has no idea what to look for, but the idea of her ex being in the same room as them makes him just as uneasy as her, just for totally different reasons.

He tries his best at a calm demeanour, not wanting to make a scene or possibly making things worse for her. Instead he steps up and shows the strength they both need.

“Gwen, it’s fine. We were about to leave anyways. Come on.” He grabs her hand tightly, dragging her towards the exit. He’s in no way ready for any more drama and after all the stories he’s heard about her ex, it takes him a great deal of self-control not to go there tonight. Instead he makes a straight line for the door, making sure to never let go of her hand, as a British sounding accent reaches his ears.

“Gwen, darling. Well won’t you look at that.”

He tries to drag her with him a few more steps, but it’s forsaken. Her hand slides out of his large palm, as he’s forced to halt himself. He turns around to find her ex almost all up in her face, her own posture an insecure one, causing him to take a few large strides towards her, his arm coming protectively around waist.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” There’s something in Gavin’s tone he can’t quite place, but it doesn’t sit well with him at all.

“Please let’s not do this here.”

Gwen’s voice is fragile, but her face doesn’t portray many emotions. The everlasting tenseness in her body gives her actual state away though and he can’t remember ever seeing her this nervous.

“Oh, Gwen, come on. You’re not even gonna introduce me to your new victim?”

Gavin’s eyes lock with Blake’s for just a second and it takes everything in him not to throw a mean punch his way.

“I think you need to back off”, Blake hisses. “Let’s go.” He nudges Gwen softly, but her body seems locked in place and he’s conflicted on how much to push her under the fiery glance of her ex-husband.

“Oh, you’re in that phase now? She’s all lovely and you want to be her knight in shining armour? Enjoy it while it lasts, my friend; before you know it she’ll barely talk to you and lose your kid. Isn’t that right, _honey_?”

He makes a move as if he’s about to condescendingly caress her cheek, but Blake intercepts it with a speed that has been foreign up until now. Standing in between them, he faces Gavin aggressively as he talks. “Try and touch her again and you’ll have a real big problem. Same goes for talking to her again. Do we understand each other?”

He really isn’t much of a fighter, -in actuality he’s way too chill to ever get tricked into reacting in these sorts of situations-, but hearing Gavin’s poisonous words directed to Gwen seems to be his kryptonite; his control slipping faster than ice on a sunny day.

Something about his tone of voice must’ve been convincing because Gavin seems to noticeably back off a little.

“Whatever man. Take care with that.”

He feels Gwen softly fist the fabric at the back of his blazer and it’s the first sign of movement he’s gotten from her since she was faced with her ex - he’ll take anything at this point. When Gavin is far enough out of sight and definitely out of ear-sight, he turns back to her, both his hands landing on her shoulders as he deliberately moves her outside. She’s still shaky and not fully cooperative, but it’s enough to get them standing in the parking lot, as he carefully brings her to rest against the wall, his body shielding her from any outsiders. He watches as she takes in a few gulps of air, the chilliness of the night long-forgotten; all he can feel is worry. He knows their relationship had been bad, but this reaction wasn’t one he expected.

“Gwen, breathe baby.”

Her hand reaches out for his arm and she grabs onto his sleeve tightly. “I’m so sorry”, she whispers.

He shakes his head in confusion. “Why are you sorry, baby?”

Now it’s her turn to shake her head as she tries to keep her tears at bay. “I’m sorry I let you handle that all by yourself. I just couldn’t, I didn’t know....”

“- shhhh, it’s okay Gwen. It’s fine.” His hand comes around the back of her neck and pushes her body gently against his, her head laying against his shoulder.

“I just froze.” She whispers softly against his shoulder, her words barely audible.

“I’m gonna get you home, okay? You’re fine. We’re fine.”

He feels her relax against him finally, her eyes locking with his softly as she nods. He takes that as his cue to nudge her gently as he walks them back to his car, opening the passenger’s door for her to climb into. She shoots him a grateful smile and slumps back into the seat still slightly dazed.

The first couple minutes of the car ride are almost a little bit awkward. As he watches Gwen sit in the passenger’s seat, he wants to reach out and touch her, but he forces his hands into submission, both hands on the steering wheel as he alternates between watching her and watching the road.

Observing her movements, a relieved sigh leaves his lips as she looks back at him and smiles weakly. After a few seconds, she tilts her head towards the window and leans against it, watching the scenery intensely as she seems to drift off into thoughts. He’s dying to know what’s going on right now, but he decides to wait until they get home; give her some time to make sense of whatever it is she’s feeling.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than what I usually post, but I wanted the way they dealt with this night to have its own chapter. The next one will be longer! 
> 
> Not going to lie, I’m struggling with the direction I want to take this story in and am debating on ending it soon. If any of you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

The softness of her hair tickles at his throat, as she’s laying in-between his legs, her head against his chest, her feet twitch to the soft music of the LP-player, her face as passive as it would be in slumber. He touches the skin on her arm gently, but doesn’t push for anything more. He knows she just needs to feel his presence close, as they bask in the quietness that surrounds them; allowing her to stay lost in the moment for a while longer.

He’s still curious to find out what triggered this kind of reaction from her, but he’s already happy about the fact she seems to have calmed down. The tension of earlier seems to have slowly left her body; her breathing is soft but not erratic and her eye-lids flutter shut before they open only seconds later. If he forgets about the dramatic scene at the restaurant for a moment, the way he’s holding her makes for a very serene night.

That’s until the reality of the evening seems to hit her again, her breathing quickening only slightly, but enough for Blake to notice. Her fingers tap on the fabric of his jeans compulsory and he stops her with his palm, stilling the movements on his leg.

“You wanna talk about it now, baby?”

He can’t see her face clearly, but he can imagine the frown on there. “I’m not sure”, she whispers.

It’s not often he finds himself in this position; having to thread carefully because Gwen isn’t ready to talk about something. It is a position he himself has been in quite often, which is why he knows not to push it too much right now. Thinking back to his past, it all suddenly makes sense; the emotional growth he had to go through, the burdens he had to lay down, the mistakes of his parents he had to forgive. Everything seems to come down to this moment: being able to be there for Gwen in a way he just learned to be there for himself.

The quiet and train of his thoughts get interrupted by a sharp breath she stutters in her lungs, before she lets it go, the remaining tension visibly leaving her body. Her breathing returned to normal once more and it felt as if she was ready to face the problem now.

His suspicions were proven right the next moment. “I used to shut down a lot when we used to fight.” Her fingers free themselves from the grasp of his hand as she uses both of her hands to push herself up into more of a sitting position against him. Her back still against his chest. “I never knew what to say, always afraid of bending us too far we’d break. Not realizing we were already broken.”

His hands move to her shoulders, gently massaging them to show his support. Not wanting to be the one to interrupt as she was so obviously trying to make sense of her thoughts and put them into words. “He’d say the most hurtful things and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. It’s like he knew exactly what buttons to push to render me completely useless.”

“You were selling yourself short.” He interjects softly.

“Maybe”, she concedes. “But I also had very little left to give. I mean, I gave so much just by staying in that relationship, I really didn’t have enough in me to fight.”

“Not even for yourself?”

It wasn’t a judgement, but it was so far removed from the Gwen he’s come to know, he couldn’t help but ask.

“Definitely not for myself.” She admits.

He leans forward into her hair and presses a soft kiss on her head, trying not to get too emotional over her words. It’s the first time since they’ve sat down on his couch tonight that she turns into him, finally facing him. A soft smile appears on his lips as she bites her lip nervously.

“I’m sorry I ruined your evening. You planned on taking me out and doing something nice for me and I completely messed it up.”

He knows these are her insecurities talking, but he can’t help but wanting to shut them down in earnest. “Gwen, stop that. You didn’t ruin anything.”

Her eyes were casted on his chest in an attempt to disconnect from his words, but he wouldn’t let her.

“Hey Gwen, can you look at me for a second?” He could see her contemplate his words, but she didn’t comply right away. He stays silent for another minute before she finally locks eyes with him again. “Yes, I wanted to create a relaxing, fun night for you and I’m sorry that jackass of an ex of yours showed up, but you didn’t ruin anything. I just want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can, _that’s_ what I really want. Seems to me like you’re right here, on _my_ couch, in _my_ arms; I don’t need anything else.”

“You can’t tell me you enjoyed that dinner.” She whispers softly.

His hands come to the side of her face to make sure their gaze stays locked. “Just the ending I would’ve changed. But that had nothing to do with anything _you_ did.”

“What about what he said?”

“It was all nonsense.” He says genuinely; his skin crawling at the recollection of her ex’s cruel words earlier. “You know that, right?”

Her eyes shift to the side again and become glazed with another glassy layer of tears. As she blinks, a few drip from her eyelids and slide down her cheeks. She bites her lip tightly in attempt to hide any sounds that want to escape from her mouth and his heart sinks.

“Gwen…”

Her lower lip quivers as words slowly make their way out of her mouth. “When he says things to me that are just so untrue, somewhere deep down _I know_. I know he’s full of it and I don’t drown in the poison of his words. But the things he said tonight, what if they’re true, Blake? What if this is as good as it gets with me? What if I will push you away or stop giving you the love I’m giving you now?”

With desperation leaping into his voice, he replies to her fears. “You won’t.”

“You can’t be sure of that.”

It’s obvious she’s not hearing what he’s saying and it’s frustrating as much as it’s heart-breaking. “Gwen, nothing he said was of any substance back there. You’re an incredible girlfriend and you were an incredible wife, these things aren’t even up for debate. You said it yourself, he knows which buttons to push with you, but that’s all it is. Nothing he said about you was based on facts. I _am_ sure of that.”

He can tell she’s on the verge of crying and he wants nothing more then to pull her in for a hug, but somehow he finds it more important that she realizes what he’s saying. He wants to wait for that to click somewhere first.

“Every time he shows up, it reminds me of how much baggage I have”, she admits quietly as he feels her stiffen up against him. “Blake, if you ever start resenting me, I don’t think I’d be able to take it.”

Not knowing what to say right in that moment, he places a brief kiss on her lips, hoping he could show what his words couldn’t. When he pulls away, her eyes are still closed and he can see a few more tears have dropped down to her cheeks.

“I could never resent you. I still can’t believe I got someone like you to actually look at me twice. Do you know how crazy that still is to me?” He pauses for a second to gauge her reaction and continues when he sees her biting back more tears. “I love you Gwen, and there’s nothing you or that stupid ex of yours can do to change that.”

That seems to be the comment to push her over the edge, because finally she’s allowing herself to let go and break against his chest. He lets her cry out the frustration of the evening and the tension her ex brought back into her body. He hugs her close to his chest as she’s trying to get a hold of herself. His hand is rubbing comforting circles on her back, trying to ease her back into calmer waters.

“I love you so much, Blake. I don’t know what I would do without you. And not just because of tonight.”

She pulls back slightly, but enough for him to see a small smile forming through her tears. He whisks away a couple more tears from her face, not good at seeing her cry. He wants to protect her, cherish her, keep her from any pain, even though he knows that’s impossible. She unlocks feelings he never even knew he had.

“I’m sorry I got really scared tonight.”

He suppresses the urge to fight her words, knowing her ex brought back all her insecurities in full force, nothing he’d say being able to reduce them into nothingness. The anger he feels towards the scumbag who put most of them there, boiling up underneath his skin.

“You gotta stop apologizing, baby.” He kisses her lips again. “Seriously.”

She chuckles against his mouth before gently shaking her head. “How do you even exist in the world?”

Now it’s his time to chuckle at her words before he shifts her into a more comfortable position. Her legs coming to straddle him as he locks her securely against his body; any space between their bodies long gone.

“There were so many things I didn’t know before I met you”, he says honestly. “Getting to know you was like opening a book and finding a language I’d never seen before. Everything’s new and beautiful. _You’re_ beautiful.”

Her eyes widen as she slaps his chest playfully. “Blake! I literally just stopped crying.”

He chuckles more to himself than to her, but decides to have some mercy on her and change the subject to a less emotional one.

“What do you want to do, Gwen? We could watch a movie, get your mind of things and just snuggle up some more.”

His goal of tonight was to help her relax after some stressful times and that goal hasn’t changed one bit. Tonight’s events being no exception.

“That sounds nice……Or maybe we could do some _other_ things first?” She bites her lip and bats her eyelashes in a way that was meant to come of flirtatious, but ended up looking more adorable than anything else.

“Yeah?” He chuckles as he places a soft kiss on her shoulder. “What did you have in mind, pretty girl?”

Her arms come around his neck in an attempt to cling to him and maximize on his kisses, but he has different plans. He has her on her back in one swift movement, coming to rest between her spread legs. He leans down to place a kiss on her lips and she deepens it immediately; obviously in need of blowing off some steam.

He lets her take whatever she needs, but pulls back eventually. This is going to be about her. He slowly kisses his way down, from her neck to her chest, down to her stomach, where he lifts the fabric of her night-shirt to expose her skin. He hooks both his thumbs in the waistband of her sleep shorts and drags them down her legs quickly; her breathing quickening again, but this times for all the right reasons.

He tries to keep their eyes locked as he kisses near her centre, but she throws her head back the minute his tongue makes contact with her clit. Normally he would press her to keep her eyes on him, but this time he just wants her to get lost in the moment. In whatever way that is. Her hips jolt up in his grasp, but she doesn’t get far, his hands containing her movements.

“Jesus Christ, Blake”, her hands fly to his head, her nails digging into his scalp, but he couldn’t care less. All he cares about is making her feel good, making her forget everyone that did this before him.

He smiles to himself, proudly, before slipping his tongue inside of her. Her eyes are shewn shut and her teeth press into her lip hard.

“Blake, right there. Oh my g—” She gasps.

As soon as he picks up the pace, her body starts trembling, indicating she’s close. Her moans and whimpers are constant now and he’s determined to get her off. When he swipes his thumb across her clit, her body convulses as his name falls of her lips like the prettiest of prayers. He moves up her body to swallow her moans in his mouth, replacing his tongue with two of his fingers, urging a second orgasm on the heels of her first.

“One more”, he moans while kissing her. “For me, baby. Come on.” His thumb shifts and jostles over her clit faster and the frustrated growl he extracts from her gives him chills. He slows his fingers and his kisses, before she shudders out a breath, riding out her second climax.

While he waits for her to come down from her high, -her chest heaving and her body still slightly squirming underneath his-, his hand comes to brush some of her hair out of her face. The way she looks at him turns every moment into a memorable one; in these moments, she loves him with her eyes just as much as she does with her body, their souls mingling in the quiet moments after the pleasure. It’s the extending of a moment he never wants to end.

“I’ve never loved anyone like you, Gwen Stefani.” He whispers against her ear, before pausing to look at her.

Her hand settles on the back of his neck, pressing his lips against hers in a frantic, but short kiss. “Never stop loving me”, she whispers.

“Never.”


	16. Chapter 16

It’s quiet where they are. He doesn’t even remember where they are when she’s this closely pressed against him, her shoulders digging into his chest while he drapes his larger jacket over hers. She’s always freezing no matter the weather conditions. The air surrounding them is cold, the smell husky and earthy; perfect. The night had proven to be too much for Gwen in numerous ways and he’s given up on trying to get her under the covers, since it was obvious she was in a way too restless mood to get some shut-eye. Not one to deny her much of anything, he had agreed to drive them out to their spot once again. Funny how what used to be his spot, is now theirs. It reminds him of something he’s been meaning to do for a while.  
  
“Hey”, he nudges her softly to get her attention. “How would you feel about taking a trip soon?”  
  
She turns around in his arms, her own coming around his mid-section, her chin pressing into his chest. “A trip?”   
  
Her curiosity seems to be piqued, which is a good sign to him; no sound of objections so far.   
  
“I was thinking maybe I could take you to Oklahoma one of these days. I’m not really a family kind of guy, but well, I happen to be a Gwen kinda guy and I want you to meet them.” He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels nervous, but he does. “If you want to, ofcourse.”  
  
Her smile is so wide he for a moment thinks she’s about to mock him, but instead her arms tighten around his body in a supporting gesture. “Oh my god Blake! Ofcourse I want to meet your family. Were you really nervous I wouldn’t want to?”  
  
The relief her reaction brings him comes out in the form of a shit-eating grin that brings his dimples to the forefront.   
  
“I don’t know what I expected.” He says quietly. “Expectations only lead to disappointments. I didn’t want to be disappointed.”  
  
“Blake, is this your subtle way of saying you thought I’d say no?” She smiles.  
  
His smile grows and he laughs nervously. “You caught me.”  
  
He knows that outside surroundings often become reflected inward – and the energy this place provides, plus the energy Gwen exudes --he feels peaceful. Peaceful enough to not be embarrassed about his earlier nerves.  
  
“Why did you think that?” Her soft, supporting voice asks. “That I wouldn’t want to?”  
  
It’s not fear that makes him stumble over her question: it’s pure ignorance. He just doesn’t know. “I’m not sure.”  
  
“You met mine.” She tries to help him along. “So you couldn’t have thought it was too soon.”

“I didn’t.” He muses out loud. “Maybe it’s because I’ve never been too close with them, you know? At a certain age, I just packed my stuff and left, never looked back.” His words sound cold, but inside he feels everything but.  
  
She seems to catch on. “It’s never too late.”  
  
He shakes his head disapprovingly. “Nah, I think it is.”  
  
Family is a tough concept for him, one he still hasn’t managed to crack. He loves his mom, adores his sibling, but always from afar. Being around his family for too long suffocates him; the underlying family-history always just beneath the surface, the whole get-together feeling like a façade.   
  
“When’s the last time you’ve visited them?” She asks.  
  
“Last year. I always go there for their birthdays.”  
  
He knows it sounds horrible; his mother is a good woman and his sister is great. Yet the thought of going there more often sounds like less than a good one.   
  
He can tell she’s threading carefully, but she’s curious and he doesn’t blame her.

“Has it always been that way? You go there for their birthdays, but that’s it?”  
  
“It’s been like that since my dad passed.” He answers honestly. “He died six years ago. After that, I couldn’t stand being there anymore.”  
  
She stares at him intensely. “Why?”  
  
His eyes suddenly get a shade darker; this is the conversation he hates having, but knows he can’t escape either. “His behaviour hurt us all. Literally tainted our view of the world.”  
  
Not wanting to rush him, she stays quiet.

“I went there for the funeral and….”, he shakes his head a few times, after all these years still not comfortable with what he’s about to say. “They were all so broken up about it, Gwen. I just realized I’m not one of them.”  
  
“You weren’t sad at all?” She whispers.  
  
“Sure I was, but for different reasons. I was sad he never got the chance to be who he should’ve been. I was sad he wasted his time on this Earth being an inconsiderate drunk. I wasn’t sad cause he was such a good man and I’d miss his presence, no.”  
  
She bites her lip, before flashing him a small smile. “Ever thought about them being sad for the same reason?”  
  
He shakes his head again; the version of events having played in his head too many times to not have this one figured out. “That’s what I assumed until I heard my mom’s eulogy for him.”

She squints her eyes, not quite sure where this is going and he has to really push himself to continue.

“She said a prayer. Something about how thankful she was.”  
  
He felt her warm breath against his chest, a stark contrast to the cold night-air. “Blake…. I don’t – “

“What could she or any of the family have to be thankful for? How could she be thankful for such confusion, and yelling and screaming? Not to mention thanking a God who allowed such misery for all of us. That’s fake to me. It’s like they’re pretending to be a family I’ve never been part of.”  
  
It’s been a while since he’s spoken his thoughts about this out loud, he’s not even sure he ever has before. The look on Gwen’s face is one of sympathy and understanding, but also one laced with slight protest. She closes her eyes and opens them quickly before she speaks.  
  
“Not everyone deals with these kinds of things the same way, Blake. Maybe they need to remember the good times in order to move on. You don’t think it’s also strong to be able to be grateful for moments you didn’t get enough of?”  
  
Her words hang loudly in the air. _Isn’t it strong to be able to be grateful for moments you didn’t get enough of?_  
  
His mind wanders off to his dad’s funeral; it was a beautiful service, many people came to share memories, he even remembers someone singing a hymn. It was almost too beautiful for the man they gathered around for, but he seemed to be the only thinking so at the time. The knowledge of it being a messed-up thought had been loudly present, but nothing seemed to be able to ease his resentment; not towards his dad or his grieving family.   
  
“He hurt me.” It’s the most vulnerable he’s ever heard himself sound.  
  
She shifts a little, letting some air in between their bodies. “I know.”  
  
“…. And my mom. Hurt my mom even worse.”  
  
“I know”, she moves back into him, her hand coming to rest on his cheek and he involuntarily leans into her touch.   
  
“Am I crazy for feeling this way?”  
  
“You’re not crazy, Blake.” She says adamantly. “You’re not that little boy that had to see his mom cry anymore either. You’re not even the same person you were six years ago. You can have a change of heart and not feel bad about it, you know?”  
  
He tries his hardest not to cry in front of her, his lips pressing tightly against each other, unable to stop the clenching of his jaw. His head is about to lower in embarrassment as her finger comes under his chin and raises his face back up.

“You’re such a good man, baby. You resent the man who caused your family so much pain, but what about your need to be part of a family? You said you were sad for the time he wasted on this Earth, don’t waste yours on depriving yourself of love from the ones who are still here.”  
  
He can’t help but choke on a sob then, one that never leaves his body but shakes him to the point of a deep unsettling feeling. His arms tighten around her as she buries her face in his chest, swaying them gently back and forth to the rhythm of their heartbeats.   
  
“Take me to Oklahoma, Blake. Let me meet them.”  
  
  
\--

Truth of the matter is, it’s never been like this for her. She’s never met someone and felt that instant connection connecting them for life. Blake’s not the only one who found light in the midst of his darkness. Blake came to her in the middle of a long grieving-process and in the ashes of a bitter-tasting relationship.

Sometimes the statement “when one door closes another one opens” proves to be right without a shimmer of a doubt and meeting Blake was the only exhibit she needed. She got lost in his face instantly and she’s convinced a special force urged her to go after him that night, not usually that brazen.

Now she’s on the verge of meeting his family, she’s seriously wishing to start a family with him and is convinced she’s never loved anyone like she loves him, — nor will she ever. It’s a slightly terrifying concept to wrap her head around, but she’s never been more excited to see what her future holds.   
  
“Meeting his family, huh? Woah Gwen, this is getting serious.” Her sister in law squeals.   
  
Her sister’s statement surprised her a bit, throwing her off guard for a second. It being obviously noticeable too.

“I’m not saying you guys weren’t before. I’m just saying that’s a big step for guys. You’re basically married”, Jen jokes.  
  
Gwen shakes her head at her sister’s silliness. “I think it’s about time.”  
  
Their relationship has been real and intense from the very beginning. They didn’t necessarily take the conventional steps; to some people it might even appeared as if they skipped a few. It’s always made perfect sense to them though. She’s well-aware that their emotional—and physical connection is something extraordinary, it’s something that’s connected them very tightly ever since that first meeting.   
  
“We’ve already been through so much together, Jen. I know it sounds crazy, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want it to be him, --forever.”   
  
“Whoa.”  
  
“I know.”   
  
Telling her sister in law about her true, intense feelings for Blake lifted an undeniable weight off her shoulders, but she also felt her body fill with nerves at the prospect of what this all meant.

“Does he know you feel this way?” Jen asks.  
  
“He does. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.”   
  
For a second it seems like their conversation is about to get interrupted by her brother, but instead he seems busy locating his kids, leaving the two-woman standing in his backyard.   
  
“I’m so happy for you, Gwen. _This_ is what you deserve.”  
  
The gentle dig towards her ex doesn’t go unnoticed and she feels like this is the perfect time to bring up recent events.   
  
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about.” She starts shakily, the subject of her ex forever one she dreads.   
  
Jen seems to catch onto the sudden mood-shift and raises her eyebrows in curiosity. A hint of worry painting her face. “What is it?”  
  
She inhales deeply, before starting her story.

“Blake wanted to take me out for dinner two nights ago and as we were about to leave the restaurant, I spot Gavin.”  
  
The mention of his name brings sudden tension to the posture of the woman in front of her, and she realizes how deep the pain of his actions run within her whole family. Deciding to end her misery, she finishes what she started.

“Blake tried to get me out of there unnoticed, but turned out we weren’t going to be that lucky”, she still feels a little shaky as she remembers that night, needing to pull herself together mid-sentence. “He stopped us, said some pretty hurtful things and Blake had to literally step in and remove me from that situation.”  
  
Her sister seems taken aback by what Gwen’s telling her; her eyes burning a hole in Gwen’s scull. “I froze. I didn’t know what to do. It was pretty horrible.”  
  
The helpless feeling that surged through her body in that moment comes flooding back in little spurts and just the memory of it makes her skin crawl. It’s a reaction no one else can trigger from her, which proves every point her family, -and Blake-, have now made about him. The toxicity of who he is to her puts a fear inside of her that sometimes feels like being smothered by an invisible hand. Just as in that moment in the restaurant, - her body writhes to be free or either shuts down entirely. Learning how to recover from that seems to be a longer road than she’d imagined.  
  
It’s like her sister-in law could follow that whole dialogue in her head, because her reply follows through gritted teeth.

“I hate him so much”, she shakes her head before fully addressing Gwen. “He can’t keep doing this to you. You can’t let him keep ruining your happiness.”   
  
Gwen’s eyes widen at her words, almost slightly offended. “I’m not!”  
  
“You’re letting him get to you way too much. Even now. Gwen baby, he doesn’t have power over you. He never had.”  
  
The words circle around her brain for what feels like an eternity. It’s like Jen’s soft tone rumbles on like a storm inside of her, as her thoughts are slowly starting to dislodge themselves.   
  
“I know that.” She barely whispers. “I’m just so scared he’s right sometimes. About me.”  
  
Her sister in law moves closer, wrapping an arm protectively around her shoulders, nudging her.

“The way Blake treats you; that protective, nurturing thing he does, that’s what you deserve. Gavin has to make you feel bad about yourself in order to ‘justify’ his actions, but that’s not who you are. It’s not what you deserve”, Jen breathes, her tone serious. “I know you like to think you’ve changed him, but you can’t change people like that, Gwen. Don’t let him change _you_.”  
  
As much as some of her words sting, she can’t deny her sister in law is hitting the nail right on the head with all of it. Blake deserves her best version, but more importantly: she does.  
  
“You’re right”, Gwen admits. “I’ve spent too much time trying to change myself for him. So much, I feel like Blake has actually made me grow back into myself.”  
  
Jen smile grows bigger at her words. “That’s all we want for you.”  
  
“He’s pretty awesome.” Gwen muses more to herself than anyone else.  
  
Jen squeals suddenly and retracts her arm from Gwen’s shoulders to clap her hands together excitedly. “Oh my god, Gwen, I’m so excited for you.”  
  
Gwen chuckles. “Let’s just pray his family likes me.”  
  
Probably sensing some insecurities, Jen hammers in on her words. “Why wouldn’t they?”   
  
“I don’t know. It’s just really important to me that they do. I mean, no matter his personal feelings, these people are a big part as to the man he is today, and I just want them to approve of me.”   
  
For a second she thinks her sister-in law will thread on her insecurities again, but she seems to latch on to the unexpected part of her sentence. “His personal feelings?”  
  
She didn’t even realize she’d said it, but there was no reason in lying about it now. Blake’s feelings towards and about family are not a secret to anyone, yet the explanation to her own family, might trigger more than what she’s ready for.  
  
“He has so much resentment towards his family.” She says softly.  
  
Jen seems to contemplate on her words as Gwen looks at her expectedly. It’s obvious there’s something on the tip of her tongue and Gwen wants nothing more but for her to just spit it out already. Even if she really doesn’t.  
  
And then after a few moments, she does.

“Just like you do.”  
  
The truth of her statement is loud, hanging in the air between them until Gwen finds the strength to break it. It’s a conversation she hoped she’d be able to avoid; her own guilt about it too real and often times overwhelming. She has an amazing family, it’s just her own loss that gets in the way of opening her heart up to all she has in front of her.

“I’m horrible, aren’t I?” Gwen whispers, not needing to address the issue directly, the clarity of the situation clear to them both.  
  
“I get it, Gwen. _We both do_.” Her eyes lower in defeat at the mention of her brother, but Jen forces it back up. “Really. Just know you can always talk to us, OK? Don’t dissociate from us.”

—And she has. She undoubtedly dissociated from her whole family, especially Jen and Todd, because everything she lost is reflected there and it’s her own weakness that can’t handle that trigger.

“I’ve never meant to. I love you guys — I adore Stella and Leo, sometimes the grieve just gets to be too much, y’know? It makes me selfish.”

Her sister in law shakes her head disagreeing. “You’re not selfish, Gwen. You’re human. But just let us help.”

She sighs softly. “I don’t know how.”

“For starters, you can lean on us more. You don’t have to keep that part of yourself hidden from us, we can handle it. We won’t break.”

She feels her breath hitch at Jen’s words, the relief of finally having this conversation catching up with her.

“It’s not fair what happened, Gwen. When I was pregnant for the first time, I had no idea what I was doing. I feel like I really became a mom when I held her for the first time. It’s like an instinct just kicking in, you know? But you, you’re already there, Gwen. You already are a mom, just without the child. No one is expecting you to take that lightly here.”  
  
Her tears were a steady flow at this point.

“Jen, I —“

“— I know.”

She can’t help but throw herself in Jen’s arms, the warmth of her family one she doesn’t want to miss out on any longer. If she’s going to make Blake face his, it’s about time she does so herself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the purpose of this story, there's about a two month period between the last chapter and this one (blame their busy schedules and Blake's hesitation for the bit of delay hihi). With that said, enjoy. Comments are always much appreciated :)

It was strange being here again after so long. Despite all the time that has past, he still remembers everything to be pretty much the same; the orange coloured daylilies planted in the front yard, the blue paint – that has now slightly faded—but still clings onto the front door. He could tell his mom cleaned the porch, since it was squeaky clean, giving it a familiar glow. A brand-new flower pot was sitting left of the front door; the only change he could seem to find in this place. If this house held some happier memories for him, he’d probably find himself feeling nostalgic over it all.  
  
During the drive over here, it took him a few convincing words and supporting gestures to Gwen to feel slightly more confident about meeting his family, her sudden nerves perfectly understandable, but at times hard to console considering his own. Walking up the porch, she seems to have found her bearings and it’s really him who needs some supportive words now.  
  
“They’re probably so excited about having you back here.” She says softly, her arm hooking into his as they approach the door.  
  
He’s not sure about how they feel about anything, quite frankly, and it’s one of the many things that brings him unease when it comes to his family. “Maybe.”  
  
He almost has to drag his feet the last few steps, but when he does, he finds the strength to hit the door-bell immediately; the ding-dong sound coming from inside as he hears someone practically running to get the door. The door slowly opens to reveal his mother’s warm face, welcoming them both with her signature smile.  
  
“Blake!” The older woman exclaims, before taking him into her arms. He lets her embrace him for as long as she needs, suddenly a bit more unsure about why he hasn’t returned in so long. “It’s so good to see you, baby.”  
  
After a while he lets himself pull out of her grasp and takes a step back to stand besides Gwen, before ushering her forward with a gentle hand on her back.  
  
“Mom, this is Gwen. My girlfriend.”  
  
Gwen offers her hand for a handshake right away, but his mom damn near sweeps it away, bringing her in for a hug of her own. “Sweetheart, I don’t do handshakes”, she utters while pulling away but still holding onto Gwen’s shoulders. “It’s so great to meet you. Blake, why didn’t you tell me she was this beautiful?”  
  
Blake shoots Gwen a quick look, just in time to see her look down bashfully. Great, now she’s embarrassed and this day has just started.  
  
“Working on the element of surprise, I guess”, comes his reply while wrapping his arms around her waist.  
  
“It’s so great to finally meet you, ma’am.”  
  
“Dot. Please, I’m not that old.”

Gwen smiles and lets out what can only be described as a nervous giggle. “Dot. It’s so nice meet you. Thank you for having me in your home.”  
  
His mom finally let’s go of Gwen’s arms and invites them both into the living room. “Come on, everyone is here and waiting for y’alls arrival.”  
  
Gwen shoots him a quick look, trying to pinpoint his mood by now and he gives her a small, telling her not to worry. It might sound cliché to some, but being back here with Gwen by his side, definitely makes this easier and worth it. Hell, maybe he can even get something good to come out of this.  
  
His stepdad is the first person to approach them next, which was expected. He can’t say he’s ever had a close relationship with the man, but the same goes for most of his family, except for his sister. His stepdad is a strict and disciplined man, but he’s not bad. If he’s honest, he’s probably been more of a father figure to him than his actual dad, even though that’s not that hard.  
  
“Nice to see you again, son.” He offers a hug that Blake hesitantly accepts, but feels good about nonetheless. “Good to be back”, Blake answers softly and it surprises him how much of that statement he means.  
  
Gwen spends a solid fifteen minutes saying hi to everyone, finding herself tangled in more bear hugs than she probably imagined, everyone seemingly falling in love with her right away. It’s the one thing he never had any doubts about.  
  
It’s a day he started with heavy feelings, but ends in a much lighter manner. His family only brings up the fact that he’s not here enough once, which unsurprisingly comes from his mom at some point. He doesn’t make a big deal of it, actually finds himself apologizing for it, realizing that if he wants anything to change, he has to be here for that to put in motion. He spends a great deal of time talking with his sister, Endy, who can’t stop gushing over Gwen and her ‘radiant glow, making her look like an angel’. It’s strange to feel a part of this family he’d written off a while ago and maybe Gwen was right, maybe this is about him accepting that not everyone deals with losses the same way. Maybe his family did the best they could with the means they had.  
  
He’s in a deep conversation with his sister’s husband, when he realizes he hasn’t seen Gwen for a while now. It’s not like he thinks she can’t stand her own, but he also doesn’t want her to feel like he’s letting her figure this out all by herself; he did promise to stay by her side today, for crying out loud. He looks around the room for a couple moments, when he spots her in the hallway, talking to his sister. Deciding to stay put and not intervene, he still finds his focus wandering off to them more than once; it’s a rare occasion seeing the two most important women in his life so deep in conversation.  
  
  
  
“Blake, oh my god, your family is amazing!”  
  
He chuckles lowly at her excitement, finding it hard not to fall in love with her all over again when she gets excited like this. It’s so innocent and almost childlike; it’s a quality he hopes she never loses.  
  
“I’m glad you felt comfortable, baby.” He says sweetly before running a hand up her back and pulling her into him.  
  
They had just finished a family dinner, which was mostly spent dodging invasive questions from his mom and listening to Gwen practically having to tell her life-story to curious relatives. Luckily for him, Gwen seemed perfectly at ease with the whole thing, even comfortable enough to ask some questions of her own. After all was said and done, Dot had shown Gwen the guest room they’ll be staying in for a couple of days, wowing Gwen with the signature Oklahoma view.  
  
“I expected them to be way more guarded, considering…...”, she looks at him apologetically after almost mentioning his ex, but he shakes his head indicating he doesn’t care. “Well, you know. I just thought they’d give me more of a hard time, but they’ve been so loving and welcoming, I can’t believe it.”  
  
“I’m telling ya, you just have that effect on people.”  
  
She saunters over to where he’s standing, kicking the bedroom door closed with her feet before she goes. Her arms come around his waist as her chin leans against his chest.

“Kiss me”, she whispers.  
  
His hands find placement on her hips, as he leans down to press his lips against hers. What starts out as innocent, quickly turns into lustful, his hands gliding down to her ass to press her more firmly against him. She sucks on his tongue and he grunts in her mouth in response. He pushes her against the nearest wall, before shoving his tongue back inside of her mouth, taking the air straight out of her lungs. “Fucking finally”, he pants.  
  
They kiss like that for about ten more minutes, his hands holding her face, while her fingers are securely tangled into his curls, her lip-gloss staining his mouth. It’s when she starts kissing along the base of his neck and him starting to grind his clothed erection deliciously against all her pressure points, that she pushes him away softly.  
  
“I would let you take things further, but I know I won’t be able to keep quiet this time and I really don’t want to make _that_ kind of impression in your mom’s house.”  
  
As much as he wants to find her on this, he knows she’s right. He backs up slightly, both trying desperately to get some air back into their bodies. He can see her chest heaving as she bites her lip in frustration.

“I love you, you know that?” He knows she does, but he asks her anyways. Her lips curving into a big smile when he does. He can’t help himself but take her lips again, this time in a less frantic kiss. The movements of his tongue are slow and deliberate, drawing miniscule sounds out of her rhythmically. He kisses along her jawline, her shoulder and finishes it up with a nibble on her ear.

A little bit of teasing never hurt nobody.  
  
“Blake, oh my god”, she whispers in a low moan. “Blake we can’t…...”  
  
“I know.” He goes for another slow grind against her and her head snaps back against the wall instantly. He smiles at himself proudly, every reaction he manages to get out of her still feels surreal. He doesn’t think that will ever change, sure hopes it doesn’t.  
  
“You’re being so mean right now.”

Her voice breaks as she tries to speak and she giggles at the sound. It’s incredible how she manages to still be adorable, even amid her own arousal. He wants nothing more than to throw her on the bed and have his way with her, but remembering her previous words, he backs up for real.  
  
“I’m gonna need to take a shower.” He says shamelessly. Gwen looks at him from where she’s still plastered against the wall, her breathing still coming out in short spurts.  
  
“I’m guessing you don’t want me in there with you.” She tries.  
  
“Kinda ruins the whole purpose of the shower, sweetheart.”  
  
Knowing they both need to cool off, he disappears into the shower the next minute, leaving Gwen to her own devices; which she seems to be grateful for since she still promised her sister-in law an update after the first day with his family. He can hear her talk excitedly on the phone before the sound of the shower draws it out. When he walks back into the room about twenty minutes later, Gwen’s already under the covers, her hair falling wildly on her pillow.  
  
“Tired, darlin’?”  
  
He notices his own accent already getting thicker, even after spending less than a day back with his family in Oklahoma. He’s surprised she even made out his words when she replies.  
  
“Incredibly.”  
  
He lays down next to her, chuckling when she turns to him immediately; whether it’s for warmth or intimacy he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t care either. Her breathing is soft and calm, much like her demeanour and it’s almost surreal. It’s surreal how something that felt so heavy, could turn out like this. He’s had a better day than he’s had in a while, his family accepting Gwen and Gwen accepting his family, -- which might even weigh heavier for him, is doing miraculous things to his well-being.  
  
Suddenly remembering Gwen talking to his sister earlier, his curiosity gets the best of him. Since Gwen lives for honesty, he knows the chances of getting an answer to his burning question are looking rather positive.  
  
“You know, I saw you talking to Endy earlier”, he starts carefully to which she giggles. “What’s so funny?”  
  
She looks up at him with these big brown eyes of hers he has no problem getting lost in, before shooting him a playful grin. “Nothing. I just knew you wouldn’t be able to _not_ ask about it.”  
  
She’s right. There’s no way he can let this one go without knowing. “So are you going to tell me?”  
  
She pretends to contemplate his words, her slim finger pinching her nose as she exaggerates being deep in thought. Deciding to help her along a bit, he reaches out his arm and pulls her into him with a firm hand on her back. He revels in the confused expression on her face, before she seems to regain her composure. He smiles at her pokerface, but he also knows that the hand on her back, gliding dangerously close to her ass, is distracting her from the little game she’s playing.  
  
He leans down so he can whisper in her ear, but not before placing a soft kiss in the crook of her neck. Goosebumps riddle up her arm and he chuckles lowly at the sight.

“Gonna tell me what you guys were talking about yet, pretty girl?”  
  
She rolls her eyes excessively while grabbing his hand from the place it slid down to and puts it back on her hip, the distraction seemingly too much. He can’t quite blame her; his shower hadn’t quite been enough to keep his own arousal in check either.  
  
“We talked about you.” She says matter of factly.  
  
He raises his eyebrows in an over the top manner, pretending to be shocked and she slaps his chest. “She said that when you told her you were seeing someone, she didn’t expect that someone to be like me. And yes, I did ask her what that meant”, Gwen chuckles.  
  
“What _did_ she mean?”  
  
“She meant that we’re different, but also really alike deep down. She just wasn’t so sure you would stay around long enough to figure that out.”  
  
His sister knows him well, there’s no surprise there, what is surprising to him is her candid honesty towards Gwen.  
  
“She also said you seem happier, much more like yourself.” Gwen adds. “Let’s just say she’s not a big fan of your ex and remind me to never get on her bad side.”  
  
Blake chuckles and pulls her even closer, the feeling of her soft breathes on his chest. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, darlin’.”  
  
She nuzzles into his chest and knowing what’s coming next, he shifts his position slightly to meet her in a sweet kiss. It’s over too soon, but he also knows she’s tired and still has a full day with his family ahead of her. He positions them in somewhat of a spooning position, kissing her shoulder before hitting the light switch.  
  
“I love you, Gwen.”  
  
“Love you, cowboy.”  
  
\--  
  
She’s usually restless at night, but he’s never seen it be this bad. She’s tossing and turning for hours now and not even his firm arm protectively wrapped around her waist seems to be enough to still her. She sighs hopelessly and he kisses her shoulder gently. “What’s wrong baby?”  
  
“I don’t know”, she sighs. “Can’t sleep.”  
  
He hates when she’s feeling a type of way but can’t seem to articulate it. As normal as that is sometimes, he just wants to help her any way that he can, especially since he knows she’s not used to that. Instead he buries his face into the back of her shoulder, plastering soft kisses along the area. He feels her relax slightly in his arms and grins proudly.  
  
“Hey babe?”  
  
His head perks up from where it’s buried into her shoulder, as he mumbles a quick ‘hmmm’, indicating that he’s listening.  
  
“Are you sure they like me? I don’t really know them that well, obviously, so maybe they’re faking it and I just can’t tell or maybe they – “  
  
“—Just like you.” Blake interrupts.  
  
She straightens her back and turns around into his arms, her hands sliding from his neck down to his bare chest.

“They really do?”  
  
The insecurity in her voice hurts him, because he’s never seen his mom take to one of his girlfriends this soon. Neither has he seen his sibling this open and comfortable before. It’s exactly that quality that had been the reason Blake opened up to Gwen as soon as he did and it pained him to know she still couldn’t see that herself.  
  
“Baby, what’s there _not_ to like? I might not have been here as much as I should’ve, but anytime I did go here, they could sense how miserable I was. This might be first time they ever see me truly happy. How can they not love you after that?”  
  
Her hands move back up around his neck, pulling his face towards her as she plants a slow kiss on his lips. He holds her softly, but doesn’t pull her in, doesn’t add to the intensity; just lets her bask in the gentleness and softness of his love – something he knows she’s never had before.  
  
“I love you”, she whispers as she pulls away from his mouth.  
  
He traces her lip lightly with the tip of his finger, watching it pout slightly as he does. He listens to her gentle breathing, getting lost in everything she is so intensely – he can’t seem to form and immediate sentence with his lips because he’s so focused on hers—before getting his bearings back. Remembering her earlier words, he smiles at her softly.  
  
“I love you too.”

“It really means the world to me that they like me, Blake. I don’t know what I would’ve done if they didn’t.”  
  
He looks at her quite serious, but his trademark warm eyes never leave.

“S’long as you’re by my side, angel, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves.”  
  
“But they’re not just the rest of the world.”  
  
“But they’re also not my world, you are.”  
  
There’s no resentment or any resemblance of a grudge in his eyes as he speaks, just pure honesty. It’s all he knows what to give her, after all they’ve been through. It goes against his nature to deceive and it goes against his growth to fear his own honesty.  
  
“You don’t have to worry about that, though, really.” He continues. “I’m glad you came with me, Gwen. I’ve wanted to bring you out here for a while.”  
  
She lays back against his chest, her fingers tracing small circles on his skin. He loves it when she gets close like this, like she’s almost clinging to him, but she never gets claustrophobic. She doesn’t need her space. It’s in these moments that he wonders if there’s ever enough intimacy for her. It’s something he spent so long ignoring of himself, it took him a while to realize he’s the same way.  
  
“Seems like life just has a way of working out sometimes, doesn’t it?”  
  
He chuckles lightly, his arm coming around her instinctively. “Yeah it does.”  
  
Pretty soon, he feels her breathing starting to get a bit heavier, her blond hair inches from his nose as he inhales the smell of her almond shampoo. It’s not long after that, he falls into slumber himself, cradling Gwen closely to his chest.  
  
The night seemed to continue peacefully until he felt the sheets shift drastically as Gwen shot up.  
  
Before he even has an idea of what is happening, she shoots out of his arms, towards the bathroom, locking herself in. He switches on the light-switch above his nightstand, while rubbing his eyes tiredly, his face plastered with worry. He hears heaving and gurgling sounds coming from behind the bathroom door, which could only indicate she was throwing up.  
  
He was on his feet in seconds, walking towards the door, knocking softly. “Gwen, baby, are you okay?”  
  
No answer.  
  
“Gwen, can you open the door?”  
  
It took a while for her to comply, but after a couple minutes he hears her stumble towards the door before it unlocks. It’s still dark in the room, but he can still make out her watery eyes, her skin glistering with sweat.  
  
He takes a step towards her without thinking, reaching out an arm to steady her. His gaze is pleading with her to say something, but she just continues to look at him with those heartbreak eyes.

“Can you take me back to bed?” She whispers.  
  
Alright baby. Will you let me help you clean up first?”  
  
She nods weakly and he takes that as his cue to sit her down on the edge of the vanity, while he wets a bath cloth and hands her a small cup of water. He gently wipes at her face, before it convulses again, but nothing comes out this time.  
  
“Take some deep breathes through your nose”, he instructs softly, kissing the top of her head once she does. “Repeat that until you feel yourself relax a bit, babe.”  
  
He stands in front of her for a couple minutes, just watching her get her bearings back as the sickness slowly starts subsiding. Once they’re both convinced the throwing up has stopped, — at least for now, he offers his hand for her to take as he leads them back to the bedroom.  
  
He wants her to talk to him, tell him what’s going on, but he won’t push her. Instead he keeps quiet and ushers her back to the bed. He pulls back the duvet, waiting for her to get in, before situating himself next to her and covering them both up with the covers. She turns to face him, which fills his body with relief; she’s not shutting him out it seems.  
  
He could see her swallow a couple times, her throat clenching, as she tried to keep the sick feeling at bay. She was shivering and if he didn’t know any better, he’d say she was definitely having a fever.

“Did you just wake up feeling like this?” He asks innocently.  
  
She manages at a small smile, her eyes clenching shut as she does so. She shakes her head a few times before biting her lip and opening her eyes to find his already on her.  
  
“I’ve been feeling like this for a couple days now.” She says honestly, her voice hoarse. “I’m nauseous all the time and liable to throw up at the slightest provocation.”   
  
Things still don’t register in his mind and he’s starting to slowly lose his mind. Maybe it’s the ungodly hour of the night, or maybe it’s the pessimist in him that won’t allow his mind to wander, but he’s stuck.

“Okay, are you saying you’re worried you might be sick. Do we need to go to a doctor?”  
  
“No”, she shakes her head softly. “Blake……. I’m late.”  
  
The words float around in his mind, his view suddenly clouding as things start to fall into place. It’s like a puzzle finally connecting the dots, forming a clear picture. The overly-emotional mood changes, the nausea and now the throwing up…...  
  
“Gwen, are you…. —‘  
  
“I think so.”  
  
Hope beads his skin like dew on spring grass, he feels it radiate throughout his whole body, forming thoughts and happiness like tiny worlds of its own. He knows nothing is certain without a test and the more he gets his hopes up, the greater the disappointment, but right now he can’t begin to care. Careful to not hurt her more, knowing she’s not feeling well, he reaches out for her and she crawls into his space willingly.  
  
“I don’t know what to say.” He whispers, emotions he doesn’t even recognize filling up his body. “We need to get you one of those tests. Maybe we can get them tomorrow when we wake up. We can go early, before the rest even gets up or maybe you want to wait until we get back, I’d understand that too. I’m just saying ---“

“Blake, baby, breathe”, Gwen laughs while shushing him. “I brought one with me. I felt like this trip would probably be the right time to tell you.”  
  
The fear and anxiety he’d seen in her eyes earlier is making place for a much lighter look, indicating that deep down she might’ve expected him to react negatively when it came down to it; his own excitement reassuring her enough of the opposite. There’s a truth in her eyes he secretly hoped for all along, knocking the wind straight out of him. He loves this woman more than anything in the world, the thought of having created something together of that magnitude rendering him speechless before remembering the task at hand.  
  
“Do you want to take it now?”  
  
He can sense some hesitation from her part and addresses it purposefully. “You don’t want to?”  
  
“ _I do_.” She says. “I just don’t want to disappoint you, and Blake, there’s still a chance I’m just late and this is all just a coincidence.”  
  
“If that’s the case, we’ll make the best of it. Like I’ve told you before, I want a life with _you_. That’s most important and that’s a constant –nothing will change that. But what if we’re lucky enough, Gwen? You don’t think that’s worth finding out soon?”  
  
Gwen moves back into him a little bit more, retracting a chuckle from Blake as his hands come around her back. “You promise?”  
  
“I promise. I’m here for you no matter what. These results will change nothing about my love and commitment to you.”  
  
Her hand gently caresses his face, as he leans into her touch and places a soft kiss on her hand. She smiles at the gesture and captures her bottom lip between her teeth.  
  
“Let’s do this.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Gwen, Blake, over here.”  
  
Dot’s voice was loud in the early morning hour, but her enthusiasm was infectious. They decided to skip breakfast, for the sole reason Gwen can’t eat so early in the day, meeting his mom and sister out in the backyard around nine. His mom’s grinning to them when she sees them approach, holding hands. Blake looks at Gwen, to see her smiling right back. He’s forever relieved they all seem to get along so well. His mother seems genuinely excited to see them both.  
  
“We’re about to take a morning walk in the woods. Come on”, his mom reaches out for Gwen’s arm, dragging her along, causing their hands to untangle from each other. Gwen shoots him an apologetic smile before turning her attention back to his mom.  
  
He walks behind them for most of the walk, his sister and stepfather accompanying him. He spends most of his time bringing them up to speed about how he and Gwen exactly met and surprisingly enough, it feels natural to get it all out. Despite of the fact he’s never felt the whole family connection. It’s something he suddenly misses more as the conversation goes on. Every now and then he glances forward to the two women walking side by side, seemingly off in another deep conversation. He’s convinced Gwen can just talk to everyone.  
  
“Your mom’s really glad you’re back home, son.”  
  
His stepfather brings him back from that space he drifted off to, the look on his face being one of gratitude but also a bit of judgement. He can’t even really judge the man; he hasn’t treated his mother right; he knows that now. He’s looking out for his wife just like Blake would for Gwen.  
  
He can’t do anything but hit him with the truth. “Glad to be back”, he says sincerely. “I should’ve been here sooner.”  
  
“More.” His stepfather chimes in.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You should’ve been here _more_. Not sooner.”  
  
“Mike!”, his sister exclaims.  
  
“It’s okay Endy.” He shoots his sister’s concerns down gently, before looking at his stepfather who’s still demanding some sort of explanation. “You’re right. I just couldn’t be here and not get confronted with certain things. I wasn’t ready for that and blamed you guys. I’m sorry.”  
  
He didn’t expect an apology to come out so easily, but it seems to have been on the tip of his tongue for a while now. The hurt look on his stepfather’s face was enough to give him that final push. He’s nearly choking on the emotions he feels, when Mike puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes lightly. He doesn’t say anything else, just nods and Blake knows it didn’t just make everything alright, but there’s a start. There’s goodwill from both parties and he’s not about to mess it up.  
  
“I’ll talk to her later; I know she deserves that too.” Blake says regarding his mother. Mike just smiles in gratitude, but it’s Endy who has the biggest reaction to his new spoken promise.  
  
“Don’t go this long without seeing us again, you understand?” She throws her arms around his neck after she says the words, while Blake chuckles softly at the impact.

“Whatcha’ talking about? We’ve seen each other pretty recently.”  
  
“You know what I mean.” She deadpans.  
  
He does. Having her fly out to LA a few times so he can see her without having to face the rest of his family, isn’t necessary ideal for neither one of them.

“I’m sorry.”  
  
“I know.” Endy says before pulling back, patting his chest twice. “We’re just glad to have you back. Also, that’s quite a woman you have there.” She winks.  
  
Just as he searches for Gwen still walking in front of him, she looks back at him, catching his gaze just in time. He smiles at her as he watches his mother still deep in conversation with her.

“Yeah, she’s extraordinary.”

  
It’s nearly two hours later when they make their way back into the house. The early morning warmth had made place for a cloudy fog that threatened with rain any given moment, effectively leading the group back into the comfort of a warm house. With everyone gathering in the living room, his mother had isolated herself in the kitchen for a moment to get some warm snacks ready. Instead of walking into the living room himself, he makes a detour through the hallway and walks around the corner of the kitchen area.  
  
His mom seems momentarily surprised to see him, but recovers quickly. “Hey baby, came here to help your old mother out, huh?”  
  
“Sorta”, he chuckles. “What can I do?”  
  
His mom points at the boiling pan on the stove, indicating she wants him to turn it off.

“You can get these out of there and present them on a plate. When he’s about to get to his task determinately, she stops him with a gentle hand on his arm. “Carefully please”, she adds strictly.  
  
“I didn’t even start yet and you’re already correcting me.”  
  
Dot chuckles at his smart remark, before going back to her own task. “I _know_ you.”  
  
It’s funny how true and false that statement is all at the same time. He doesn’t blame his mom for all the things she doesn’t know; he hasn’t been here nearly enough for that’s to be even possible. But he wants to make a change now more than ever.

“Thank you for having me and Gwen over”, he starts carefully. It’s weird suddenly, having to start this conversation with his mom, so long overdue. “I can’t tell you how much it means to us.”  
  
She looks up at him like he just spoke another language.

“Ofcourse Blake. Why in the hell wouldn’t I invite y’all over here? You’re family.”  
  
“I haven’t treated you as such.”  
  
“ _Blake_ – “  
  
“Please let me say this”, he interjects. He can tell his mom has certain objections, but she backs off nonetheless and lets him speak. “I was in pain and I took it out on you. I couldn’t handle losing da—Richard, before I got the chance to say certain things and I couldn’t stand to see you guys…...accepting it.”  
  
“Oh Blake.” His mom sounds heartbroken and he wonders if the hug she takes from him is for him or her own broken heart. “We made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes you suffered from.”  
  
“We all suffer.”  
  
His mom nods softly. “Yes, we do. There’s no choice in that, but there is a choice in how we chose to handle it. I didn’t handle your suffering right, Blake. You know I love you, right?”  
  
With his mom hugging his chest, he realizes how much he’s missed the warmth of her hugs and the gentleness of her voice when she comforts him like this. It’s a big step in recovery when he realizes he wants her in his life again, aware of how much she helps steady him.  
  
“I love you too, mom.”  
  
He doesn’t have to say anything else, he looks into his mother’s eyes next and it’s almost like he can feel a part of his life making sense again. He doesn’t believe in quick fixes, but this comes pretty damn close. She pulls away entirely when she realizes her snacks are getting cold and pats him on his shoulder one more time for good measure.

“Care to bring these to your lovely girlfriend. They are vegetarian.”  
  
He smiles at her briefly, a corner seems to be turned. “Thank you.”  
  
  
  
  
The room is humid and warm after Gwen descends from the shower, the towel the only thing shielding his body from his intense stare as she walks towards the bed.  
  
“Today’s been intense.” She says softly, before tying up her hair in a messy ponytail. “I mean that in a good way.”  
  
He tries to focus on her words, but all he can think about is how incredibly she looks just now, --always. There’s a longing to have her near him, feel her against his skin, feel the warmth of her hands on him, the spiciness of her lips on his, or the way her face lingers against him right before he makes her come.  
  
Instead of voicing any of these desires, he answers her previous statement.

“Yeah, long day.” He muses absently.  
  
“You’re in there?” She laughs knowingly, before discarding the towel and crawling into bed next to him. He knows she’s fully aware of what she’s doing to him, but he can’t find the strength within him to tease her back.  
  
“You’re incredible, you know that?” He speaks to her, but his eyes are focused on her body, his hands busy feeling her up under the covers.  
  
“We can’t….”, she giggles.  
  
“Really? What if I promise to be quick _and_ keep you quiet?”  
  
She moans against his mouth as he moves to roll her underneath him, before locking his lips on hers. His hands wander from her smooth chest, all the way down to her inner thighs, before touching her where he knows she needs him most. Usually he’d want to drag this out, tease her, make her beg, but tonight is different. He skips most of the foreplay, enters her as soon as he feels she’s ready.  
  
Her soft gasps and whimpers are the only sounds to be heard in the room, her occasional moans swallowed by his kisses. He cradles her gently when he feels her hovering close to that edge, giving her a final dramatic thrust that sends her over that edge. She cries out softly against his lips, before emptying himself inside of her.  
  
He moves her to lay against him when she finally calms down some, his back resting against the headboard while Gwen lays quietly on his chest, as her breathing evens out.

With his eyes closed, he thinks back to 24 hours earlier. They were laid up pretty much exactly like this when Gwen brought up her possible pregnancy. His hands tighten involuntarily on her back and she seems to notice.  
  
When she looks up at him, she speaks the words she couldn’t express yet last night. The shock and excitement drawing out any words she possibly could’ve spoken last night.  
  
She buries her face in the crook of his neck. “You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known, you know that? _We’re_ so lucky to have you.”  
  
Not trusting his own voice, he shakes his head at the increasing wetness in his eyes, an overwhelming sense of gratitude and change filling his body. Not only does his heart fully belong to the woman in his arms, she’s also made more room for others. He’s in the process of opening up still, but he knows that he’ll never love anything or anyone as much as he already loves this child—and its mother.  
  
“You’re going to be an amazing dad.”  
  
That seems to do it. His whole body breaks down in goosebumps, these words he’s never heard before, never thought he’d ever hear, are enough to repair some broken things he didn’t even realize were broken. He pulls her tighter into his arms, while choking out his next words.  
  
“You don’t even know what you’re doing to me, Gwen.”  
  
“Are you happy?”  
  
He looks down at her rapidly, making sure she’s asking because she wants reassurances of what she already knows or because she’s truly doubting.

“Are you kidding me? I’ve never been happier. Gwen, I don’t think there’s anything in this life that I want more. Besides you.”  
  
He can see in her eyes that she expected this answer, yet there’s a sigh of relief leaving her lips.

“This is really happening”, she whispers.  
  
“It really is.”  
  
“Are we gonna tell your family?”  
  
He knows it’s probably the right thing to do, he wants to tell them, but he just mended things with his relatives – the prospect of telling them about this now, was not necessarily on the top of his list, but after today he can’t deny that he wants them to be a part of this as soon as possible.  
  
“I’m following you on this, Blake. I’m not making you do anything you’re not ready for.”  
  
Sensing his internal struggle, she doesn’t stay quiet for long. And he loves her even more for it. This is undoubtedly the best period of his life, meeting Gwen has been an eye-opener in so many ways, -- she’s been healing for him in every way. Telling his family is not just for them, it’s for her. And him. They deserve this.  
  
“I think we should tell them tomorrow before we leave”, he says softly. “Not sharing this happiness would be kinda selfish now, wouldn’t it?”  
  
Picking up on his reasoning, she smiles and looks down bashfully. “Maybe a little.”

He laughs a little at that. “For now, I just want to hold you guys and not think about everything else. Is that okay?”  
  
He finds himself nervous when he asks, but her beaming smile and glistering eyes looking up at him are enough to shred most of that.  
  
“Cowboy, that’s more than okay.”  
  
She turns to lay almost on top of him and his arm comes around her back, pressing her body against his more prominently. He feels her little intakes of breath against his chest, feeling them get softer and softer with each passing moment until he’s sure she’s drifted off.  
  
Back in his mother’s house, with his pregnant girlfriend –the love of his life—laying in his arms, life seems almost perfect. It’s no surprise he’s made mistakes to last him a lifetime, he’s taken every path to get here except for the straight one, but he’s gotten here. For that he’s eternally grateful, even if he doesn’t quite know who’s responsible for all these mistakes turning into blessings. His mind wanders off to his ex-wife quickly, not because he misses her, but because she played such a big part as to why he’s here tonight. With Gwen. Maybe he can finally fully let go of all the resentment now, as all _her_ mistakes lead him straight to where he was always supposed to end up.  
  
He’s about to be a father. He’s about to bring a life into this world, a life he will influence from the very beginning. As terrifying as the thought is, he wants nothing more but to give this little person everything until he has nothing else left to give. It’s a strange sensation to realize he already loves him or her more than anything else in life. When he realizes how his bitterness towards the world lessens with only the thought of his unborn child, he can’t help but shed a few tears. He looks down at Gwen sleeping unbothered on his chest and tries to keep the shocking of his body in control so he doesn’t wake her.  
  
He lets out tears for the fact his heart is opening at the seams, he cries for the love he has for the woman in his arms, he cries for all the love he’ll give this child that he didn’t receive from his own father, he might even shed a few over the fact he’ll never be able to introduce the little one to his old man. If this child is already capable of opening his own heart up to the world, he can’t help but think about the opportunity it would’ve been for his own dad.  
  
There’s love and light in places he never even knew existed.  
  
There’s Gwen. Therefore, there will always be love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 more chapters left. Thank you for everyone who still reads this story. They will get their happy ending xo


	19. Chapter 19

These last two days have been life-changing to say the least. In his broken state, he left a trail of destruction in its wake, adding his family to the list of the aftermath. But life had a funny way of shifting things around sometimes and Blake’s gotten lucky; he knows that. He has a mom that loves him, a caring sister and a more than decent stepdad, not to mention his extraordinary girlfriend he one hundredth percent lucked out on.  
  
It’s not often he finds himself in such smooth waters, the ripples slowly subsiding while the waves wash him clean of all the dirt on his hands. His homecoming hasn’t been this massive deal, there were no parties thrown or anything necessarily eventful, but his family had taken him in with open arms, ignoring the fact he hadn’t been around much. They’d opened their hearts and home to Gwen after seeing the damaging effect his ex-wife has had on him.  
  
He’s in a place in his life where all he wants to do is love and be loved. And maybe that doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. Maybe that’s more than possible even.  
  
He’s fidgeting on his feet when they’re getting ready to say their goodbyes and he’s never able to hide anything from her; that’s one thing that has stayed the same during all these changes lately.  
  
“Are you alright?” Her sweet voice comes, her hands resting on both sides of his hip.  
  
He doesn’t know if it’s something about her out here in Oklahoma or the newfound knowledge of her being pregnant, but she radiates beauty even more than before. He finds it hard to ignore, but refrains himself from telling her more than a few times a day, just because he knows she doesn’t always find compliments to be the easiest to accept. Another constant that doesn’t seem to change while all the rest does.  
  
Her hair is tied up in a messy bun resting on top of her head, her jeans are baggy but still manage to hug her around her waist, the black tank top she’s wearing leaves something to the imagination, but screams sex-appeal all the same. She looks divine.  
  
“You’re doing that thing again”, she muses.  
  
“What thing?”  
  
She bites her lip momentarily, her hands tightening on his hips as she draws herself closer to him. “Going all quiet, looking at me like I’m the best thing you’ve ever seen.”  
  
“You are.”

His words are dripping honesty; he’s never seen anything like her ever. It’s not even worthy of pondering or hesitating on, she’s the epitome of beauty and everything else in the world falls flat in comparison.  
  
He wonders if he said these last few sentences out loud, because she lowers her head bashfully and runs her hands up to his chest, gripping his shirt softly, but just enough to feel the fabric getting pulled into her tiny hands.  
  
“Are you sad we’re leaving?”

Instead of answering her question, he brings his fingers down to her chin as he lifts her face up just enough to lean down and capture her lips with his. It’s not frantic, he doesn’t deepen it either, just takes in the softness of her lips and the sweetness of her tongue when she grants him access. He pulls away after a few minutes, still holding her face close to his.  
  
She seems to be catching her breath as she speaks. “Was that your way of saying you’re not sad about leaving?”  
  
“That was my way of saying thank you.”  
  
Her eyebrows raise while he can see her swallow, the taste of her lips still on his mouth while he fights the urge to take them again. “For what?”  
  
“For making me come here, for going with me, for making me better. Choose your pick.”  
  
The look in her eyes convey so much more than words ever could; he knows the feeling is mutual, the admiration and desire for each other goes both ways, but he loves it when she fully takes in the magnitude of what she’s done for him and continues to do.  
  
“You make me better too, you know?”  
  
He doesn’t have time to answer before a familiar voice interrupts their little moment. They both turn around quickly to face an uncharacteristically sad-looking Dot. She skips all formalities before walking up to Blake, placing both hands on his cheeks.

“I don’t mean to intrude, but I know you guys are leaving in a minute and I just need to have a few moments with you too. I don’t know when you’ll be back again.”  
  
His mom’s words hurt, but he can’t let that show right now. Not when his own actions are the sole cause for the words even being spoken. He can see Gwen smile softly from the corner of his eye as she places a gentle hand on Dot’s arm.

“I’ll give you guys a minute.”  
  
“No Gwen, angel, stay.”  
  
Blake and Gwen are both equally surprised at his mom’s words, but neither are too sad about it. The way his mom was drawn to Gwen from the very beginning is something he’ll never forget or will take lightly.  
  
“I didn’t mean that in an accusatory way by the way, Blake. I’m really glad you’re here now, the rest is forgotten, it’s just…”  
  
“—You don’t have to explain yourself, mom. I get it.” Blake cuts in, not wanting to hear his mom apologize for something she’s not to blame for. “Things are different now, I’m in a better place”, he says while bringing his mom in for a hug. “I promise.”  
  
“And you, Gwen….”, Dot says when she finally pulls away from his embrace and faces her. “You’ve been a real treat. Please come back soon, you’re more than welcome anytime.”  
  
Blake sees the emotion that’s threatening to take over on her face and places an arm securely around her back, offering support in any way he can. He’s aware it’s the good kind of emotion, but seeing her cry will always be his kryptonite, no matter what the reason.  
  
“It was all my pleasure. You and your family have been so kind to me. I can definitely see where Blake gets it from.”  
  
“You’re just _too_ cute”, his mom exclaims in a high pitch, before locking eyes with her son again. “Don’t mess this one up, Blakey.”  
  
He chuckles in response, rubbing slow circles on Gwen’s lower back as he addresses them both. “I’m in this for the long haul.”  
  
There’s a touch of extra gentleness in Gwen’s eyes when she looks up at him and he knows she’s contemplating the same thing he is – the moment turning a bit tenser as nerves suddenly creep up his body. This sure is a moment he never expected to experience.  
  
He knows that it would be more ideal to have his whole family in the same room before they share the news, but it suddenly seems almost disrespectful not to inform his mother now. The way she’s standing in front of them, bearing her heart and soul to them both, makes for the perfect moment.  
  
“We actually have some exciting news to tell you.” Blake starts while his mom’s focus now shifts fully onto him. “Gwen, do you want to…--“  
  
“Go ahead”, she whispers.  
  
The corners of his mouth twitch as the nerves and excitement seem to be too much for his body to handle. When he speaks the words, it’s with a certain confidence and warmth that’s been foreign to him up until now.  
  
“Gwen’s pregnant. We’re having a baby.”  
  
There’s something about the way Dot’s face lights up; the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of her stomach and the way the sun has somehow toppled down from the sky and settled in right there in heart, before she throws her arms around them both.  
  
“Are you serious?” She asks while still holding on to them tightly. Blake nods while sharing a soft smile with Gwen, who just seems to take the moment in, before he can feel his mom starting to cry.

He’s stunned into silence for a while and is grateful for Gwen’s presence once again.  
  
“We just found out, _but yeah_ , you’re having a grandbaby.”

The words send chills up Blake’s spine, no matter how many times they’ve said the words out loud to each other, ever since they found out.  
  
Dot pulls away slightly to look at them properly, tears staining her cheeks and the biggest smile complementing her lips. She lets go of Gwen momentarily to take Blake’s hand in hers, nudging him softly as she speaks.

“You were meant to be a dad, Blake. I know that, I’ve _always_ known that.”  
  
His mother’s words are so gentle; he almost finds himself tearing up but he’s able to refrain himself. Instead he squeezes his mom’s hands and brings them up to his mouth to place a quick kiss there. “I hope you’re right, mom.”  
  
“She is.” Gwen interjects.  
  
Dot shares an appreciative smile with Gwen. “That child is going to be the luckiest person alive with you two as the parents. I might be a simple country woman, but I know a gem when I see one, and you…. you’re going to be amazing, Gwen. Congratulations.”  
  
He’s been through this leaving process numeral times but this time is damn near cruel. After his mom had calmed down from the shock a little, and finally let them leave the room, they gathered the rest of the family together to break the news for a second time that day. It’s been easily the most emotional, sentimental day he’s had with his relatives so far and it’s all the proof he needs to know that not all sentiment is to stray away from. This might be something he’s been wanting and missing all his life; a genuine connection, something to miss and hold onto while he’s away.  
  
Congratulations are being thrown all over the place, hugs and kisses and even a few more tears are shed while they share the news and get ready to leave. Even though he’s sad to leave, there’s a contentment that won’t leave him alone for a second; he’s gained more than he ever dared to imagine in only one weekend and it’s nearly enough to make him explode with positive feelings he can’t quite place—or put into words.  
  
After saying their goodbyes and loading their bags into the truck, they finally headed out to the airport, leaving the Oklahoma view behind as they went. Gwen was quiet during the flight home, her eyes fighting to stay open for most of the trip and he noticed immediately. Pulling her into him firmly, he ordered her to close her eyes and get some rest, while he just held her close. Something he will never get enough of.  
  
  


4 months later  
  
  
He tries not to worry too much; not when she spends even more time in the bathroom than usual, not when she needs to take several naps during the day, he even tries to control his worries when she gets the worst morning sickness. He prides himself for not caving most of the time.

Today is not one of those days.  
  
“Baby, is this normal?”  
  
Her back is leaning against his chest while he rubs slow circles over her stomach, as requested. Her body stiffens with every wave of sharp pain as she tries to catch her breath after every single one. She doesn’t reply to his question, but when she gasps and launches forward, nearly dislodging his arm that’s holding her, he has had enough.  
  
“OK, come on. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

His voice is gentle but determined; he’s getting her there one way or another.  
  
“Blake no, I’m okay. It’s already subsiding”, she says softly, but the shakiness of her voice betrays her current state.  
  
“Can you stand up?” He asks softly, ignoring her little protest.

He hears her sigh deeply once, but feels her move in his arms nonetheless. She takes a deep breath before pushing herself up out of his arms and holds onto him as she steadies herself on her feet.  
  
His body seems to be on autopilot as he can think about nothing else but getting her in the car and into the hospital. He helps Gwen into her shoes and coat, before grabbing the car keys off the kitchen table and holding open the car doors. He sees her wince when she sits down into the passenger’s seat and another wave of panic surges through his body at the sight. He knows he needs to stay calm and keep it together for her sake, but he’s pretty sure he’s never experienced fear like this.  
  
He pulls into the emergency room entrance, before locking his arm with hers, while ushering her inside. He can see the fear in her eyes and places a quick peck on the top of her head.

“You’re going to be just fine, Gwen. We’re _all_ going to be fine.”  
  
She nods at his words, probably too tired and hurting too much to fight him. He’s grateful for the zero protest, cause he’s not sure about how reassuring he can be in the midst of his own panic.

They’re told by the emergency desk to take a seat in the waiting room until the doctor is ready to see them and as much as he feels like making a scene—she needs someone now—he’s also well-aware that probably won’t help much. Besides, her eyes are begging him to hold her. Her head is leaning onto his shoulder while he softly nudges her from time to time to help distract her from the pain she must be feeling.  
  
“I’m scared, Blake.”

She says the words so softly he isn’t even sure he heard her right. Her heartbreak eyes looking up at him the next moment confirms that he did though.  
  
“I know, baby. I’m here, okay? You don’t have to hide your fears from me, it’s okay to be scared.”  
  
“What if I just can’t nurse a healthy baby, Blake? What if the same thing happens to me _again_? I can’t go through that a second time.” Her voice breaks on a sob and he forces her head up to look at him.

“Gwen, listen to me. You can’t think like that right now”, her body is trembling in his arms and he’s struggling with how to comfort her, especially with his own fears running wild. “I promise you it’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.”  
  
Even though he knows that most of this is out of both their hands, it’s the only thing he can think of to say. He needs to believe it too; life won’t be so cruel twice.  
  
They sit like that for about ten more minutes before the doctor comes to get them. He’s relieved it didn’t take that long, knowing the waiting time could’ve been much worse. They’re escorted to another room, where she’s instructed to lay down onto the bed while the doctor asks her some quick, informative questions. After a quick introduction and establishing Gwen’s four months pregnant, she addresses the problem at hand.  
  
“Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now, Gwen?”  
  
“I’ve been having these really intense cramps on my lower abdomen for almost a day straight now, but these last couple of hours have been extra horrible. I’m scared it might not be normal.”  
  
Blake’s eyes fill up at the fear and sadness in her voice and wants nothing more than to wrap her up tightly into his arms, shielding her from any kind of pain the world might put her through. He stands by her side, his arms holding onto the hospital bed in front of him for dear life.  
  
The doctor seems to pick up on their fears quickly as she smiles at them sweetly and starts distracting them with some filler questions while she turns on the screen to hook Gwen up on the ultra sound.  
  
“Have you been through one of these before, Miss?” She smiles sweetly.  
  
Blake looks up at Gwen supportively, giving her the confidence to utter her next words.  
  
“I, I have”, she starts hesitantly, “But I didn’t get this far into the pregnancy.”  
  
He notices she can’t always say the word out loud and his heart breaks a little more for her. Finding out his ex-wife got an abortion without consulting him had broken his heart and spirit in more ways than he can remember, but he can’t imagine what it must be like to carry a child yourself and losing it. He doesn’t know how she was ever able to come back from that, but it’s also _that_ strength that gives him hope in this situation.  
  
The doctor seems to pick up on what’s going on too, as she nods sympathetically.

“I know pregnancies can be really scary, especially after having gone through problems before, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves yet, okay? These sharp pains you’re experiencing can be fully normal in your second trimester.”  
  
Gwen seems to relax a little bit at her words, which brings a small smile onto his face. His heart-rate speeds up again when Gwen lifts her shirt for the doctor to apply the gel and they’re just waiting for the sound of a heartbeat to fill the room. He’s about to pass out from anxiety when a quiet thump reaches his ears.

His eyes are fixated on the screen in front of him when the doctor speaks up happily.  
  
“There’s your baby!” She exclaims, “Everything looks normal to me. I think the pains you’re experiencing are ligaments pains, which are completely normal, especially during the 20-week mark.”  
  
Blake doesn’t think he’s ever heard words more beautiful, but looking down at Gwen makes it clear she’s stopped listening, her eyes glued to the monitor. He smiles at the look of love and adoration on her face and bites his lip softly.  
  
“Would you like to know your baby’s gender?”   
  
That makes Gwen’s face shoot up to Blake’s, the shock and relief of it all made them both forget about the possibility of even finding out. “Blake, do you…”  
  
“It’s up to you, baby. What do you want?”  
  
It’s her turn to bite her lip before she turns her attention back to the doctor and nods. “I want to know.”  
  
“I’m happy to inform you guys you’re having a little baby girl.”  
  
He can’t help it then; a soft gasp escapes his mouth as tears threaten to spill. Gwen reaches out for his hand and squeezes before looking up at him. He’s not surprised to see tears in her eyes as well, the realization hitting them both hard.  
  
“ _Oh my god, Blake_.”  
  
“I’ll give you guys a minute.” The doctor says before disappearing in the next moment, leaving the two parents alone for a bit.  
  
“We’re having a girl”, Gwen muses softly; almost in disbelief.  
  
Blake doesn’t know what to say. He’s gone from scared out of his mind to feeling an overwhelming excitement and he can’t seem to catch up with all these different emotions. When he takes another look at the screen in front of him, it suddenly becomes real: that’s their little girl.  
  
“I love her.” He whispers suddenly. “I love her so much already, is that weird?”  
  
Gwen shakes her head before giggling softly. “No, that’s normal. I mean that’s _our child_ right there.”  
  
“A _girl_ ……I’m already in so much trouble.”  
  
She laughs at that and his heart swells up at the sound. Hearing that sweet sound coming out of her mouth after all the dreading and anxiety she just went through, is heavenly to his ears. He grabs her hand and brings it up to his face before peppering it with soft kisses.

“I love you so much, Gwen.”  
  
She sniffs as a few tears fall from her eyes, but he doesn’t reach out to whisk them away, doesn’t move an inch, just keeps holding her hand, nodding softly against them. “Forever.”

 

*


	20. Delaney Lynn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cursive parts are flashbacks to earlier chapters. Enjoy!

It’s been a crazy couple of months to say the least; his mother has been coming to visit them twice after they left, helping them out with the pregnancy, but mostly to pry into their personal life a bit more and bathe in the company she’s missed out on for so long. The pregnancy for Gwen had been quite calm, with the occasional pains and expected hurdles along the way.  
  
Even the decorating of the baby room had been smooth sailing for the most part. He knew better than to interfere too much with whatever Gwen had come up with in her mind, just asked for a bit of compromise on the unnecessary accessories. He wanted their baby girl to have everything her heart desired as well, but he didn’t want to get nauseous everytime he walked into her nursery either; with a bit of gentle persuading, he managed to get the millions of mobiles hanging above her crib reduced to a more moderate amount. On all the rest, she’d gently told him “just to deal” and deal with it he will.  
  
He’d never seen Gwen so into life before and that says a lot, because Gwen is the most alive person he knows; she makes the best of everyday and isn’t afraid to go all-in, in situations where a happy ending isn’t always guaranteed. But with the baby on the way, she’s been unstoppable. Her dreams seemed to triple and her confidence grew with the days.  
  
She’s been remarkable and his love for her grew even more during these months; seeing her up and running, talking to people, charming everyone with her bubbly self, he’s reminded of just how much.  
  
Her skin is glowing, her hair is perfectly done, the smile she’s wearing is a lazy one, but genuine regardless. She must be exhausted, but she doesn’t stray away from the opportunity to talk to everyone. She’s letting the love and admiration wash over her like he wishes she would every single day. Her beauty is evergreen, her spirit shining bright and he loves her. He unconditionally, one-hundredth percent loves her.  
  
She walks over to where he’s standing, smiling as he watches her come near him. She’s happy, it shows in everything she does; from the way she talks, the way she walks and the way she carries herself. She’s always been the most elegant, fierce woman he’s ever gotten to meet, but something about that intensifies when she’s truly happy.  
  
Her long nails lightly skim over his arm and he wonders when she possibly could’ve found the time to get these done. “Hi baby.”  
  
He smiles lovingly down on her, pulling her into him so her head rests softly on his chest, right underneath his chin. “Hi, darlin’.”  
  
“Your mom has been telling me so much about you, just now”, she giggles into his shirt.  
  
“I bet she has.”  
  
“She was telling me about that one time when you were younger and they took you fishing for the first time and….”-  
  
“How about…...”, he says dramatically before shutting her up with a kiss. “We leave that story in the past where it belongs.”

She looks at him playfully and wiggles her eyebrows teasingly. “Really? Because I really loved that story.”  
  
“Yeah but you love me more.”  
  
Not even pretending to think about it, she nods fiercely before kissing him back again. “I sure do.”  
  
Their little moment gets rudely interrupted when high-pitched crying sounds make its way through the little babyphone on the dresser. They pull away quickly, the newness of it all still making these moments a little nerve-wrecking. Gwen makes her way out of the living room, towards the staircase, but Blake stops her with a gentle hand on her arm.  
  
“I got it. You go be with our families.”  
  
She smiles sweetly before taking off into the other direction again, leaving Blake on his own devices. This is the part he’s always doubted he’d be good at. All the parenting books in the world couldn’t take away his stress about not being good enough, but it’s been comforting in so many ways to find out that even he fell into a familiar rhythm as soon as she was born.  
  
Walking into the colourful nursery, it made his heart swell up inside of his chest. The noises coming from the little crib were the only things that kept him from full on smiling, but the happiness was there nonetheless. Tiny fingers curl around his pinky and it’s enough to make him almost combust with love for this person that he helped create.  
  
Her eyes are wide open now whilst crying; maybe it’s the strange world she’s finally seeing after life in the womb, just like her legs kicking in tiny, jagged motions just like she would do before being born, only now, she’s kicking against nothing but air. She’s restless and it makes him feel like thousand feet tall when he picks her up carefully and she drops the resistance, just goes quiet against his chest.  
  
“Hey baby girl”, he whispers softly while rocking her gently. It’s a scary thing to be responsible for something so tender and small. He realized the first day they got to take her home that holding her in his arms took some courage; she was so small – he was afraid to break her. Gwen had been better at that altogether, but then again, he can’t compete with natural mother instincts. “Were you sad to be missing out on the party? There are quite some people here for you.”  
  
When her lips twitch a little like she’s smiling, he chooses to believe that’s exactly what she’s doing. Who knew someone could bottle up all the sunshine in the world and let him experience it just by flashing a smile. He wants to drink this moment in, her little face more brilliant than he could have ever imagined, her wrinkly hands that keep trying to latch on to one of his fingers so delicate.  
  
He’s so deep in awe of her in his arms, he doesn’t even notice Gwen coming closer and claiming her own little piece of heaven. Stroking softly over her head, she smiles up at him. “I can’t believe how beautiful she is”, she says shyly.  
  
“I can.” Is all he says while looking at Gwen determinedly. “There’s no way she wouldn’t turn out this beautiful with her mom looking like she does.” Gwen bites her lip in that bashful manner she always does. “I’m just glad she didn’t take over my looks.”  
  
The joke served as a way out of bashfulness for Gwen and she smiles at him appreciatively, but pushes softly against his bicep. “You’re crazy, cowboy.”  
  
A couple seconds later, she speaks up again. “You think she’s ready to join the party for a bit?”  
  
Blake hums in thought before placing a soft kiss on his daughter’s head. “I think we should go and find out.”  
  
Gwen stretches out her arms indicating she wants to take her and he smiles gently. As much as he loves holding her, he loves watching Gwen interact with her almost equally as much. She was born to be a mother and there’s nothing more precious to him than witnessing that becoming reality in front of his eyes. Handing her over carefully, he watches Gwen readjust her gently in her arms before getting lost in her eyes herself.  
  
He can’t blame her; it keeps happening to him too. He places a soft hand on her lower back and leads her back downstairs into the crowd of visitors.  
  
“Hey man!” He recognizes that voice anywhere; he’s actually been able to build a real close friendship with the guy.

“Todd!”  
  
“Jen’s in love with her, man. Gotta be careful she doesn’t take her home at the end of the day.”  
  
Blake smiles largely at his words as he takes in the view in front of him. Gwen and Jen are both sitting next to each other, taking turns making funny faces at the little one in her lap. “I can’t blame her; I still can’t believe she’s ours.”  
  
“Believe it, dude.”  
  
He takes a sip from his beer before offering to get Blake one, which he gently shoots down.

“You know what Blake, I haven’t gotten the chance to do this yet, but I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for Gwen. The way you are with her is impressive really, it’s what she deserves but never seemed to get right before you. As her brother, I can’t tell you how much it means to see my sister being loved right for once. Thank you.”  
  
The quickness in which Todd just turned to narrative of the conversation left Blake speechless, the words he just spoke hitting him somewhere deep in his chest.

“Woah man, I appreciate you for saying that.” Words still seemed to fail him for a while, which caused him to just bring the younger man in for a hug. “I love her, always will. You got my word on that.”  
  
Todd smiles back at his response, patting his back twice before pulling away. “I know.”  
  
  
  
  
“You wanna hold her, Jen?” Gwen asks sweetly, not blind to the fact her sister in law has been watching her with heart-eyes the whole time. Jen’s eyes light up at the question and she impatiently holds out her hands in a “gimme” manner.  
  
She doesn’t know if it’s a newly-mother thing, but she feels a pang of nerves go through her body every time someone else holds her, even with Blake. It’s this protective instinct that kicked in right after she was born, making it hard for Gwen to let go of her even in the slightest. Knowing that Jen has done this twice before makes it only a bit easier.  
  
“She’s so cute.” Jen muses softly, apparently in trance with the baby on her lap. Gwen scans the room to find Blake still in conversation with her brother and smiles; Blake has opened himself up to so much. When she first met him, he strayed away from any kind of attachment and now he’s not only mingling with his own family, but hers as well.  
  
Blake is that gift from God she’s been waiting for all her life. He’s helped her heal, helped her grow into herself more and did all that without ever realizing. He’s what’s kept her sane, in the contrary of his own beliefs sometimes. Deep in thought, she jumps slightly when Dot taps her shoulder gently, asking her to scoot over a bit.  
  
Making sure not to crush Jen and the baby, she scoots up enough for Dot to be able to sit on the couch as well. Her sweet smile works miracles just like Blake’s, she’s come to find out.  
  
“Everything alright, sweetheart?”  
  
Dot’s accent gets so thick sometimes when she hasn’t been around too much and Gwen giggles softly. “I’m good.”  
  
Dot bites her lip briefly as if she’s contemplating whether to say whatever’s on her mind. Gwen knows better than to interrupt her, she’s well-aware of the fact that Dot doesn’t bite her tongue often.  
  
“You know you don’t have to say that just because people expect you to be the happiest you’ve ever been right now, right?”  
  
_“I am_ ”, she clarifies quickly. “It’s just…...” She shudders out a gasp and feels tears prick behind her eyes. “What if I’m not going to be good at this?”  
  
She looks up at Dot who’s looking at her with a gentle smile, before pulling her into her arms. Gwen’s brave façade falls immediately as she lets Blake’s mother comfort her for a second. “Sweetie, you’re going to be a great mom. You already are.”  
  
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” She whispers.  
  
Dot chuckles lightly. “No mother ever does.”  
  
“Listen to her, Gwennie. Don’t stress yourself about this, you got this.” Jen buts in sweetly.  
  
“Does it make me a horrible person that I miss _her_ a little bit more now?” Her breath catches and she feels Blake’s mom’s hold on her tightening slightly. “I mean, I love my baby and I love the life I have now, but all this happiness just makes me feel guilty right now. Like she………”  
  
“...Should’ve been here.”, Dot finishes.

Gwen nods softly, unable to look Dot or her sister-in law in the eyes after her admission.

“Did Blake tell you he lost his brother when he was little?”  
  
Gwen sniffs before nodding, the conversation she had with Blake forever imprinted on her frontal lobe. She feels Dot take a deep breath in before continuing.

“When he passed, I felt like I’d never experience happiness again. Then when I did, I’d feel guilty for doing so; I felt guilty at my kid’s graduation, I felt guilty at Endy’s wedding, I felt guilty about so many things, until I realized the most important thing.”  
  
“What’s the most important thing?” Gwen asks timidly.  
  
“That there’s no happiness without forgiveness, Gwen. You have to forgive yourself.”  
  
She can’t help herself then, tears pour from her eyes onto her shirt as she sobs quietly into Dot’s embrace. Guilt rips at her insides, but so does hope.  
  
“You deserve to live a happy life. It’s the most beautiful gift you can give _both_ your baby’s. You understand that, right?”  
  
The loss of a child she never got to know makes for an incredible amount of love within her to burst free. Her baby deserves that, Blake deserves that and all the other incredible people in her life do. “Thank you, mom.”  
  
“How are my favorite ladies doing?”

A deep country drawl reaches her ears and she feels herself calm down immediately. Something about his presence demands a peace deep within her; it’s a natural familiarity and trust she can revel in. She looks behind her to find Blake standing with both hands gripping the head of the couch, as his face drops while taking in Gwen’s tear-stained face.  
  
“Baby, what’s wrong?” She hates herself for making him worry, especially because she knows it’s hard for her to explain.  
  
“Nothing is wrong, baby. I just had a little moment—I’m alright now.”  
  
“Nothing a little motherly love can’t fix.” Dot chimes in supportively, winking at Gwen.  
  
Neither one of their replies seemed to do much to fix Blake’s worries and she took it upon herself to calm him down. Carefully standing up, she walks over to where Blake’s standing and puts both her hands on each side of his face. “I’m alright, Blake. Please trust me.”  
  
“You were crying.”  
  
“Yes I was.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
She exhales deeply and brings him in for a hug, holding herself close to his body. She wants to explain, tell him she just got insecure as some deep-rooted insecurities made their way to the surface, but something deep inside seems to stop her from doing so. “Can we talk about it later, without all these people here?”  
  
She can tell he dislikes the idea, but his defences lessen and his grip on her tightens. She loves how affectionate he’s become, how openly vulnerable he gets with her now; it makes her feel like he finally fully trusts her, like he finally fully _wants_ her.  
  
“Alright. But promise me we’ll talk about this later?”  
  
“I promise.”  
  
  
  
Later that night, with all their families gone home and the little one in her crib—the crying had died down about an hour ago—he finds himself hovering over her while she’s typing something on her phone. Her fingers still on her screen as she looks up at him mischievously.  
  
“Is there something you want, cowboy?” She asks teasingly.  
  
He places a soft kiss on her collarbone before working his way up to her mouth. “ _You_ ”, he breathes against her lips, “Talking to me.”  
  
He can feel her breathe harshly against his cheek, obviously expecting something else and not being too happy about the plot twist. “You promised”, he adds.  
  
She pushes against his chest slightly, causing him to lay beside her while her arm rests on his chest and her head lowers on his shoulder.  
  
“Sometimes when I look at her, I think about the baby I lost; what she would’ve been like, what she would’ve looked like”, her voice sounds fragile and his heart aches with every word she speaks. “And then I realize how much I love our little girl and I start feeling guilty. I feel guilty because she never got to experience my love—my love wasn’t even enough to keep her alive.”  
  
He’s about to intervene but she stops him accordingly. “I know it’s not fair to myself to think like that, but I can’t help it sometimes and it makes me nervous that I won’t be good at this. It makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself if I mess this up somehow.”  
  
There’s a silence after her speech, his heart feels heavy at the spoken words; his mind is telling him to go against it heavily, tell her how awesome she is, how naturally of a mom she is, how wonderful she is at taking care of people, how she could never mess this up. But his heart tells him to use a different approach.  
  
“Remember when we first met?” He starts softly. Her head tilts slightly to meet his gaze, slightly confused as she nods.  
  
“You told me you wanted to get to know me. I was a dick to you, tried to _run_ from you, but you didn’t care.”

 

  
“ _Don’t run from me, Blake.” Her sweet voice comes. He’s frozen in place as he tries his hardest to fight back these tears threatening to fall. Her soft fingers tracing delicately over the rough skin on his, is enough to reduce him to a boneless mass._

_“You don’t know me.” He whispers._

_She doesn’t miss a beat. “But I want to.”_

_He shakes his head furiously. He wants to get to know her, get close, but he knows he’s not good at this. He knows he’s ruined every good thing in his life and God, he does not want to hurt her._

_“You don’t.” He finds the strength to look at her again and he’s met with a kindness and patience in her eyes he’s not close to deserving of. “I’m not this great guy you meet at a bar, who makes your life better. I’m the person you’ll regret meeting after we’re done. I’m a mess and I’ll leave you in an even bigger one when I leave. You should get away from me.”_

_For a second he thinks he’s gotten through to her; she retreats her hand and stands up next to him. “Get us out of here.”_

 

  
“It took me a while to realize why you did that; why you wouldn’t let me run from you, even though you didn’t know a single thing about me.” He continues. “Want to know what I think?”  
  
She doesn’t talk, just listens and nods furiously, her heartbeat prominent against his chest.  
  
“I believe it’s because you _saw_ me. You realized I had this huge wall up because I was hurting and didn’t believe in anything good, but you also realized I needed someone. You saw someone worth saving, even though I felt like I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. Want to know something else?”  
  
“ _Blake, I—_ “  
  
“When we had our first fight in your bathroom that one time, I did everything I could to push you away and you would’ve been more than right to kick me to the curb. Instead, you taught me about love and bravery.”

  
  
" _You're so fucking naïve," he whispered under his breath._

_She stepped forward, so close to him now. She was shaking her head, doing her best to control herself._

_“If you want to leave, Blake, I won’t stop you. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the past is that people aren’t your property and love doesn’t exclude loss. My past could’ve prevented me from talking to you that first night, but instead I felt like I deserved the possibility of this being good. You can call that whatever you want.”_

_There was a pause after her words. It took him nearly a second to realize he’d mistaken her bravery for being naive and suddenly words didn’t seem good enough._

_He stepped forward, his hand resting on the nape of her neck. “Nothing has ever been like this for me, Gwen. Nothing. I make sure there’s at least some distance between us at all times, because I don’t think you really want all of me.” He speaks the next words in a whisper, but they’re deafening to his ears. “And when you realize that, and want out, I want it to be easy for you.”_

_“You can’t live like that.” Her voice matches his volume._

_“I know. I’m sorry.”_

_He can see the moment her demeanour changes and pulls her into his chest, ignoring the small whimper as he does so._

_There’s still so much to learn about her, she’s lived so much life, but she doesn’t wear it like an armour, instead she carries it as wisdom. Her heart is beaten and bruised just like his, but she’s still willing to lay it all out there at the risk of getting destroyed again. He’s done everything he could to push her away, but she’s still allowing him to hold her._

_It’s a warmth he’s never known before, it makes him want to give her things he’s not sure he’s capable of providing._

  
  
“Why are you telling me all this?” She whispers.  
  
“To prove a point.” Comes his blatant answer.  
  
“Which is what?”  
  
He makes sure she’s looking at him, his finger keeping her chin up to reach his eyes.

“You’re a force, Gwen. It’s not something you do, it’s what you _are_. You can’t help but make people around you feel loved; it’s not about always knowing what to do or what to say, it’s about you never leaving. You love with a love that’s greater than anything I’ve ever known and _that_ Gwen, that’s the only thing that matters. That little girl will grow up as the recipient of all that love you exude— you could _never ever_ mess that up. Not even if you tried.”  
  
The shaking of her body against his indicates she’s crying and he holds her as tightly as possible, her hands going around his neck as she buries her head in the crook of his neck.

“You really mean all that?”  
  
He sighs, slightly upset that she still finds it hard to believe, but he doesn’t point it out. Now is not the time. “It’s the truth. So yes, I mean every word.”  
  
She pulls away, wiping at the moisture underneath her eyes and sits up with her legs crossed underneath her, her hands still holding his.  
  
“Thank you for that, Blake”, she says softly. “I don’t know how you knew I needed that, but you brought me back from a real dark place.”  
  
He looks at her adoringly, the blue in his eyes mingling with the hazel brown of her own. “It’s what I’m here. It’s what we’re here for.”  
  
When she’s quiet for a while and smiles at her feet, he suddenly can’t wait any longer. He’s never loved anyone like he loves her and knows he never will. His jaw clenches with nerves and he knows he just has to blurt it out.

“Gwen…...?”  
  
“Yeah babe?”  
  
“Marry me.”  
  
She stares at him open mouthed, her brain trying to register his words as she looks down to her legs and back up to catch his eye. “W-what?”  
  
“ _Marry me._ I know it’s not the way to ask and I’ll get you your ring, get down on one-knee, all that. But I love you, Gwen. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and no grand gesture will ever be bigger than this moment right here; I’m serious, Gwen. I want you to be my wife.”  
  
Tears are rolling down her cheeks again and her breath hitches. The moment she throws her arms around his neck shocks him momentarily, causing them both to fall back onto the matrass, Gwen on top of Blake. “Is that a— “  
  
“YES! _Yes, yes yes_.” She mumbles into his neck, holding onto him for dear life.  
  
It takes a few seconds for her answer to sink in, the feeling larger than life when it does. Happiness doesn’t even quite cover it; it feels like someone just took his spark and poured kerosene all over it. He’s not able to adequately word what he’s feeling, so he doesn’t try. He just holds onto her and pours love onto her skin until she’s begging for more.  
  
When he lays next to her later that night, under the covers with his arms around her tiny body, it really hits him how far they’ve come. How much further they’re about to go.  
  
The feeling of wonder and astonishment are heavily present in his being; he used to wish for a life without pain, but he understands now that a life without pain would keep him from this type of happiness. It all ceases to matter now; it’s a whole new outlook on life, on love.

He thinks back to that very first night he met Gwen. She was this beyond interesting person who for some reason took interest in him, took the time to get to know him and fight past his walls. She saw a version of him he was too busy supressing. Now she’s his fiancée, his child is laying in the other room and he realizes that every hurdle in life brought him to this space right here.

When you’re young everything is intense, feelings get overwhelming, causing you to cripple up and overlook happiness. Being in a space where he feels mellow-- all the noise of the outside world dialled down, the gentle happiness his life brings the only thing that’s loud in his conscious. It’s the first time he’s ever known happiness to be simple.  
  
Gwen turned out to be right once again, when she told him he just needed to let this be good, way at the beginning of their journey together.

Now life turned out way more than good; with the birth of _Delaney Lynn Shelton_ and his soon- to-be wife Gwen, life is wonderful. It’s been the ultimate journey, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

  
  
“ _You’re a good man, Blake.”_

_He closes his eyes at her words and focuses on her hand still cupping his cheek. His heart has been broken one too many times for him to believe her, but her presence fills him with hope. Like somehow he’ll be able to believe her eventually; with her sweet voice and gentle touches leading the way. It’s both electric and terrifying to realize he would follow her anywhere._

_He can’t remember the last time he felt save enough to open-up to anyone like that, but he feels like he could open- up to her and she would listen. She wouldn’t try to fix him, or have this unreasonable tendency to expect perfection, cause she understands people._

_“Let me take you somewhere else one day. Let me kiss you again when I do.”_

_She doesn’t answer him right away, but she presses a soft kiss on the revealed skin on his chest, before buttoning up the shirt with skilful fingers. “The answer is yes, Blake. All you have to do is call.”_

_It’s a promise he can’t wait to make good on._

_He wants to be this great guy she meets at a bar, who makes her life better._

 

  
  
  
  
THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe this idea turned into a 20-chapter story. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and/or comment. This story has been deeply personal for me to write and I can’t tell you enough how much all of your lovely words have meant. 
> 
> I’ve had the idea to end this story with these words since the beginning & I hope it brought this story to a deserving close. 
> 
>  
> 
> ~ Love will remember you ~

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if this is any good. I’ve had this idea in my mind for a while and finally decided to write it out. Feedback is greatly appreciated.


End file.
